I haven't updated this thing in sooooo long. I guess I'll start with a short update on what's going on in my life...
1. I live in Louisville, KY. I moved here in August to go to Southern Baptist Theological Seminary to pursue a Masters in Music Performance with some ministry classes. Well, they dropped that program, so right now I only sing in an a capella group there called Doxology. It has pretty much been the only thing keeping me going on some days here.
2. I had three jobs and now I have two. When I moved here I started working as a hostess/singer at the Macaroni Grill and I had a church job as the alto soloist(section)/junior choir director. At the end of October I got a job working for PPG Porter Paint. I quickly realized that between the three on any given week I was working at least 50 hours. So I dropped the church job and cut back my hours at MG. Why quit?
The church I was working for was just not meeting my spiritual needs. There was no emphasis on the Gospel in the music we were singing and my directing job was more like daycare than musical & theological instruction. The music director was crazy and didn't seem to have passion for the Lord. So I left. Plus there was no young adult ministry which is a must for me right now.
3. I'm re-auditioning for Miami of Ohio next Saturday for their MM in Vocal Perf program. I study with a teacher there who has helped me develop my voice sooooo much. For the first time I can sing through pieces without thinking "wow, I suck." I didn't suck before, but my self-perception has always been way off. And now I'm not trying to sound like anyone or like a more mature version of myself...I sound like me. :)
I feel really good about my chance this year, but ultimately it isn't up to me. I've reached a point where I almost don't care, because I know it will work out for the better. It might take me a while to accept that if and when it happens, but I'll pull through. God has been good to me and I trust that He knows what He's doing with my life.
4. I have been trying to let the "graceful Diva" within out more and more. I have been walked over and ignored too many times to just keep smiling through the pain. The best way to deal with an issue is to set it out there in the open, dig it out, and allow God to heal it. I'm embracing the fact that I am a daughter of the Most High King and that I deserve to be treated as such. Anyone who doesn't "get" that needs some serious sanctification...
Flyleaf came out with a new cd in November titled Momento Mori. One of the songs, Set Apart This Dream, says what I believe every girl needs to hear:
Close your eyes little girl
You're a princess now
You own this world
Twirling in your twirly dress
You're the loveliest far above the rest
You build your castles in the skies
And stars reflecting off your eyes
And angels sing on silver clouds
And no one cries screams or shouts
Oh set apart this dream
Oh set apart this dream for me
Set apart this dream for me
Close your eyes pretty girl
'Cause its easier when you brace yourself
Set your thoughts on a world far off
Where we only cry from joy
Oh set apart this dream
Oh set apart this dream for me
Set apart this dream for me
Oh lovely and beautiful
Precious and priceless
You're so much more than you know
Heart of the purest gold
Pure clean and white as snow
Clothed in such splendor
Oh what a beauty for me
Set apart this dream
Set apart this dream
Oh set apart this dream
Oh set apart this dream for me
Set apart this dream for me
You didn't come this far just to be plundered here
Tie up the ropes in pure strength
Sleep in this haven, the King holds your favor
With love much greater than you dreamed
I love the last line of the outro to the song. We are priceless and we are loved by a King whose love is so much greater than anything we could dream. This song makes me cry every time I hear it. I think that it just speaks to that little girl in me who just wants to wear a twirly skirt and spin around. That WAS me as a kid!
And I want to get that back...the understanding that I am lovely, beautiful, precious and priceless.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Bacon bits and jalapenos
Whilst wasting time on myspace I stumbled upon Family Force 5's update, which said something to the effect of "trying to stay awake in the airport for our flight in 2 hours after only 2 hours of sleep." The normal response to reading that would have been "oh man, that stinks."
My response?
...I'd give anything to be there.
Every time I read a band's blog or watch videos of them on tour or just hear about their newest release I feel this deep desire to be doing the same thing. I don't know if it's just residual longing for Habbakuk to reunite or if it is deeper than that. I find myself wishing to live on a bus for 4 months, floating through airports and hotels, spending hours in a recording studio while being constantly surrounded by crazy fun talented friends. There's a closeness developed there that can only occur after spending that much time together, sharing your deepest passion with each other.
I guess I can only hope that after feeling this way for a few years something good comes out of it. I want to work hard for the cause of something I feel passionate about. I am passionate about music. What I lack currently is direction.
"Don't want to rock the mic, don't want to meet the pope
I just want to share with you how we got this peace and hope."
-Five Iron Frenzy, "Superpowers"
My response?
...I'd give anything to be there.
Every time I read a band's blog or watch videos of them on tour or just hear about their newest release I feel this deep desire to be doing the same thing. I don't know if it's just residual longing for Habbakuk to reunite or if it is deeper than that. I find myself wishing to live on a bus for 4 months, floating through airports and hotels, spending hours in a recording studio while being constantly surrounded by crazy fun talented friends. There's a closeness developed there that can only occur after spending that much time together, sharing your deepest passion with each other.
I guess I can only hope that after feeling this way for a few years something good comes out of it. I want to work hard for the cause of something I feel passionate about. I am passionate about music. What I lack currently is direction.
"Don't want to rock the mic, don't want to meet the pope
I just want to share with you how we got this peace and hope."
-Five Iron Frenzy, "Superpowers"
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Feel like a Monster
I'm currently sitting in Panera with a cup of coffee, borrowing their internet because I do not have wireless in my apartment yet. I moved to Louisville, KY a little over a week ago and I'm still trying to get adjusted. I got a job at the Macaroni Grill as a hostess/singer for nights and weekends. Most likely I'll be getting a second job to help pay my bills and such. SBTS raised their tuition to $410 per credit hour for non-SBC members, so needless to say I will not be taking anything other than ensembles for now. Why no Anglican love? Come on!
When I get said internet I will update this more frequently. I survived BFC this summer and I will most definitely be posting stories. For now I'm just trying to finish unpacking and getting used to living in a new city with lots of new people. I won't lie, I hate starting over. You would think I would be used to it by now, but that doesn't mean it's easy. Someday maybe I'll get somewhere I fit in...but for now I'm here in Kentucky trying to figure out how to do what I love and more importantly what God loves. Right now, that's music.
Oh, and I cannot wait for Skillet's new cd to come out in 3 days. One of the tracks is called 'Monster' and it is freakin SWEET!! Check it out: http://www.myspace.com/skilletmusic
I relate to the feeling sometimes...whether its feeling like what I've done before is so ugly or that I just feel like I don't fit in. Story of my life...but that's ok. I play the violin with distortion. :)
When I get said internet I will update this more frequently. I survived BFC this summer and I will most definitely be posting stories. For now I'm just trying to finish unpacking and getting used to living in a new city with lots of new people. I won't lie, I hate starting over. You would think I would be used to it by now, but that doesn't mean it's easy. Someday maybe I'll get somewhere I fit in...but for now I'm here in Kentucky trying to figure out how to do what I love and more importantly what God loves. Right now, that's music.
Oh, and I cannot wait for Skillet's new cd to come out in 3 days. One of the tracks is called 'Monster' and it is freakin SWEET!! Check it out: http://www.myspace.com/skilletmusic
I relate to the feeling sometimes...whether its feeling like what I've done before is so ugly or that I just feel like I don't fit in. Story of my life...but that's ok. I play the violin with distortion. :)
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
B.M. in Singing Pretty
Wow, it has been a while. Here's the short list of what's happening in my life;
1. I GRADUATED!!! 5 years, 4 schools in 4 states...and now I have a degree that says I sing pretty. AND I had honors, which I was surprised and excited about. Cum Laude, wha WHAT?!?
2. My senior voice recital went very well. My teacher says that I'm at a point where 85% of my singing has vibrato, which is HUGE for me. I loved my rep and I was very pleased with how it went. I have a recording if anyone wants to see or hear it.
3. I'm moving to Louisville, KY for a year. I was going to attend SBTS for an M.M., but they dropped the degree program. And I am feeling more called to performance than direct ministry right now. So I'm going to live, work, take a few classes, take voice lessons, and re-audition for graduate voice programs. Maybe Miami U & CCM?
4. I'm going to Rome, GA tomorrow for staff training for Winshape Girls Camp this summer. I'm nervous and excited about it. I will most likely be the oldest counselor and most definitely the only one from above the Mason Dixon Line. Pray for me! I'll actually be working there in July.
Other than that, I'm just trying ot figure out my life...good times.
I'll update more once I get back from Georgia in early June.
Oh...N.T. Wright rocks. That is all.
1. I GRADUATED!!! 5 years, 4 schools in 4 states...and now I have a degree that says I sing pretty. AND I had honors, which I was surprised and excited about. Cum Laude, wha WHAT?!?
2. My senior voice recital went very well. My teacher says that I'm at a point where 85% of my singing has vibrato, which is HUGE for me. I loved my rep and I was very pleased with how it went. I have a recording if anyone wants to see or hear it.
3. I'm moving to Louisville, KY for a year. I was going to attend SBTS for an M.M., but they dropped the degree program. And I am feeling more called to performance than direct ministry right now. So I'm going to live, work, take a few classes, take voice lessons, and re-audition for graduate voice programs. Maybe Miami U & CCM?
4. I'm going to Rome, GA tomorrow for staff training for Winshape Girls Camp this summer. I'm nervous and excited about it. I will most likely be the oldest counselor and most definitely the only one from above the Mason Dixon Line. Pray for me! I'll actually be working there in July.
Other than that, I'm just trying ot figure out my life...good times.
I'll update more once I get back from Georgia in early June.
Oh...N.T. Wright rocks. That is all.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
We are blessed
We are blessed.
Our society as a whole is blessed beyond anything we can fully understand. I'll willingly admit that I am blessed.
I grew up in a home with 2 parents, 2 siblings, 2 cats (now 2 cats and a dog), 3 floors, a kitchen, a huge backyard with a swing set and steep hills to sled on in the winter, and my list goes on.
I had access to clean water every day of my life, food when I needed it (though for a month or so back in 2007 I had $0.41 to my name, but my friends provided for me out of the goodness of their hearts), a roof over my head, and a bed to sleep on.
I have health insurance and access to medical care when I need it.
I have a car. I can get in it and go anywhere I want.
I am in college, about to graduate with a degree in Music. I have been given the opportunity to pursue an education in a subject that, to some, does not appear to be beneficial to society.
My parents, though not perfect people, love me. They allow and encourage me to pursue my dreams...provided some sort of independence comes out of it.
I just bought a new laptop. I have a cell phone. I have access to pretty much any piece of information I could ever care to discover.
I read a news story today about this guy who shot and murdered 10 people and himself because he was unhappy with the way his life had been going. He had dreams that were not realized. He had tension within his relationships. He was unsatisfied with the hand he had been dealt. So he grabbed two of the guns he owned, murdered his mother, murdered 9 other people, and shot himself.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/03/12/alabama.shooting/index.html?eref=rss_topstories
Why?
We hear stories like this all the time. Someone looks at his life, becomes unhappy with what it has become, becomes consumed with depression, and takes it out on himself and others. He sees only what he does not have rather than what he does...or did have. Think of how many times we do that every day;
"I wish I had _____"
"Her ____ is newer than mine. I want one."
"I'd be really happy if _____ would happen."
"If he would just say _____, our relationship would be fine."
We put conditions on our happiness, on our satisfaction with our lives. We think we know what's best for us, because who knows me better than...me? I can think of one who knows me better than I know myself...but that's too easy.
When I read that news story, I wonder if that guy knew how blessed he was before he took matters into his own hands. He had a job. He had an education. He clearly had access to material things since he owned at least two guns. And he probably had access to clean water, food, a roof, a bed, the internet. He had a family, whether they got along or not.
He was blessed. But that was not enough for him.
And I'm not saying to look at countries and cultures that don't have these basic needs and think, "Oh, wow, I thought my life was bad but look at them...they have nothing." I guess I'm just becoming aware of how much God blesses those He loves...that's everyone. Even those who do not have basic needs can find joy in knowing that God loves them and will provide for them.
If they can rejoice when, to me, they appear to have nothing, then why do I become negatively inclined the moment something tiny doesn't go the way I thought it would?
"Blessed is the man who always fears the LORD, but he who hardens his heart falls into trouble." - Proverbs 28:14
"But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does." - James 1:25
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!..." - 1 John 3:1
See what you do have rather than what you do not. Thank God for it, because everything we "have" is a gift...life included.
We are blessed...
Our society as a whole is blessed beyond anything we can fully understand. I'll willingly admit that I am blessed.
I grew up in a home with 2 parents, 2 siblings, 2 cats (now 2 cats and a dog), 3 floors, a kitchen, a huge backyard with a swing set and steep hills to sled on in the winter, and my list goes on.
I had access to clean water every day of my life, food when I needed it (though for a month or so back in 2007 I had $0.41 to my name, but my friends provided for me out of the goodness of their hearts), a roof over my head, and a bed to sleep on.
I have health insurance and access to medical care when I need it.
I have a car. I can get in it and go anywhere I want.
I am in college, about to graduate with a degree in Music. I have been given the opportunity to pursue an education in a subject that, to some, does not appear to be beneficial to society.
My parents, though not perfect people, love me. They allow and encourage me to pursue my dreams...provided some sort of independence comes out of it.
I just bought a new laptop. I have a cell phone. I have access to pretty much any piece of information I could ever care to discover.
I read a news story today about this guy who shot and murdered 10 people and himself because he was unhappy with the way his life had been going. He had dreams that were not realized. He had tension within his relationships. He was unsatisfied with the hand he had been dealt. So he grabbed two of the guns he owned, murdered his mother, murdered 9 other people, and shot himself.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/03/12/alabama.shooting/index.html?eref=rss_topstories
Why?
We hear stories like this all the time. Someone looks at his life, becomes unhappy with what it has become, becomes consumed with depression, and takes it out on himself and others. He sees only what he does not have rather than what he does...or did have. Think of how many times we do that every day;
"I wish I had _____"
"Her ____ is newer than mine. I want one."
"I'd be really happy if _____ would happen."
"If he would just say _____, our relationship would be fine."
We put conditions on our happiness, on our satisfaction with our lives. We think we know what's best for us, because who knows me better than...me? I can think of one who knows me better than I know myself...but that's too easy.
When I read that news story, I wonder if that guy knew how blessed he was before he took matters into his own hands. He had a job. He had an education. He clearly had access to material things since he owned at least two guns. And he probably had access to clean water, food, a roof, a bed, the internet. He had a family, whether they got along or not.
He was blessed. But that was not enough for him.
And I'm not saying to look at countries and cultures that don't have these basic needs and think, "Oh, wow, I thought my life was bad but look at them...they have nothing." I guess I'm just becoming aware of how much God blesses those He loves...that's everyone. Even those who do not have basic needs can find joy in knowing that God loves them and will provide for them.
If they can rejoice when, to me, they appear to have nothing, then why do I become negatively inclined the moment something tiny doesn't go the way I thought it would?
"Blessed is the man who always fears the LORD, but he who hardens his heart falls into trouble." - Proverbs 28:14
"But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does." - James 1:25
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!..." - 1 John 3:1
See what you do have rather than what you do not. Thank God for it, because everything we "have" is a gift...life included.
We are blessed...
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Standing Up for Nothing
I'm really digging contemporary Christian artists of the 90's. I do think that some bands today are trying to throw back to the honest lyrics of artists past, but let's face it - a lot of the stuff out there is watered down and bubble gum, written and marketed as "Christian" to make money. I'm a fan of honesty in lyrics and music, whether is sells or not.
Below I have posted the lyrics to "Standing Up for Nothing" by Caedmon's Call, circa 1997.
I love this song because the music is pretty (strings, voice, guitar...what more do you need?), but I also love how honest the lyrics are. I also like the creative way they allude to scripture in the choruses (the "stumbling stone" from Romans 9/Isaiah 8, then Peter's denial).
We let so much get in the way of telling the truth...the ultimate truth. We're supposed to be reflections of the God we claim to follow, but we so often reflect someone who looks nothing like the glorious face of Christ. I try to stand up for my faith, but I am tempted to throw it out the window when it means being in an uncomfortable situation. I have a hard time with non-Christians who are quick to call me judgemental or a prude. And when faced with that social situation, so many will trade in the crown given to them by God for the "paper or plastic" of life simply to be accepted by the masses. I told a friend the other day that I feel like an outcast. He said that I am, but so is he. I guess those of us who choose to live as Christ would have us live would all be considered outcasts.
At least we're outcasts together...it's comforting to know that we are not alone in this fight.
"I can't stop staring at myself
My face reflected in this empty plate
I can't decide if it's the devil
Or if it's just something I ate
'Cause he's been down there all morning
He's patiently waiting at my gate
He's throwing rocks at my window
"Hey won't you come on out and play with me"
And everyday when I get up
I see folks trading in their crowns
For all these paper or plastic lives
An opiate for the masses' hounds
And pride like a vestige of lives lost
The stench of the old folks coming around
Now with the news I heard today
I can't tell if this world is lost or found
You go, I'll be waiting here
And I'm awake, no I cannot sleep
So I'll sit upon this rock is you
I ain't standing up for nothing
I've never seen my congressman
But I can't deny that he exists
'Cause I've seen his legislation pass
I've seen his name on the ballot list
Same I can't deny this fallen world
Though not my home it's where I live
How can I preserve and light the way
For a world that I can't admit I'm in
'Cause I know who I say you are
But these crows can't be made to stop
So I'll sit denying by this fire
I ain't standing up for nothing
Lack of interest leads to
Lack of knowledge leads to
Lack of perspective leads to
Lack of communication leads to
Lack of understanding leads to
Lack of concern leads to
This complacency denotes
This approval denies
The truth
But I can't stop staring at myself
It's my face reflected in this empty plate
And I know that it's the devil
So you lead, I'll be close behind
So you speak, I'll hang on your words
You gotta lift me from this hardened tree
'Cause I ain't standing up for nothing."
Below I have posted the lyrics to "Standing Up for Nothing" by Caedmon's Call, circa 1997.
I love this song because the music is pretty (strings, voice, guitar...what more do you need?), but I also love how honest the lyrics are. I also like the creative way they allude to scripture in the choruses (the "stumbling stone" from Romans 9/Isaiah 8, then Peter's denial).
We let so much get in the way of telling the truth...the ultimate truth. We're supposed to be reflections of the God we claim to follow, but we so often reflect someone who looks nothing like the glorious face of Christ. I try to stand up for my faith, but I am tempted to throw it out the window when it means being in an uncomfortable situation. I have a hard time with non-Christians who are quick to call me judgemental or a prude. And when faced with that social situation, so many will trade in the crown given to them by God for the "paper or plastic" of life simply to be accepted by the masses. I told a friend the other day that I feel like an outcast. He said that I am, but so is he. I guess those of us who choose to live as Christ would have us live would all be considered outcasts.
At least we're outcasts together...it's comforting to know that we are not alone in this fight.
"I can't stop staring at myself
My face reflected in this empty plate
I can't decide if it's the devil
Or if it's just something I ate
'Cause he's been down there all morning
He's patiently waiting at my gate
He's throwing rocks at my window
"Hey won't you come on out and play with me"
And everyday when I get up
I see folks trading in their crowns
For all these paper or plastic lives
An opiate for the masses' hounds
And pride like a vestige of lives lost
The stench of the old folks coming around
Now with the news I heard today
I can't tell if this world is lost or found
You go, I'll be waiting here
And I'm awake, no I cannot sleep
So I'll sit upon this rock is you
I ain't standing up for nothing
I've never seen my congressman
But I can't deny that he exists
'Cause I've seen his legislation pass
I've seen his name on the ballot list
Same I can't deny this fallen world
Though not my home it's where I live
How can I preserve and light the way
For a world that I can't admit I'm in
'Cause I know who I say you are
But these crows can't be made to stop
So I'll sit denying by this fire
I ain't standing up for nothing
Lack of interest leads to
Lack of knowledge leads to
Lack of perspective leads to
Lack of communication leads to
Lack of understanding leads to
Lack of concern leads to
This complacency denotes
This approval denies
The truth
But I can't stop staring at myself
It's my face reflected in this empty plate
And I know that it's the devil
So you lead, I'll be close behind
So you speak, I'll hang on your words
You gotta lift me from this hardened tree
'Cause I ain't standing up for nothing."
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Sure and certain...not...
I have most definitely hit the mid-semester breakdown point. Spring break is 3 weeks away, but in those weeks I have so much work to get done. But that's not even what is stressing me out the most.
Honestly, I'm worried that I have no future.
Yes, that sounds ridiculous. Let me explain.
I am 0/2 for graduate school. Both Miami and UNC Greensboro turned me down for vocal performance, but I'm still waiting to hear from Southern for music ministry. Even if I get in, I don't know if I can afford to go. So what do I do if I don't go to graduate school?
Get a job.
Ok, fine. I know I need a job...but what do I do? I'm not experienced enough to run a youth ministry on my own, but another internship won't pay enough. Plus I want to do music. Even the thought of working somewhere without music makes me want to cry. I'm a strong believer in the idea that you should do what you love. Otherwise, what's the point? We're all gifted in different areas and we should use those gifts to glorify God. I was gifted musically...I love it...and I'm good at it. I'm not willing to settle on anything else. I'll never understand how some people can suppress their talents and desires just to make more money or have more security. I know I sound overly-optimistic when I say that. But I'm being honest...I do not want to compromise.
My greatest fear is that I will have to spend my life doing something I do not feel passionate about.
My faith tells me that I should not worry about what will happen tomorrow. God has plans for me, wonderful plans that I can't imagine. When I read those verses I feel stupid for ever worrying or doubting, but I still do. Some days it is hard to stay hopeful when everyone around is saying that you need to have a plan, a job, a boyfriend, a clear direction.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see." - Hebrews 11:1 NIV
Sigh...that verse always gets me. It also reminds me how weak my faith is at times like these. I actually told a friend last week that being a Christian is too hard sometimes. There is so much sacrifice and surrender involved when you try to live as Christ would have you live. The believing isn't the part I struggle with, it is the following without preconceptions or conditions.
Honestly, I'm worried that I have no future.
Yes, that sounds ridiculous. Let me explain.
I am 0/2 for graduate school. Both Miami and UNC Greensboro turned me down for vocal performance, but I'm still waiting to hear from Southern for music ministry. Even if I get in, I don't know if I can afford to go. So what do I do if I don't go to graduate school?
Get a job.
Ok, fine. I know I need a job...but what do I do? I'm not experienced enough to run a youth ministry on my own, but another internship won't pay enough. Plus I want to do music. Even the thought of working somewhere without music makes me want to cry. I'm a strong believer in the idea that you should do what you love. Otherwise, what's the point? We're all gifted in different areas and we should use those gifts to glorify God. I was gifted musically...I love it...and I'm good at it. I'm not willing to settle on anything else. I'll never understand how some people can suppress their talents and desires just to make more money or have more security. I know I sound overly-optimistic when I say that. But I'm being honest...I do not want to compromise.
My greatest fear is that I will have to spend my life doing something I do not feel passionate about.
My faith tells me that I should not worry about what will happen tomorrow. God has plans for me, wonderful plans that I can't imagine. When I read those verses I feel stupid for ever worrying or doubting, but I still do. Some days it is hard to stay hopeful when everyone around is saying that you need to have a plan, a job, a boyfriend, a clear direction.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see." - Hebrews 11:1 NIV
Sigh...that verse always gets me. It also reminds me how weak my faith is at times like these. I actually told a friend last week that being a Christian is too hard sometimes. There is so much sacrifice and surrender involved when you try to live as Christ would have you live. The believing isn't the part I struggle with, it is the following without preconceptions or conditions.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
For my love
I am not damaged.
I am beautiful.
I am worthy of the love God has set aside for me, by grace.
That has become a sort of mantra for me in the last 2 days. In that time I have truly been blown away by how God works out even the smallest details to get the attention of those He loves. He is not a distant figurehead, keeping time like an uncaring conductor. No, He is loving, compassionate, jealous, real, ever present, and the orchestrator watching over each and every member of His great orchestra and every note and marking written on the score of eternity. (I'm a violinist, so that's where the orchestra stuff is coming from, haha)
In the last 3 years of my life I have heard the call of Jesus calling me back to Him. It is humbling and intense, yet I would not trade those moments for anything. He pulled me out of an incredibly toxic relationship, leaving me broken hearted on the floor looking upwards. He stopped my attempts to fill the void in my life with another man, and instead filled my heart with His ever present love. It was difficult. I fought it for a while. But God was more stubborn than I was. He won...He has a tendency of doing that.
So I began walking closely with Him. The problem was that instead of dealing with my feelings towards romantic relationships, I stuffed them deep down and pretended they did not exist. I locked down my heart and assumed that every sort of longing I had for love was wrong. It absolutely ate away at my heart. I would get feelings for a guy, bottle them up, and watch them explode months later instead of prayerfully considering them and finding a healthy way to deal with them. I almost destroyed 2 very good friendships that way because I was too stubborn to be honest about how I felt.
I would go through these phases of feeling depressed that no one was pursuing me in the least. It has been 3 years since the last time I went on a date (let's just go ahead and put that out there). And part of it truly has been God winning me back to Him. I needed to be completely in love with Him before anyone else. For that I am grateful. I never want to feel the way I did when I was immersed in the cycle of toxic relationships. But part of it has been the lock down of my heart from even the possibility of being pursued. I tried so hard to keep my relationships with guys "appropriate" while fighting off the feelings I had. Again, I tried to hide my feelings instead of dealing with them.
The thing about the salvation process that seems to get overlooked is this idea of being transformed. It is very true that when you accept Jesus as Lord you are no longer the same. But that doesn't mean that you become this perfect person who looks nothing like the person you were. You still have issues and scars that need to be dealt with rather than hidden. It hurts much more to have them yanked out of you from the deep dark corner of your heart than to be open and honest about them.
Think of them like a splinter...when it is close to the surface you can see it and get it out pretty easily and painlessly with a pair of tweezers. But if it goes deeper to the point where you can't see it but you feel it with every move you make, then getting it out is going to involve cutting in with a knife and it will hurt a heck of a lot more.
Two days ago God had to get out the knife and cut into a wound I had been ignoring for 3 years. It hurt...I think I burst into tears about 10 times. But afterwards...I have never felt so free. I made the decision to open up my heart again, but this time it was on His terms. I gave Him control over my love life. And I know He has a beautiful story for me. The difference is that now I am open to it. I am not called to be single, and it feels liberating to be able to say that.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.""
-Jeremiah 29:11-14 NIV
I am not damaged.
I am beautiful.
I am worthy of the love God has set aside for me, by grace.
I am beautiful.
I am worthy of the love God has set aside for me, by grace.
That has become a sort of mantra for me in the last 2 days. In that time I have truly been blown away by how God works out even the smallest details to get the attention of those He loves. He is not a distant figurehead, keeping time like an uncaring conductor. No, He is loving, compassionate, jealous, real, ever present, and the orchestrator watching over each and every member of His great orchestra and every note and marking written on the score of eternity. (I'm a violinist, so that's where the orchestra stuff is coming from, haha)
In the last 3 years of my life I have heard the call of Jesus calling me back to Him. It is humbling and intense, yet I would not trade those moments for anything. He pulled me out of an incredibly toxic relationship, leaving me broken hearted on the floor looking upwards. He stopped my attempts to fill the void in my life with another man, and instead filled my heart with His ever present love. It was difficult. I fought it for a while. But God was more stubborn than I was. He won...He has a tendency of doing that.
So I began walking closely with Him. The problem was that instead of dealing with my feelings towards romantic relationships, I stuffed them deep down and pretended they did not exist. I locked down my heart and assumed that every sort of longing I had for love was wrong. It absolutely ate away at my heart. I would get feelings for a guy, bottle them up, and watch them explode months later instead of prayerfully considering them and finding a healthy way to deal with them. I almost destroyed 2 very good friendships that way because I was too stubborn to be honest about how I felt.
I would go through these phases of feeling depressed that no one was pursuing me in the least. It has been 3 years since the last time I went on a date (let's just go ahead and put that out there). And part of it truly has been God winning me back to Him. I needed to be completely in love with Him before anyone else. For that I am grateful. I never want to feel the way I did when I was immersed in the cycle of toxic relationships. But part of it has been the lock down of my heart from even the possibility of being pursued. I tried so hard to keep my relationships with guys "appropriate" while fighting off the feelings I had. Again, I tried to hide my feelings instead of dealing with them.
The thing about the salvation process that seems to get overlooked is this idea of being transformed. It is very true that when you accept Jesus as Lord you are no longer the same. But that doesn't mean that you become this perfect person who looks nothing like the person you were. You still have issues and scars that need to be dealt with rather than hidden. It hurts much more to have them yanked out of you from the deep dark corner of your heart than to be open and honest about them.
Think of them like a splinter...when it is close to the surface you can see it and get it out pretty easily and painlessly with a pair of tweezers. But if it goes deeper to the point where you can't see it but you feel it with every move you make, then getting it out is going to involve cutting in with a knife and it will hurt a heck of a lot more.
Two days ago God had to get out the knife and cut into a wound I had been ignoring for 3 years. It hurt...I think I burst into tears about 10 times. But afterwards...I have never felt so free. I made the decision to open up my heart again, but this time it was on His terms. I gave Him control over my love life. And I know He has a beautiful story for me. The difference is that now I am open to it. I am not called to be single, and it feels liberating to be able to say that.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.""
-Jeremiah 29:11-14 NIV
I am not damaged.
I am beautiful.
I am worthy of the love God has set aside for me, by grace.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Authentic
I really like Shawn McDonald's music. It's raw and real and beautiful. Pretty much anything that combines honest lyrics, well-played acoustic guitar and real strings is amazing to my ears.
Well...that or a band like Judgement Day who combines 3 of my favorite things: metal, strings, and epic music. :)
This weekend I'm leading an 8th grade ski trip (oooooh snap). We're talking to them about identity and who they appear to be versus who God created them to be. We all wear masks, some positive and most negative. Anywho, Scott and I have to be able to get up and talk about some of the masks we wear. Nothing better than spilling all of your insecurities and weaknesses out on the floor in front of 28 kids who barely know...
I realized tonight that I have grown so used to one of my masks that it fades into my own likeness. It's name is "shallow." I wear it a lot, around everyone, close friends and new people. It smiles and laughs at all times. It makes jokes and avoids deep conversation topics, because that would require it to come off. Now my own personality smiles, laughs, and makes jokes, but I love deep conversation and sharing with those I trust. So what's with shallow?
I was talking to a friend about life and relationships. We both feel like we don't fit any of the molds out there and agreed that it must mean that God has something really wonderful laid out for us. It's the following without getting distracted that can be difficult. But we talked about relationships, and immediately my shallow mask jumped on...but this time I noticed it. Why is it that the topics we need to talk about are the ones that make us put up our guard the fastest?
I think we make the mistake of carrying our past relationship blunders around with us. It's almost as if we have a separate resume of relationships and what happened and what went wrong and why it still haunts us. We're walking around with this list of flaws our previous loves have pointed out to us, and for whatever reason this keeps us from feeling worthy of anyone ever again. I know I felt like that for a very long time. After my last relationship blew up in my face, I walked around for almost a year feeling like damaged goods. You've seen those cans on the grocery store shelves...the ones with dents or discolored labels...who wants to buy a dented can of soup? Who wants to fall in love with a girl carrying so many wounds and insecurities?
The beautiful thing about this is that God loves us as we are and He knows how much more lovely we will be when we follow His will. He has not called the perfect and squeaky clean, but the lost sheep and sinners. He pours out His love on us without hesitation - the written code and all of our shortcomings are cancelled. He loves us as we are. That really gives me hope.
"When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross."
-Colossians 2:13-14 NIV
Those two verses changed my life about a year and a half ago. I am changed; I am free from my sins in the past. I am a new creation in Christ. I need to learn to recognize my masks and keep the negative ones, like shallow, far from my face.
I've adopted the attitude that if you're going to be anything, be authentic. Not shallow; Authentic.
Well...that or a band like Judgement Day who combines 3 of my favorite things: metal, strings, and epic music. :)
This weekend I'm leading an 8th grade ski trip (oooooh snap). We're talking to them about identity and who they appear to be versus who God created them to be. We all wear masks, some positive and most negative. Anywho, Scott and I have to be able to get up and talk about some of the masks we wear. Nothing better than spilling all of your insecurities and weaknesses out on the floor in front of 28 kids who barely know...
I realized tonight that I have grown so used to one of my masks that it fades into my own likeness. It's name is "shallow." I wear it a lot, around everyone, close friends and new people. It smiles and laughs at all times. It makes jokes and avoids deep conversation topics, because that would require it to come off. Now my own personality smiles, laughs, and makes jokes, but I love deep conversation and sharing with those I trust. So what's with shallow?
I was talking to a friend about life and relationships. We both feel like we don't fit any of the molds out there and agreed that it must mean that God has something really wonderful laid out for us. It's the following without getting distracted that can be difficult. But we talked about relationships, and immediately my shallow mask jumped on...but this time I noticed it. Why is it that the topics we need to talk about are the ones that make us put up our guard the fastest?
I think we make the mistake of carrying our past relationship blunders around with us. It's almost as if we have a separate resume of relationships and what happened and what went wrong and why it still haunts us. We're walking around with this list of flaws our previous loves have pointed out to us, and for whatever reason this keeps us from feeling worthy of anyone ever again. I know I felt like that for a very long time. After my last relationship blew up in my face, I walked around for almost a year feeling like damaged goods. You've seen those cans on the grocery store shelves...the ones with dents or discolored labels...who wants to buy a dented can of soup? Who wants to fall in love with a girl carrying so many wounds and insecurities?
The beautiful thing about this is that God loves us as we are and He knows how much more lovely we will be when we follow His will. He has not called the perfect and squeaky clean, but the lost sheep and sinners. He pours out His love on us without hesitation - the written code and all of our shortcomings are cancelled. He loves us as we are. That really gives me hope.
"When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross."
-Colossians 2:13-14 NIV
Those two verses changed my life about a year and a half ago. I am changed; I am free from my sins in the past. I am a new creation in Christ. I need to learn to recognize my masks and keep the negative ones, like shallow, far from my face.
I've adopted the attitude that if you're going to be anything, be authentic. Not shallow; Authentic.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Unexpected and Enticing
I found a new band that anyone who actually reads this blog should check out. They're called Article One. They're from London, Canada and have opened for Newsboys and Superchick. They have obvious influences from the Newsboys and MuteMath (one of the members of MuteMath produced their newest album), so the mixing is amazing. But my favorite thing about this band is the violin. You can actually hear him (Matt Piche) on every song, live and recorded, and he totally rocks out live. I just got back from seeing them play live in Butler, PA. I'm always inspired by artists who are trying to do something new. So check them out!
That being said...I really miss playing in a band. I have my violin with 3 effects pedals, a guitar, and now a mandolin, all of which I never get to use. It kills me on nights like this when I feel so inspired to create music but I have no avenue to do so. Watching the violinist in Article One made me want to pick up my violin and just start playing around. This part of me is just dying to get out. But Christ Church dissolved the youth band, Habbakuk will probably remain inactive, Brian and I can't seem to make our schedules mesh, and I'm an "opera singer" who listens to metal and alternative Christian music...where will an opportunity present itself? When?
I feel like I'm holding back a huge part of who I am while I wait to figure out what's next.
I'm so sick of waiting and being forced to squeeze into a mold that wasn't made for me. What if I'm not just a worship musician? An opera singer? A performer? A youth ministry assistant? Everyone wants me to pick, to define myself, to choose a peg hole to fit into. But in the process I'm losing chunks of myself...literally like forcing a square peg into a round hole. Sometimes I worry that I've already sacrificed so much of myself over the years that I'm no longer Louise. What if I'm just this conglomeration of other people's opinions and desires?
It's so hard to stand alone and try to be the unique mess God made you to be. I'm learning that not everything can be placed into a neat little box. The thing I really like about Article One's mixing is that it doesn't sound precise or even. The sound and effects have this give and take that makes the music sound a little gritty yet smooth. Your ear is always hearing something unexpected.
...I guess that's what I want my life to look like. A little unexpected and gritty, but smooth and enticing all in one. That's the whole idea of being the salt and light of the world...my life verses.
"You are the salt of the earth, but if that salt loses it's saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. You are the light of the world..."
-Matthew 5:13-14 NIV
I'm a follower of Jesus, the ultimate mold-breaker.
That being said...I really miss playing in a band. I have my violin with 3 effects pedals, a guitar, and now a mandolin, all of which I never get to use. It kills me on nights like this when I feel so inspired to create music but I have no avenue to do so. Watching the violinist in Article One made me want to pick up my violin and just start playing around. This part of me is just dying to get out. But Christ Church dissolved the youth band, Habbakuk will probably remain inactive, Brian and I can't seem to make our schedules mesh, and I'm an "opera singer" who listens to metal and alternative Christian music...where will an opportunity present itself? When?
I feel like I'm holding back a huge part of who I am while I wait to figure out what's next.
I'm so sick of waiting and being forced to squeeze into a mold that wasn't made for me. What if I'm not just a worship musician? An opera singer? A performer? A youth ministry assistant? Everyone wants me to pick, to define myself, to choose a peg hole to fit into. But in the process I'm losing chunks of myself...literally like forcing a square peg into a round hole. Sometimes I worry that I've already sacrificed so much of myself over the years that I'm no longer Louise. What if I'm just this conglomeration of other people's opinions and desires?
It's so hard to stand alone and try to be the unique mess God made you to be. I'm learning that not everything can be placed into a neat little box. The thing I really like about Article One's mixing is that it doesn't sound precise or even. The sound and effects have this give and take that makes the music sound a little gritty yet smooth. Your ear is always hearing something unexpected.
...I guess that's what I want my life to look like. A little unexpected and gritty, but smooth and enticing all in one. That's the whole idea of being the salt and light of the world...my life verses.
"You are the salt of the earth, but if that salt loses it's saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. You are the light of the world..."
-Matthew 5:13-14 NIV
I'm a follower of Jesus, the ultimate mold-breaker.
Monday, January 5, 2009
He will not let your foot slip
Growing up sucks. I'm 23 and on the verge of stepping out of the undergraduate bubble I have been in for the past 5 years. I have to rely less on my parents and more on myself. I am blessed to have a family that has been able to provide for me along the way while also encouraging me to me self sufficient. There is no way I could have attended college without them and I am not ashamed of that level of dependency. But things are changing...and I got a huge reality check today.
My dad informed me on my 23rd birthday that I was no longer covered under the family's health insurance plan (yeah I know, happy birthday to me). That might not be such a big deal if I did not have a chronic illness that requires 6 prescriptions every month. For the last 6 years as a diabetic my co-pays for prescriptions have been very low. But today when I went to pick up 2 of them I had to pay the full price. I had to go outside, sit in my car and cry for about 10 minutes on the phone with my mom.
Let me explain why I freaked out. For these 2 particular prescriptions with my old insurance copay, I would have paid $10 total. Today I had to pay $145. That was for the 2 "cheapest" prescriptions I pick up once a month. Hence why I had to step outside. How am I going to afford these for the rest of my life (or until they cure type 1 diabetes) on a musician's/ministry salary?
For the next few months my parents are going to pay for my separate health insurance out of pocket, but soon I'll have to find a way to pay for it myself. I'm terrified. I don't know what I'm going to do. All of these "what ifs" are swirling around in my head. I'm not ready to be an adult. I want to move on but I am so scared to do it.
What if I fail?
The only thing that has kept me going is knowing that I serve a God who is good. God is faithful, always. God is constant and persistent. He will never leave me and He will never desert me. I am doomed to fail without Him...which means I cannot fail.
"I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."
-Psalm 121 NIV
"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have,
because God has said,
"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
So we say with confidence,
"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?""
-Hebrews 13:5-6 NIV
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
-Matthew 6:33-34 NIV
Pray for me and pray that I take the passages above to heart.
God is good, all the time.
My dad informed me on my 23rd birthday that I was no longer covered under the family's health insurance plan (yeah I know, happy birthday to me). That might not be such a big deal if I did not have a chronic illness that requires 6 prescriptions every month. For the last 6 years as a diabetic my co-pays for prescriptions have been very low. But today when I went to pick up 2 of them I had to pay the full price. I had to go outside, sit in my car and cry for about 10 minutes on the phone with my mom.
Let me explain why I freaked out. For these 2 particular prescriptions with my old insurance copay, I would have paid $10 total. Today I had to pay $145. That was for the 2 "cheapest" prescriptions I pick up once a month. Hence why I had to step outside. How am I going to afford these for the rest of my life (or until they cure type 1 diabetes) on a musician's/ministry salary?
For the next few months my parents are going to pay for my separate health insurance out of pocket, but soon I'll have to find a way to pay for it myself. I'm terrified. I don't know what I'm going to do. All of these "what ifs" are swirling around in my head. I'm not ready to be an adult. I want to move on but I am so scared to do it.
What if I fail?
The only thing that has kept me going is knowing that I serve a God who is good. God is faithful, always. God is constant and persistent. He will never leave me and He will never desert me. I am doomed to fail without Him...which means I cannot fail.
"I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."
-Psalm 121 NIV
"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have,
because God has said,
"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
So we say with confidence,
"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?""
-Hebrews 13:5-6 NIV
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
-Matthew 6:33-34 NIV
Pray for me and pray that I take the passages above to heart.
God is good, all the time.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Concert/Reading List 2008 & Social Temptation
Concerts I got to see in 2008:
David Crowder Band
Winter Jam (Skillet, MercyMe, Barlow Girl, Mandisa, and Newsong)
Shane & Shane w/ Bethany Dillon and Starfield
Casting Crowns w/ Leeland and Ruth
Sanctus Real
Warped Tour '08 (Anberlin, Relient K, Family Force 5)
Relient K w/ Ludo
Judgement Day w/ Dredg (SOOOO AMAZING!!!)
Winter Wonder Slam (TobyMac, Family Force 5, Relient K)
Books I can remember reading in 2008:
Genesis-Esther (with ABR I read through the first 17 books of the Bible)
Jesus for President by Shane Claiborne & Chris Haw
Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell
Sex God by Rob Bell
Jesus Wants to Save the Christians by Rob Bell & Don Golden
The Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs
Disciplines of a Godly Woman by Barbara Hughes
The Shack by William P. Young
Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson
The Believer's Guide to Spiritual Warfare by Thomas B. White
God is the Gospel by John Piper
Postmodern Youth Ministry by Tony Jones
Wild at Heart by John Eldredge
And I re-read:
Captivating by Staci & John Eldredge
Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss
When I look at that list of books I'm kind of taken aback. I know I've never read that much in one year, and that stuff isn't all fluffy reading. That's exciting! The concerts were all great too, especially Anberlin and seeing Relient K 3 times! I love going to concerts to worship, dance, and just rock out. Most of these were especially great because I got to go with some of the youth group kids from Christ Church and FCEC. I loved being able to share my love for music with them.
God has been so constant in my life. Whether I "felt" on fire for Him or distant, He was always there with me. The world will always tell me that anything but God is the answer. He is not popular in most of my social circles, even those that include some "Christians." The temptation is to choose the easy joke, the gossip, the harmless sarcastic remark, the norm of the group.
But...
"People never crumble in a day. It's a slow fade..." - Slow Fade by Casting Crowns
I was reminded recently by a sermon I heard at the Allegheny Center Alliance Church why I must resist these temptations. When I said "yes" to God, I was changed. My old self died and I was reborn in Christ. That is a HUGE change. And those around me who have not gone through that change do not understand it in the least. It makes them uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable too. But my life does not revolve around my comfort, and I can't keep trying to figure out a way to make everyone else comfortable. I cannot serve both God and man.
"For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good."
-Titus 2:11-14 NIV
We live by the highest standards because we serve a higher power. We will fall short every time...but our God is constant, and He loves us even in our brokenness. I am blessed beyond my wildest hopes and dreams.
I pray that God will continue to help me grow and bring me closer to Him.
Wherever, whenever, whatever...it is all for God's glory.
David Crowder Band
Winter Jam (Skillet, MercyMe, Barlow Girl, Mandisa, and Newsong)
Shane & Shane w/ Bethany Dillon and Starfield
Casting Crowns w/ Leeland and Ruth
Sanctus Real
Warped Tour '08 (Anberlin, Relient K, Family Force 5)
Relient K w/ Ludo
Judgement Day w/ Dredg (SOOOO AMAZING!!!)
Winter Wonder Slam (TobyMac, Family Force 5, Relient K)
Books I can remember reading in 2008:
Genesis-Esther (with ABR I read through the first 17 books of the Bible)
Jesus for President by Shane Claiborne & Chris Haw
Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell
Sex God by Rob Bell
Jesus Wants to Save the Christians by Rob Bell & Don Golden
The Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs
Disciplines of a Godly Woman by Barbara Hughes
The Shack by William P. Young
Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson
The Believer's Guide to Spiritual Warfare by Thomas B. White
God is the Gospel by John Piper
Postmodern Youth Ministry by Tony Jones
Wild at Heart by John Eldredge
And I re-read:
Captivating by Staci & John Eldredge
Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss
When I look at that list of books I'm kind of taken aback. I know I've never read that much in one year, and that stuff isn't all fluffy reading. That's exciting! The concerts were all great too, especially Anberlin and seeing Relient K 3 times! I love going to concerts to worship, dance, and just rock out. Most of these were especially great because I got to go with some of the youth group kids from Christ Church and FCEC. I loved being able to share my love for music with them.
God has been so constant in my life. Whether I "felt" on fire for Him or distant, He was always there with me. The world will always tell me that anything but God is the answer. He is not popular in most of my social circles, even those that include some "Christians." The temptation is to choose the easy joke, the gossip, the harmless sarcastic remark, the norm of the group.
But...
"People never crumble in a day. It's a slow fade..." - Slow Fade by Casting Crowns
I was reminded recently by a sermon I heard at the Allegheny Center Alliance Church why I must resist these temptations. When I said "yes" to God, I was changed. My old self died and I was reborn in Christ. That is a HUGE change. And those around me who have not gone through that change do not understand it in the least. It makes them uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable too. But my life does not revolve around my comfort, and I can't keep trying to figure out a way to make everyone else comfortable. I cannot serve both God and man.
"For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good."
-Titus 2:11-14 NIV
We live by the highest standards because we serve a higher power. We will fall short every time...but our God is constant, and He loves us even in our brokenness. I am blessed beyond my wildest hopes and dreams.
I pray that God will continue to help me grow and bring me closer to Him.
Wherever, whenever, whatever...it is all for God's glory.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
"I just wanna be liked"
I think I'm about to hit a new brick wall. I have been home for 2 1/2 weeks and I have passed the point of going crazy. Most of my time has been spent sitting in bed with my laptop, compulsively checking my e-mail and facebook. The most I've done is lead the Saturday night service once, sing in the choir and see my laryngologist. My lack of social activity is probably my fault. I don't know why I think whining about it is going to make me feel better.
Every time I have come home I have felt farther and farther removed from the people I used to be so close with. I don't talk to anyone I graduated high school with and I've lost touch with so many others from my college tour of America. Honestly, nothing hurts me more than to feel ignored. When I reach out to renew a relationship and that gesture is not reciprocated I assume that I'm always the problem. I feel like I'm not worth reaching for, and that is a terribly depressing place to be.
I'm ready to move on with my life. Staying at home for this long just brings about anxiety attacks from staying around my family for too long and I'm tired of feeling depressed about my lack of meaningful relationships. I do have some and I cherish them, but most of them live outside the tri-state area. I love the kids from FCEC, but they all have friends their age around Pittsburgh to hang out with and they don't understand where I'm coming from. I'm going to graduate this spring, I've lived in 4 different states in the last 5 years, my family is falling apart, and in the next few months I have to figure out how to sustain myself through graduate school and beyond. Yeah...idk...
"One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I tried too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the joke's on me
So call me captain backfire.
I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me.
I'd rather be a mystery
Than he desert me."
-My Stupid Mouth by John Mayer
Every time I have come home I have felt farther and farther removed from the people I used to be so close with. I don't talk to anyone I graduated high school with and I've lost touch with so many others from my college tour of America. Honestly, nothing hurts me more than to feel ignored. When I reach out to renew a relationship and that gesture is not reciprocated I assume that I'm always the problem. I feel like I'm not worth reaching for, and that is a terribly depressing place to be.
I'm ready to move on with my life. Staying at home for this long just brings about anxiety attacks from staying around my family for too long and I'm tired of feeling depressed about my lack of meaningful relationships. I do have some and I cherish them, but most of them live outside the tri-state area. I love the kids from FCEC, but they all have friends their age around Pittsburgh to hang out with and they don't understand where I'm coming from. I'm going to graduate this spring, I've lived in 4 different states in the last 5 years, my family is falling apart, and in the next few months I have to figure out how to sustain myself through graduate school and beyond. Yeah...idk...
"One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I tried too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the joke's on me
So call me captain backfire.
I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me.
I'd rather be a mystery
Than he desert me."
-My Stupid Mouth by John Mayer
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
I'm here to find You
I love 90's/early 2000's worship music. I borrowed a whole cd case full of awesome worship music from Joel. I'm uplifted by groups like Ten Shekel Shirt, FFH, Insyderz, Delirious?, Sonicflood, and so on. Their music was simple but packed with penetrating messages. But worship teams today make the mistake of giving up on these gems because of their simplicity. If you play a song like "Meet With Me" as written without prayerfully considering the message then it's no wonder that it will sound boring. Some of the most powerful worship songs I have heard repeat the same line over and over again, but it never gets boring because the worship leader is in tune with the Holy Spirit. Without that relationship the repetitions of text will be meaningless. We should rediscover these classics and worship in a way that is authentic. Experiment with new harmonies, instrumentation, texture, timbre, volume, but be discerning when it comes to 'ornamenting' music used for worship. It's about the One being glorified by our gifts, not the gifts alone. If you can't articulate the message of the song then you probably shouldn't be leading worship with it.
"Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth."
-John 4:23-24 NIV
"As I wait, you make me strong
As I long, draw me to your arms
As I stand and sing your praise
You come, you come and you fill this place
Won't you come, Won't you come and fill this place"
-"Meet With Me" by Ten Shekel Shirt
"Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth."
-John 4:23-24 NIV
"As I wait, you make me strong
As I long, draw me to your arms
As I stand and sing your praise
You come, you come and you fill this place
Won't you come, Won't you come and fill this place"
-"Meet With Me" by Ten Shekel Shirt
Friday, December 19, 2008
Keep following, for unto us a son is given
I love Casting Crown's version of "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day." The arrangement is beautiful, the text emphasis is tight, and of course I love hearing violins mixed with rock music. The lyrics are so powerful for this time of year. We can so easily forget the meaning of this season.
For me it has been difficult to get into the "spirit" of the season when I don't feel it yet. I'm hanging out at home with little to do, fighting with my family, trying to find my place in the world. Following has been more difficult than I thought. I just finished a pretty spiritually flat-lined semester and I want to change that. I need Him now more than ever.
That's why I'm so thankful for this Christmas season, for the gift we can't find in a store or redeem with a gift card. Even when I fall away, this Savior will always be right there waiting for me. I can't think of a more beautiful picture than meeting my Lord, taking His hand, and continuing on our walk.
I know He has many meaningful relationships out there for me. I just have to keep walking. Keep following...
"Every warrior's boot used in battle
and every garment rolled in blood
will be destined for burning,
will be fuel for the fire.
For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end.
He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom,
establishing and upholding it
with justice and righteousness
from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the LORD Almighty will accomplish this."
-Isaiah 9:5-7 NIV
For me it has been difficult to get into the "spirit" of the season when I don't feel it yet. I'm hanging out at home with little to do, fighting with my family, trying to find my place in the world. Following has been more difficult than I thought. I just finished a pretty spiritually flat-lined semester and I want to change that. I need Him now more than ever.
That's why I'm so thankful for this Christmas season, for the gift we can't find in a store or redeem with a gift card. Even when I fall away, this Savior will always be right there waiting for me. I can't think of a more beautiful picture than meeting my Lord, taking His hand, and continuing on our walk.
I know He has many meaningful relationships out there for me. I just have to keep walking. Keep following...
"Every warrior's boot used in battle
and every garment rolled in blood
will be destined for burning,
will be fuel for the fire.
For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end.
He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom,
establishing and upholding it
with justice and righteousness
from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the LORD Almighty will accomplish this."
-Isaiah 9:5-7 NIV
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Broken
Wow...I stink at keeping this updated. In general I haven't journaled or devoed very much this year. That's super sad. With ABR at Christ Church we've been reading through the Gospels and we are currently in the midst of John. Other than reading for that and the few and far between trip to Panera or Starbucks to chill with a book I have not read much else. I did finish Mere Christianity, which was wonderful. I'm now 2 chapters into Rob Bell's new book Jesus Wants To Save Christians.
I'm trying to figure out where to go next year and what I will do there. Where does God want me?
I'm working on new recital rep as well as our production of The Mikado, which opens in 2 weeks.
I'm taking the GRE in...2 weeks.
I'm trying to find a Christian community to be a part of. I've been going to this group in Greenville on Mondays called Engage with my friends Brian and Nate. It has been really wonderful way to get fed and visit for a bit with friends who care about the things I do.
I'm really missing Pittsburgh, my family, Joey (my dog), my old church, and mostly my old friends. I've lost touch with so many people since I left WVU. I know it's a two-way street, but it still hurts.
I'm struggling with spiritual attack at my internship. I love talking to the kids and program planning for events. My current issue is with the overload of sarcasm in my relationships with the staff. I've pointed it out over and over again but nothing changes. They say it's "just who they are." I don't buy it. If it hurts anyone's feelings (which it is) they should stop. Sarcasm literally means 'cutting of the flesh (thank you B-lils).' I cried for the first 20 minutes on the highway when I left because I was so frustrated and I felt so misunderstood and ignored.
I'm mourning the loss of my Grammy, Edith van Mook. She was my dad's mom and we had had a strained relationship for the last 8 years. I know she loved me and I got to tell her I loved her a few weeks before she died. No matter who it is or how things were, losing someone still hurts.
I feel so broken...lost...and a little bit alone.
"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"
-Coldplay 'Fix You'
"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.
Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him.
Let him bury his face in the dust—there may yet be hope.
Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace.
For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.
For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."
-Lamentations 3:19-33 NIV
I'm trying to figure out where to go next year and what I will do there. Where does God want me?
I'm working on new recital rep as well as our production of The Mikado, which opens in 2 weeks.
I'm taking the GRE in...2 weeks.
I'm trying to find a Christian community to be a part of. I've been going to this group in Greenville on Mondays called Engage with my friends Brian and Nate. It has been really wonderful way to get fed and visit for a bit with friends who care about the things I do.
I'm really missing Pittsburgh, my family, Joey (my dog), my old church, and mostly my old friends. I've lost touch with so many people since I left WVU. I know it's a two-way street, but it still hurts.
I'm struggling with spiritual attack at my internship. I love talking to the kids and program planning for events. My current issue is with the overload of sarcasm in my relationships with the staff. I've pointed it out over and over again but nothing changes. They say it's "just who they are." I don't buy it. If it hurts anyone's feelings (which it is) they should stop. Sarcasm literally means 'cutting of the flesh (thank you B-lils).' I cried for the first 20 minutes on the highway when I left because I was so frustrated and I felt so misunderstood and ignored.
I'm mourning the loss of my Grammy, Edith van Mook. She was my dad's mom and we had had a strained relationship for the last 8 years. I know she loved me and I got to tell her I loved her a few weeks before she died. No matter who it is or how things were, losing someone still hurts.
I feel so broken...lost...and a little bit alone.
"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"
-Coldplay 'Fix You'
"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.
Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him.
Let him bury his face in the dust—there may yet be hope.
Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace.
For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.
For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."
-Lamentations 3:19-33 NIV
Saturday, August 23, 2008
It's time for true devotion
Well I am back in South Carolina. In less than 9 hours I will be moving back into my dorm room. In a way it is comforting to be in a somewhat familiar place for once. Again, this is my first time as a returning student, haha! I know where everything is, I know people, and I won't feel so out of place. Yet something isn't quite right.
The more I think about it the more I feel like this place isn't right for me. Let's face it, I am by no means a southern belle. They are pristine and polite. So in a way I am still trying to understand how I fit in to this place. I'm also still trying to figure out how to live like a woman of God...whatever that means. How do you find the middle ground between judgemental and free-spirited? Prude and hippie? Bull horn and daisy (that probably only made sense to me)?
I did all my summer reading and then some. It was eye-opening and wonderful but I feel like I should have taken more from it. I think a part of me wanted this past summer to be really amazing and life-changing, which for all I know it was, just not in the way I saw it. It seems like everyone I know got to be a part of this larger picture of the kingdom while I was doing laundry in Fox Chapel...one day a week...for minimum wage.
And in spite of the arguing and drama the most redeeming quality this summer had for me was my time at FCEC. I got to lead worship twice, co-lead a girls book study, plan an amazing goodbye party for Dudley, hang out with 3 year-olds at VBS, drink dozens of cups of caribou coffee, and go feet-first down a water slide...in a silk dress. I tear up just thinking about those kids. They are my passion. I would do anything to see them smile and hear them laugh. (ok, now I am crying thinking about them)
I did a lot of me-work this summer. And I pray that some of it spilled over into my work at FCEC. I'm learning to be more patient and better at expressing how I feel, especially concerning my male counterparts in ministry. Shutting down is not an effective display of communication. Instead of getting frustrated and assuming the worst I need to stop, pray, then talk it out. PRAY being the most important part. I want to spend more time in the word and less time sitting aimlessly at my computer (this doesn't count...in fact I want to blog more...especially with more devos as this was intended to be).
I can see myself in music ministry, leading worship in a church service as well as rocking out in a worship concert. That is still what drives me. I'm also beginning to feel drawn towards youth ministry. I love talking to kids about God and thinking of fun and creative ways to show them how to apply the word to their lives. Plus the little controller in me loves to organize! One night this summer after dinner we went back to the church at 10:30 because I really REALLY wanted to organize the former youth minister's office. We were there for almost 2 hours cleaning, sorting and organizing...and I was EXCITED! Haha!
Who knows...maybe this summer was just a stepping stone towards something higher...
"They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved."
-Acts 2:42-47 NIV
The more I think about it the more I feel like this place isn't right for me. Let's face it, I am by no means a southern belle. They are pristine and polite. So in a way I am still trying to understand how I fit in to this place. I'm also still trying to figure out how to live like a woman of God...whatever that means. How do you find the middle ground between judgemental and free-spirited? Prude and hippie? Bull horn and daisy (that probably only made sense to me)?
I did all my summer reading and then some. It was eye-opening and wonderful but I feel like I should have taken more from it. I think a part of me wanted this past summer to be really amazing and life-changing, which for all I know it was, just not in the way I saw it. It seems like everyone I know got to be a part of this larger picture of the kingdom while I was doing laundry in Fox Chapel...one day a week...for minimum wage.
And in spite of the arguing and drama the most redeeming quality this summer had for me was my time at FCEC. I got to lead worship twice, co-lead a girls book study, plan an amazing goodbye party for Dudley, hang out with 3 year-olds at VBS, drink dozens of cups of caribou coffee, and go feet-first down a water slide...in a silk dress. I tear up just thinking about those kids. They are my passion. I would do anything to see them smile and hear them laugh. (ok, now I am crying thinking about them)
I did a lot of me-work this summer. And I pray that some of it spilled over into my work at FCEC. I'm learning to be more patient and better at expressing how I feel, especially concerning my male counterparts in ministry. Shutting down is not an effective display of communication. Instead of getting frustrated and assuming the worst I need to stop, pray, then talk it out. PRAY being the most important part. I want to spend more time in the word and less time sitting aimlessly at my computer (this doesn't count...in fact I want to blog more...especially with more devos as this was intended to be).
I can see myself in music ministry, leading worship in a church service as well as rocking out in a worship concert. That is still what drives me. I'm also beginning to feel drawn towards youth ministry. I love talking to kids about God and thinking of fun and creative ways to show them how to apply the word to their lives. Plus the little controller in me loves to organize! One night this summer after dinner we went back to the church at 10:30 because I really REALLY wanted to organize the former youth minister's office. We were there for almost 2 hours cleaning, sorting and organizing...and I was EXCITED! Haha!
Who knows...maybe this summer was just a stepping stone towards something higher...
"They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved."
-Acts 2:42-47 NIV
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Let nothing move you.
The question that keeps coming to mind when I think about the way this summer has been going for me is:
What am I going to do with my life and how are my choices today affecting it?
I'm headed into my 5th and final year of my undergraduate studies in vocal performance (I know, crazy right?!). This will also be my first year as a "returning student" which means I have to move myself in...no orientation staff to carry everything in for me. Haha! It will be interesting to see what happens in terms of fellowship when I'm surrounded by the same set of people for more than a year. I'm over the whole 'chick school' thing. I want more than surface level connections with these girls. Surface relationships don't last...hence the last 4 years and the few friendships that have lasted along the way. I cherish the lasting ones so much.
So will it be music minister, opera singer, rock star, or a fusion of all 3? I know that ultimately I shouldn't worry about tomorrow...I get it...mist...thanks James! But looking at all the things I love to do, I wonder how they are going to come together. If I could do anything I wanted and start it right now, I would probably form a band of Jesus-loving rock musicians and go write and record music and play sweet gigs at little places like Mr. Smalls in Millvale, PA (def one of the coolest concert venues I've ever been to).
Instead I'm at home reading, playing with my dog, watching tv, attempting to repair the broken youth group at my church, or trying to find places to practice my recital rep. Basically I feel like I'm not doing anything meaningful with my life this summer. Along with the aforementioned stuff, I work one night a week at a local restaurant doing laundry. It's very exciting. I convinced myself that I couldn't do anything else in terms of work because of my trips to Spartanburg, SC. Looking back I probably could have found something with more hours. What can I say? I am queen of the procrasti-nation.
So far this summer I have finished reading:
Disciplines of a Godly Woman by Barbara Hughes
A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson (honestly, I got bored and skimmed through)
Jesus for President by Shane Claiborne
The Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs
Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell
Sex God by Rob Bell
Obviously there's a theme here. I've been focusing on "Christian" books because I wanted to explore what years of youth group never taught me. Rob Bell's books have been the most intriguing for me. It's easy for me to follow his train of thought and his work made me want to go out and read more. He makes me want to study church history and keep asking questions. I got burned out pretty quickly from all the Episcopal Church drama and trying to pick up the pieces of the youth group at FCEC, and Bell's books have addressed some of my issues with the church. Basically I know I'm not alone.
I just don't want to look back on these years and think, "I could have done so much more. I wish I had just trusted God more and gone for it." How much would that suck?
I want to go deeper.
I want to be challenged.
I want to be LOUD.
I want to question and learn and be broken down and rebuilt.
I want to love the way Jesus does.
"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."
- 1 Corinthians 15:58 NIV
What am I going to do with my life and how are my choices today affecting it?
I'm headed into my 5th and final year of my undergraduate studies in vocal performance (I know, crazy right?!). This will also be my first year as a "returning student" which means I have to move myself in...no orientation staff to carry everything in for me. Haha! It will be interesting to see what happens in terms of fellowship when I'm surrounded by the same set of people for more than a year. I'm over the whole 'chick school' thing. I want more than surface level connections with these girls. Surface relationships don't last...hence the last 4 years and the few friendships that have lasted along the way. I cherish the lasting ones so much.
So will it be music minister, opera singer, rock star, or a fusion of all 3? I know that ultimately I shouldn't worry about tomorrow...I get it...mist...thanks James! But looking at all the things I love to do, I wonder how they are going to come together. If I could do anything I wanted and start it right now, I would probably form a band of Jesus-loving rock musicians and go write and record music and play sweet gigs at little places like Mr. Smalls in Millvale, PA (def one of the coolest concert venues I've ever been to).
Instead I'm at home reading, playing with my dog, watching tv, attempting to repair the broken youth group at my church, or trying to find places to practice my recital rep. Basically I feel like I'm not doing anything meaningful with my life this summer. Along with the aforementioned stuff, I work one night a week at a local restaurant doing laundry. It's very exciting. I convinced myself that I couldn't do anything else in terms of work because of my trips to Spartanburg, SC. Looking back I probably could have found something with more hours. What can I say? I am queen of the procrasti-nation.
So far this summer I have finished reading:
Disciplines of a Godly Woman by Barbara Hughes
A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson (honestly, I got bored and skimmed through)
Jesus for President by Shane Claiborne
The Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs
Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell
Sex God by Rob Bell
Obviously there's a theme here. I've been focusing on "Christian" books because I wanted to explore what years of youth group never taught me. Rob Bell's books have been the most intriguing for me. It's easy for me to follow his train of thought and his work made me want to go out and read more. He makes me want to study church history and keep asking questions. I got burned out pretty quickly from all the Episcopal Church drama and trying to pick up the pieces of the youth group at FCEC, and Bell's books have addressed some of my issues with the church. Basically I know I'm not alone.
I just don't want to look back on these years and think, "I could have done so much more. I wish I had just trusted God more and gone for it." How much would that suck?
I want to go deeper.
I want to be challenged.
I want to be LOUD.
I want to question and learn and be broken down and rebuilt.
I want to love the way Jesus does.
"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."
- 1 Corinthians 15:58 NIV
Thursday, May 22, 2008
What is your life? You are a mist...
Well it's the end of May and I've been home for a little over a week. I made it through the most difficult semester of my life and I just discovered that I didn't fail any classes (YAY...although I came close in piano). Most of the stuff from my dorm room is still sitting in the foyer of my house. I think I feel weird only because I haven't gotten into a routine yet. I've done a little unpacking and a lot of sitting around. My passion for reading has fizzled since I've been home, which I kind of expected. That needs to be remedied before I say I'll put up devos more frequently.
So here are my plans for the summer (God willing):
1. Read A LOT!
On my list for the summer are Shane Claiborne's new book "Jesus for President" and A. J. Jacob's "The Year of Living Biblically." I have some ABR (Amazing Bible Race) reading to catch up on. I've read from Genesis to Nehemiah, but I need to go back to pick up 2 Kings and 1 & 2 Chronicles. I'm also still in the midst of Barbara Hughes' "Disciplines of a Godly Woman" and Marianne Williamson's "A Return to Love." I'm sure a few more will make the list as the months roll by.
2. Voice Lessons
I'm travelling back to Spartanburg, SC 3 times before the school year starts in late August to take voice lessons for a few days at a time. My junior recital is on Sept. 12 so I need to be as prepared as I can. I love all of my music and I can't wait to perform it for everyone! So therefore this summer I will be doing a lot of...
3. Practicing!
My music is sweet but it's difficult. We've completely 180'd my technique over the last few months so I'm working a lot harder at being consistent with my breath support. It's so much better, but it's a lot of work! I'm hoping to be in a practice room at least every other day for a few hours.
4. Help out at FCEC.
My youth group is so broken up here. With our Rector leaving at the end of June, consistent budget cuts, low attendance, and the whole national church crisis, it's no wonder the youth feel left out. I'm getting a girls group together to do a book study and just hang out together since the boys have taken over the youth group. Any suggestions for a book? This is a great group of kids and I just pray that God will continue to work in them and make them stronger through this storm.
5. Get a job.
I think I'll be working at the Hartwood Restaurant, doing anything from front of the house to laundry. It'll give me something to do and make my dad happy.
Other than that things are pretty up in the air. Again, I try not to plan out too far ahead because as I have been shown time and time again God thinks my plans are funny. He likes to change them. I'll see at the end of the summer how this list turns out. I just want to grow in character and continue to be passionate about following the Lord. Anything else that comes along is just bonus!
"Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."
James 4:13-15 NIV
So here are my plans for the summer (God willing):
1. Read A LOT!
On my list for the summer are Shane Claiborne's new book "Jesus for President" and A. J. Jacob's "The Year of Living Biblically." I have some ABR (Amazing Bible Race) reading to catch up on. I've read from Genesis to Nehemiah, but I need to go back to pick up 2 Kings and 1 & 2 Chronicles. I'm also still in the midst of Barbara Hughes' "Disciplines of a Godly Woman" and Marianne Williamson's "A Return to Love." I'm sure a few more will make the list as the months roll by.
2. Voice Lessons
I'm travelling back to Spartanburg, SC 3 times before the school year starts in late August to take voice lessons for a few days at a time. My junior recital is on Sept. 12 so I need to be as prepared as I can. I love all of my music and I can't wait to perform it for everyone! So therefore this summer I will be doing a lot of...
3. Practicing!
My music is sweet but it's difficult. We've completely 180'd my technique over the last few months so I'm working a lot harder at being consistent with my breath support. It's so much better, but it's a lot of work! I'm hoping to be in a practice room at least every other day for a few hours.
4. Help out at FCEC.
My youth group is so broken up here. With our Rector leaving at the end of June, consistent budget cuts, low attendance, and the whole national church crisis, it's no wonder the youth feel left out. I'm getting a girls group together to do a book study and just hang out together since the boys have taken over the youth group. Any suggestions for a book? This is a great group of kids and I just pray that God will continue to work in them and make them stronger through this storm.
5. Get a job.
I think I'll be working at the Hartwood Restaurant, doing anything from front of the house to laundry. It'll give me something to do and make my dad happy.
Other than that things are pretty up in the air. Again, I try not to plan out too far ahead because as I have been shown time and time again God thinks my plans are funny. He likes to change them. I'll see at the end of the summer how this list turns out. I just want to grow in character and continue to be passionate about following the Lord. Anything else that comes along is just bonus!
"Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."
James 4:13-15 NIV
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Does anyone still wear a hat?
Hey kids! I stink at keeping this updated...school is eating my life. It's hard for me to find the time to sit here and type up all the devos I feel pulling at me to write. Once the semester starts to wind down I will be able to do this more.
I wanted to post this (thanks Stu!) because it brought back so many memories of when I did musical theatre. It also made me aware of how cool it is to be an opera chick! I love performing so much!
THEATRE SURVEY
LAST SHOW ADDED TO YOUR RESUME:
Scenes from The Ballad of Baby Doe (Augusta) and Giulio Cesare (Cornelia)
LAST SHOW YOU AUDITIONED FOR:
Opera scenes (the ones listed above!)
LAST SONG YOU USED AT AN AUDITION:
It might have been Lullaby from The Consul
WHAT WAS YOUR VERY FIRST SHOW:
Mary Poppins in second grade...I was a penguin, a bank teller, and a mouse in this crazy dream sequence we added
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DANCE SOLO?
Umm...probably not...
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A SINGING SOLO?
Yes :O
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THE LAST PERSON TO TAKE A BOW?
No
HAVE YOU BEEN TO NEW YORK?
Mmm hmm! It's been a while though...
HAVE YOU BEEN TO LA?
No
HAVE YOU BEEN TO LONDON?
Twice, I saw Starlight Express there in 8th grade...it was ridiculous...musicals were not meant to be put on skates
WHAT'S THE SCARIEST PART OF AN AUDITION?
Not delivering the kind of performance I know I'm capable of
WHAT'S THE BEST PART OF AN AUDITION?
The rare glimpse of a judge/director smiling
NAME A SHOW YOU WOULD NEVER DO AGAIN:
Bye Bye Birdie
NAME A SHOW YOU COULD DO FOR YEARS:
Into the Woods - I've never been in it but I know I could play the Witch for years
WHAT ARE YOU AUDITIONING FOR NEXT?
The Mikado and fall opera scenes
DO YOU KEEP IN TOUCH WITH PAST CAST MEMBERS?
I rarely hear from any Act Oners, but I still talk to some theatre govies
ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW IMPORTANT IS GETTING PAID?
Well I've never been paid for a role, so its not important yet...but it will be
SOMETHING EMBARRASSING OR UNEXPECTED THAT HAPPENED TO YOU WHILE ON STAGE?
I learned how to ride a bike for the role of the Wicked Witch/Miss Gultch in The Wizard of Oz (that's right, I learned how to ride a bike when I was 18) and my rides were maybe 60% accurate for the 6 shows we did...that and I almost lit my dress on fire with this pyro effect thing I had in my hand for a scene...
EVER BEEN NAKED ON STAGE?
Eww....no!
BEEN KILLED?
Yes!! In The Wizard of Oz as the Wicked Witch...I milked that scene for all it was worth!!
PLAYED DRUNK ON STAGE?
I sang 'The Ladies Who Lunch' from Company in a studio recital last year and I used a martini glass as a prop...that was soooooooo much fun!! "Does anyone still wear a hat? I'll drink to that!"
PLAYED SOMEONE HALF YOUR AGE?
At PGSA '03 in The America Clock I played Doris as three different ages...let me tell you that I do NOT make a convincing 13 year old...I guess that's not really half my age...oh well
PLAYED SOMEONE TWICE YOUR AGE?
Pretty much every mezzo-soprano character I will ever play will be way older than me...or a whore
FIRED A GUN?
Nope
DRIVEN A CAR?
No...I rode a bike...but we've already been through how that went...
BEEN DRENCHED?
My death scene as the Wicked Witch....and I've been sweaty many times before that, HA! :P
BEEN IN A DREAM SEQUENCE?
Yep
BEEN KISSED?
Hahahahahahaha!! Oh awkward...we tried to do one in The American Clock but I kept giggling
I wanted to post this (thanks Stu!) because it brought back so many memories of when I did musical theatre. It also made me aware of how cool it is to be an opera chick! I love performing so much!
THEATRE SURVEY
LAST SHOW ADDED TO YOUR RESUME:
Scenes from The Ballad of Baby Doe (Augusta) and Giulio Cesare (Cornelia)
LAST SHOW YOU AUDITIONED FOR:
Opera scenes (the ones listed above!)
LAST SONG YOU USED AT AN AUDITION:
It might have been Lullaby from The Consul
WHAT WAS YOUR VERY FIRST SHOW:
Mary Poppins in second grade...I was a penguin, a bank teller, and a mouse in this crazy dream sequence we added
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DANCE SOLO?
Umm...probably not...
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A SINGING SOLO?
Yes :O
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THE LAST PERSON TO TAKE A BOW?
No
HAVE YOU BEEN TO NEW YORK?
Mmm hmm! It's been a while though...
HAVE YOU BEEN TO LA?
No
HAVE YOU BEEN TO LONDON?
Twice, I saw Starlight Express there in 8th grade...it was ridiculous...musicals were not meant to be put on skates
WHAT'S THE SCARIEST PART OF AN AUDITION?
Not delivering the kind of performance I know I'm capable of
WHAT'S THE BEST PART OF AN AUDITION?
The rare glimpse of a judge/director smiling
NAME A SHOW YOU WOULD NEVER DO AGAIN:
Bye Bye Birdie
NAME A SHOW YOU COULD DO FOR YEARS:
Into the Woods - I've never been in it but I know I could play the Witch for years
WHAT ARE YOU AUDITIONING FOR NEXT?
The Mikado and fall opera scenes
DO YOU KEEP IN TOUCH WITH PAST CAST MEMBERS?
I rarely hear from any Act Oners, but I still talk to some theatre govies
ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW IMPORTANT IS GETTING PAID?
Well I've never been paid for a role, so its not important yet...but it will be
SOMETHING EMBARRASSING OR UNEXPECTED THAT HAPPENED TO YOU WHILE ON STAGE?
I learned how to ride a bike for the role of the Wicked Witch/Miss Gultch in The Wizard of Oz (that's right, I learned how to ride a bike when I was 18) and my rides were maybe 60% accurate for the 6 shows we did...that and I almost lit my dress on fire with this pyro effect thing I had in my hand for a scene...
EVER BEEN NAKED ON STAGE?
Eww....no!
BEEN KILLED?
Yes!! In The Wizard of Oz as the Wicked Witch...I milked that scene for all it was worth!!
PLAYED DRUNK ON STAGE?
I sang 'The Ladies Who Lunch' from Company in a studio recital last year and I used a martini glass as a prop...that was soooooooo much fun!! "Does anyone still wear a hat? I'll drink to that!"
PLAYED SOMEONE HALF YOUR AGE?
At PGSA '03 in The America Clock I played Doris as three different ages...let me tell you that I do NOT make a convincing 13 year old...I guess that's not really half my age...oh well
PLAYED SOMEONE TWICE YOUR AGE?
Pretty much every mezzo-soprano character I will ever play will be way older than me...or a whore
FIRED A GUN?
Nope
DRIVEN A CAR?
No...I rode a bike...but we've already been through how that went...
BEEN DRENCHED?
My death scene as the Wicked Witch....and I've been sweaty many times before that, HA! :P
BEEN IN A DREAM SEQUENCE?
Yep
BEEN KISSED?
Hahahahahahaha!! Oh awkward...we tried to do one in The American Clock but I kept giggling
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