He will not let your foot slip

Growing up sucks. I'm 23 and on the verge of stepping out of the undergraduate bubble I have been in for the past 5 years. I have to rely less on my parents and more on myself. I am blessed to have a family that has been able to provide for me along the way while also encouraging me to me self sufficient. There is no way I could have attended college without them and I am not ashamed of that level of dependency. But things are changing...and I got a huge reality check today.

My dad informed me on my 23rd birthday that I was no longer covered under the family's health insurance plan (yeah I know, happy birthday to me). That might not be such a big deal if I did not have a chronic illness that requires 6 prescriptions every month. For the last 6 years as a diabetic my co-pays for prescriptions have been very low. But today when I went to pick up 2 of them I had to pay the full price. I had to go outside, sit in my car and cry for about 10 minutes on the phone with my mom.

Let me explain why I freaked out. For these 2 particular prescriptions with my old insurance copay, I would have paid $10 total. Today I had to pay $145. That was for the 2 "cheapest" prescriptions I pick up once a month. Hence why I had to step outside. How am I going to afford these for the rest of my life (or until they cure type 1 diabetes) on a musician's/ministry salary?
For the next few months my parents are going to pay for my separate health insurance out of pocket, but soon I'll have to find a way to pay for it myself. I'm terrified. I don't know what I'm going to do. All of these "what ifs" are swirling around in my head. I'm not ready to be an adult. I want to move on but I am so scared to do it.

What if I fail?

The only thing that has kept me going is knowing that I serve a God who is good. God is faithful, always. God is constant and persistent. He will never leave me and He will never desert me. I am doomed to fail without Him...which means I cannot fail.


"I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."
-Psalm 121 NIV


"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have,
because God has said,
"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
So we say with confidence,
"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?""
-Hebrews 13:5-6 NIV


"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
-Matthew 6:33-34 NIV

Pray for me and pray that I take the passages above to heart.
God is good, all the time.

Concert/Reading List 2008 & Social Temptation

Concerts I got to see in 2008:
David Crowder Band
Winter Jam (Skillet, MercyMe, Barlow Girl, Mandisa, and Newsong)
Shane & Shane w/ Bethany Dillon and Starfield
Casting Crowns w/ Leeland and Ruth
Sanctus Real
Warped Tour '08 (Anberlin, Relient K, Family Force 5)
Relient K w/ Ludo
Judgement Day w/ Dredg (SOOOO AMAZING!!!)
Winter Wonder Slam (TobyMac, Family Force 5, Relient K)

Books I can remember reading in 2008:
Genesis-Esther (with ABR I read through the first 17 books of the Bible)
Jesus for President by Shane Claiborne & Chris Haw
Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell
Sex God by Rob Bell
Jesus Wants to Save the Christians by Rob Bell & Don Golden
The Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs
Disciplines of a Godly Woman by Barbara Hughes
The Shack by William P. Young
Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson
The Believer's Guide to Spiritual Warfare by Thomas B. White
God is the Gospel by John Piper
Postmodern Youth Ministry by Tony Jones
Wild at Heart by John Eldredge
And I re-read:
Captivating by Staci & John Eldredge
Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss


When I look at that list of books I'm kind of taken aback. I know I've never read that much in one year, and that stuff isn't all fluffy reading. That's exciting! The concerts were all great too, especially Anberlin and seeing Relient K 3 times! I love going to concerts to worship, dance, and just rock out. Most of these were especially great because I got to go with some of the youth group kids from Christ Church and FCEC. I loved being able to share my love for music with them.

God has been so constant in my life. Whether I "felt" on fire for Him or distant, He was always there with me. The world will always tell me that anything but God is the answer. He is not popular in most of my social circles, even those that include some "Christians." The temptation is to choose the easy joke, the gossip, the harmless sarcastic remark, the norm of the group.
But...
"People never crumble in a day. It's a slow fade..." - Slow Fade by Casting Crowns
I was reminded recently by a sermon I heard at the Allegheny Center Alliance Church why I must resist these temptations. When I said "yes" to God, I was changed. My old self died and I was reborn in Christ. That is a HUGE change. And those around me who have not gone through that change do not understand it in the least. It makes them uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable too. But my life does not revolve around my comfort, and I can't keep trying to figure out a way to make everyone else comfortable. I cannot serve both God and man.

"For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good."
-Titus 2:11-14 NIV

We live by the highest standards because we serve a higher power. We will fall short every time...but our God is constant, and He loves us even in our brokenness. I am blessed beyond my wildest hopes and dreams.
I pray that God will continue to help me grow and bring me closer to Him.

Wherever, whenever, whatever...it is all for God's glory.

"I just wanna be liked"

I think I'm about to hit a new brick wall. I have been home for 2 1/2 weeks and I have passed the point of going crazy. Most of my time has been spent sitting in bed with my laptop, compulsively checking my e-mail and facebook. The most I've done is lead the Saturday night service once, sing in the choir and see my laryngologist. My lack of social activity is probably my fault. I don't know why I think whining about it is going to make me feel better.
Every time I have come home I have felt farther and farther removed from the people I used to be so close with. I don't talk to anyone I graduated high school with and I've lost touch with so many others from my college tour of America. Honestly, nothing hurts me more than to feel ignored. When I reach out to renew a relationship and that gesture is not reciprocated I assume that I'm always the problem. I feel like I'm not worth reaching for, and that is a terribly depressing place to be.
I'm ready to move on with my life. Staying at home for this long just brings about anxiety attacks from staying around my family for too long and I'm tired of feeling depressed about my lack of meaningful relationships. I do have some and I cherish them, but most of them live outside the tri-state area. I love the kids from FCEC, but they all have friends their age around Pittsburgh to hang out with and they don't understand where I'm coming from. I'm going to graduate this spring, I've lived in 4 different states in the last 5 years, my family is falling apart, and in the next few months I have to figure out how to sustain myself through graduate school and beyond. Yeah...idk...

"One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I tried too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the joke's on me
So call me captain backfire.
I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me.
I'd rather be a mystery
Than he desert me."
-My Stupid Mouth by John Mayer

I'm here to find You

I love 90's/early 2000's worship music. I borrowed a whole cd case full of awesome worship music from Joel. I'm uplifted by groups like Ten Shekel Shirt, FFH, Insyderz, Delirious?, Sonicflood, and so on. Their music was simple but packed with penetrating messages. But worship teams today make the mistake of giving up on these gems because of their simplicity. If you play a song like "Meet With Me" as written without prayerfully considering the message then it's no wonder that it will sound boring. Some of the most powerful worship songs I have heard repeat the same line over and over again, but it never gets boring because the worship leader is in tune with the Holy Spirit. Without that relationship the repetitions of text will be meaningless. We should rediscover these classics and worship in a way that is authentic. Experiment with new harmonies, instrumentation, texture, timbre, volume, but be discerning when it comes to 'ornamenting' music used for worship. It's about the One being glorified by our gifts, not the gifts alone. If you can't articulate the message of the song then you probably shouldn't be leading worship with it.

"Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth."
-John 4:23-24 NIV

"As I wait, you make me strong
As I long, draw me to your arms
As I stand and sing your praise
You come, you come and you fill this place
Won't you come, Won't you come and fill this place"
-"Meet With Me" by Ten Shekel Shirt

Keep following, for unto us a son is given

I love Casting Crown's version of "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day." The arrangement is beautiful, the text emphasis is tight, and of course I love hearing violins mixed with rock music. The lyrics are so powerful for this time of year. We can so easily forget the meaning of this season.
For me it has been difficult to get into the "spirit" of the season when I don't feel it yet. I'm hanging out at home with little to do, fighting with my family, trying to find my place in the world. Following has been more difficult than I thought. I just finished a pretty spiritually flat-lined semester and I want to change that. I need Him now more than ever.
That's why I'm so thankful for this Christmas season, for the gift we can't find in a store or redeem with a gift card. Even when I fall away, this Savior will always be right there waiting for me. I can't think of a more beautiful picture than meeting my Lord, taking His hand, and continuing on our walk.
I know He has many meaningful relationships out there for me. I just have to keep walking. Keep following...


"Every warrior's boot used in battle
and every garment rolled in blood
will be destined for burning,
will be fuel for the fire.

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end.
He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom,
establishing and upholding it
with justice and righteousness
from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the LORD Almighty will accomplish this."
-Isaiah 9:5-7 NIV

Broken

Wow...I stink at keeping this updated. In general I haven't journaled or devoed very much this year. That's super sad. With ABR at Christ Church we've been reading through the Gospels and we are currently in the midst of John. Other than reading for that and the few and far between trip to Panera or Starbucks to chill with a book I have not read much else. I did finish Mere Christianity, which was wonderful. I'm now 2 chapters into Rob Bell's new book Jesus Wants To Save Christians.

I'm trying to figure out where to go next year and what I will do there. Where does God want me?

I'm working on new recital rep as well as our production of The Mikado, which opens in 2 weeks.

I'm taking the GRE in...2 weeks.

I'm trying to find a Christian community to be a part of. I've been going to this group in Greenville on Mondays called Engage with my friends Brian and Nate. It has been really wonderful way to get fed and visit for a bit with friends who care about the things I do.

I'm really missing Pittsburgh, my family, Joey (my dog), my old church, and mostly my old friends. I've lost touch with so many people since I left WVU. I know it's a two-way street, but it still hurts.

I'm struggling with spiritual attack at my internship. I love talking to the kids and program planning for events. My current issue is with the overload of sarcasm in my relationships with the staff. I've pointed it out over and over again but nothing changes. They say it's "just who they are." I don't buy it. If it hurts anyone's feelings (which it is) they should stop. Sarcasm literally means 'cutting of the flesh (thank you B-lils).' I cried for the first 20 minutes on the highway when I left because I was so frustrated and I felt so misunderstood and ignored.

I'm mourning the loss of my Grammy, Edith van Mook. She was my dad's mom and we had had a strained relationship for the last 8 years. I know she loved me and I got to tell her I loved her a few weeks before she died. No matter who it is or how things were, losing someone still hurts.


I feel so broken...lost...and a little bit alone.


"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"

-Coldplay 'Fix You'


"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.

Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him.
Let him bury his face in the dust—there may yet be hope.
Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace.

For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.
For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."

-Lamentations 3:19-33 NIV

It's time for true devotion

Well I am back in South Carolina. In less than 9 hours I will be moving back into my dorm room. In a way it is comforting to be in a somewhat familiar place for once. Again, this is my first time as a returning student, haha! I know where everything is, I know people, and I won't feel so out of place. Yet something isn't quite right.

The more I think about it the more I feel like this place isn't right for me. Let's face it, I am by no means a southern belle. They are pristine and polite. So in a way I am still trying to understand how I fit in to this place. I'm also still trying to figure out how to live like a woman of God...whatever that means. How do you find the middle ground between judgemental and free-spirited? Prude and hippie? Bull horn and daisy (that probably only made sense to me)?

I did all my summer reading and then some. It was eye-opening and wonderful but I feel like I should have taken more from it. I think a part of me wanted this past summer to be really amazing and life-changing, which for all I know it was, just not in the way I saw it. It seems like everyone I know got to be a part of this larger picture of the kingdom while I was doing laundry in Fox Chapel...one day a week...for minimum wage.

And in spite of the arguing and drama the most redeeming quality this summer had for me was my time at FCEC. I got to lead worship twice, co-lead a girls book study, plan an amazing goodbye party for Dudley, hang out with 3 year-olds at VBS, drink dozens of cups of caribou coffee, and go feet-first down a water slide...in a silk dress. I tear up just thinking about those kids. They are my passion. I would do anything to see them smile and hear them laugh. (ok, now I am crying thinking about them)

I did a lot of me-work this summer. And I pray that some of it spilled over into my work at FCEC. I'm learning to be more patient and better at expressing how I feel, especially concerning my male counterparts in ministry. Shutting down is not an effective display of communication. Instead of getting frustrated and assuming the worst I need to stop, pray, then talk it out. PRAY being the most important part. I want to spend more time in the word and less time sitting aimlessly at my computer (this doesn't count...in fact I want to blog more...especially with more devos as this was intended to be).

I can see myself in music ministry, leading worship in a church service as well as rocking out in a worship concert. That is still what drives me. I'm also beginning to feel drawn towards youth ministry. I love talking to kids about God and thinking of fun and creative ways to show them how to apply the word to their lives. Plus the little controller in me loves to organize! One night this summer after dinner we went back to the church at 10:30 because I really REALLY wanted to organize the former youth minister's office. We were there for almost 2 hours cleaning, sorting and organizing...and I was EXCITED! Haha!

Who knows...maybe this summer was just a stepping stone towards something higher...



"They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved."
-Acts 2:42-47 NIV