Sure and certain...not...

I have most definitely hit the mid-semester breakdown point. Spring break is 3 weeks away, but in those weeks I have so much work to get done. But that's not even what is stressing me out the most.
Honestly, I'm worried that I have no future.
Yes, that sounds ridiculous. Let me explain.

I am 0/2 for graduate school. Both Miami and UNC Greensboro turned me down for vocal performance, but I'm still waiting to hear from Southern for music ministry. Even if I get in, I don't know if I can afford to go. So what do I do if I don't go to graduate school?

Get a job.

Ok, fine. I know I need a job...but what do I do? I'm not experienced enough to run a youth ministry on my own, but another internship won't pay enough. Plus I want to do music. Even the thought of working somewhere without music makes me want to cry. I'm a strong believer in the idea that you should do what you love. Otherwise, what's the point? We're all gifted in different areas and we should use those gifts to glorify God. I was gifted musically...I love it...and I'm good at it. I'm not willing to settle on anything else. I'll never understand how some people can suppress their talents and desires just to make more money or have more security. I know I sound overly-optimistic when I say that. But I'm being honest...I do not want to compromise.
My greatest fear is that I will have to spend my life doing something I do not feel passionate about.

My faith tells me that I should not worry about what will happen tomorrow. God has plans for me, wonderful plans that I can't imagine. When I read those verses I feel stupid for ever worrying or doubting, but I still do. Some days it is hard to stay hopeful when everyone around is saying that you need to have a plan, a job, a boyfriend, a clear direction.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see." - Hebrews 11:1 NIV

Sigh...that verse always gets me. It also reminds me how weak my faith is at times like these. I actually told a friend last week that being a Christian is too hard sometimes. There is so much sacrifice and surrender involved when you try to live as Christ would have you live. The believing isn't the part I struggle with, it is the following without preconceptions or conditions.

He will not let your foot slip

Growing up sucks. I'm 23 and on the verge of stepping out of the undergraduate bubble I have been in for the past 5 years. I have to rely less on my parents and more on myself. I am blessed to have a family that has been able to provide for me along the way while also encouraging me to me self sufficient. There is no way I could have attended college without them and I am not ashamed of that level of dependency. But things are changing...and I got a huge reality check today.

My dad informed me on my 23rd birthday that I was no longer covered under the family's health insurance plan (yeah I know, happy birthday to me). That might not be such a big deal if I did not have a chronic illness that requires 6 prescriptions every month. For the last 6 years as a diabetic my co-pays for prescriptions have been very low. But today when I went to pick up 2 of them I had to pay the full price. I had to go outside, sit in my car and cry for about 10 minutes on the phone with my mom.

Let me explain why I freaked out. For these 2 particular prescriptions with my old insurance copay, I would have paid $10 total. Today I had to pay $145. That was for the 2 "cheapest" prescriptions I pick up once a month. Hence why I had to step outside. How am I going to afford these for the rest of my life (or until they cure type 1 diabetes) on a musician's/ministry salary?
For the next few months my parents are going to pay for my separate health insurance out of pocket, but soon I'll have to find a way to pay for it myself. I'm terrified. I don't know what I'm going to do. All of these "what ifs" are swirling around in my head. I'm not ready to be an adult. I want to move on but I am so scared to do it.

What if I fail?

The only thing that has kept me going is knowing that I serve a God who is good. God is faithful, always. God is constant and persistent. He will never leave me and He will never desert me. I am doomed to fail without Him...which means I cannot fail.


"I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."
-Psalm 121 NIV


"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have,
because God has said,
"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
So we say with confidence,
"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?""
-Hebrews 13:5-6 NIV


"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
-Matthew 6:33-34 NIV

Pray for me and pray that I take the passages above to heart.
God is good, all the time.

The Word is Alive

'For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.'
- Hebrews 4:12-13 NIV

One of my favorite bands of all time is Casting Crowns. Their lyrics are powerful and as a group they are devoted to sharing the gospel with their listeners. On their newest album they have a song called 'The Word is Alive.' The song's chorus is definitely inspired by this verse from Hebrews. The message of the song is that God's word is alive and relevant. Even as time has gone by, when everything else fades, His word will prevail.

I blogged about this on my bands myspace (you can check out our link on the right, Habbakuk). Christians today seem to get bored very easily. In the age of ADD it seems like everything needs to be brightly colored and shiny to hold our attention.
But what about God's word? When I walk into church I am not greeted with pyrotechnics or circus performers (although some churches seem to be heading in that direction). As a practicing Episcopalian sometimes the only unpredictable event in the service is whether the rector will preach from the pulpit or come down to pew level. And I like that. Because for me each service has a completely different mood depending on the message of the readings and the sermon. I sense that because I have made the conscious effort to pay attention. ....let me repeat that last part just in case you missed it.
"I have made the conscious effort to PAY ATTENTION [caps added]."

We've all experienced those Sunday mornings or those times at home when we have heard or read scripture and felt bored to pieces. 'What does this have to do with my life?' 'I don't live in this time period, so how am I supposed to apply this?'

The truth affirmed in this verse from Hebrews is that, new flash, God's word is alive; it is ALWAYS relevant. It cuts through all of the glitz of this world and goes straight to our hearts. But we need to be paying attention. If you have experienced, as I have many times before, those waves of boredom as a result of hearing God's word, then you weren't really paying attention. You allowed the enemy to harden your heart to the message. Imagine how you would feel if you allowed yourself to be moved by the message every Sunday and every time you read. That's how you is supposed to feel! So next time you begin to doze off, figuratively or literally as we have all seen, ask the Lord to open your eyes, your ears and your heart to His word. He may reveal something you were not expecting.


Towards the end of the Casting Crowns song I mentioned is a spoken message that sums up the power of scripture and its ability to continually awe those who read it. I get goosebumps and a huge smile every time I hear this part of the song:

"The bible was enstrived over a period of two thousand years, in times of war and in days of peace, by kings, physicians, tax collectors, farmers, fishermen, singers and shepherds. The marvel is that a library so perfectly cohesive could have been produced by such a diverse crowd over a period of time which staggers the imagination.
Jesus is its grand subject, our good is designed as the glory of God is its end."


Who needs fireworks when we have a work of love like this right at our fingertips??