Broken

Wow...I stink at keeping this updated. In general I haven't journaled or devoed very much this year. That's super sad. With ABR at Christ Church we've been reading through the Gospels and we are currently in the midst of John. Other than reading for that and the few and far between trip to Panera or Starbucks to chill with a book I have not read much else. I did finish Mere Christianity, which was wonderful. I'm now 2 chapters into Rob Bell's new book Jesus Wants To Save Christians.

I'm trying to figure out where to go next year and what I will do there. Where does God want me?

I'm working on new recital rep as well as our production of The Mikado, which opens in 2 weeks.

I'm taking the GRE in...2 weeks.

I'm trying to find a Christian community to be a part of. I've been going to this group in Greenville on Mondays called Engage with my friends Brian and Nate. It has been really wonderful way to get fed and visit for a bit with friends who care about the things I do.

I'm really missing Pittsburgh, my family, Joey (my dog), my old church, and mostly my old friends. I've lost touch with so many people since I left WVU. I know it's a two-way street, but it still hurts.

I'm struggling with spiritual attack at my internship. I love talking to the kids and program planning for events. My current issue is with the overload of sarcasm in my relationships with the staff. I've pointed it out over and over again but nothing changes. They say it's "just who they are." I don't buy it. If it hurts anyone's feelings (which it is) they should stop. Sarcasm literally means 'cutting of the flesh (thank you B-lils).' I cried for the first 20 minutes on the highway when I left because I was so frustrated and I felt so misunderstood and ignored.

I'm mourning the loss of my Grammy, Edith van Mook. She was my dad's mom and we had had a strained relationship for the last 8 years. I know she loved me and I got to tell her I loved her a few weeks before she died. No matter who it is or how things were, losing someone still hurts.


I feel so broken...lost...and a little bit alone.


"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"

-Coldplay 'Fix You'


"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.

Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him.
Let him bury his face in the dust—there may yet be hope.
Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace.

For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.
For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."

-Lamentations 3:19-33 NIV

We all break the same

My life has been quite scattered in the past few weeks. I keep describing the way I've felt like this:
It's like getting hit by a bus in a dream. It hits in an instant, your body goes numb, then you wake up screaming with your heart racing. Everything around you is in the same place it was when you closed your eyes, but at the same time everything is different.

Spiritual warfare has been an ever present 'thorn in my side.' I fight off new strategies nearly every day. If I had to give Satan a compliment, it would be that he certainly is persistent. Now I know that many of the things happening in my life right now are tests from God, meant to grow my faith. Yet I recognize the negative comments swirling around in my head to be the voice of evil. Sometimes its one thought, then other times it is a white-out of hateful rantings towards me.
This happens when I'm alone but more so when I am with others, especially other Christians. In one particular instance a few weeks ago I was in music team practice. Someone made a loaded comment that made me feel self-conscious about my voice. Within a few minutes the lies were deafening in my ears and I completely shut down. That has been my defense lately - instead of saying something I will regret I just keep quiet. But instead of regrouping and processing those suppressed emotions, I bottle them and pretend they aren't there.
Anyone who knows me well knows that I have the potential to be very LOUD...when I go silent they know something is wrong.

My answers are always in God's word. This particular verse from John's gospel caught me off guard. It is from Jesus's prayer for his disciples just before he is handed over to be crucified;

"I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one."
- John 17:14-15 [italics added] NIV


I'm here for a purpose; to bring glory to God. And I am trying, but it is by no means easy. Why should it be? I am a sinner made righteous by God through the blood of Jesus Christ.

Two weekends ago while I was on my way home to attend the funeral of my grandpa, I was told by a good friend that God allows us to feel grief so that we might have some small perspective of how He felt when He allowed His son to die in such a horrific manner.

I end this post with some sweet lyrics by the band Mute Math and an honest statement:
I feel so broken that at times I feel numb. Numb to the pain, to emotion, to almost everything that brings me joy. But I'm fighting...for my heart, for my voice...and I know God is doing the same for me. God is faithful...He is always faithful.


The crowds roll by
and i'm falling in
everyone's invincible
but its just pretend

and we all freaked out
what a shame
when only tears
know how
to remind us we all break the same

we all break the same
and we all break the same

and everything we've built
could be our demise
it's the sticks and stones
that wear us down
that often save our lives

the different stars tonight
will somehow fade the same
and all the tears we cry
tell us we're made the same
and when we fall aside
let's hope we fall in place
we built our different lives
but they all break the same

- Mute Math (Break the Same)



Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.
For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.
- Psalm 116:7-9
William David Pontious (September 24, 1927- February 28, 2008)