Thursday, February 5, 2009

Authentic

I really like Shawn McDonald's music. It's raw and real and beautiful. Pretty much anything that combines honest lyrics, well-played acoustic guitar and real strings is amazing to my ears.
Well...that or a band like Judgement Day who combines 3 of my favorite things: metal, strings, and epic music. :)

This weekend I'm leading an 8th grade ski trip (oooooh snap). We're talking to them about identity and who they appear to be versus who God created them to be. We all wear masks, some positive and most negative. Anywho, Scott and I have to be able to get up and talk about some of the masks we wear. Nothing better than spilling all of your insecurities and weaknesses out on the floor in front of 28 kids who barely know...

I realized tonight that I have grown so used to one of my masks that it fades into my own likeness. It's name is "shallow." I wear it a lot, around everyone, close friends and new people. It smiles and laughs at all times. It makes jokes and avoids deep conversation topics, because that would require it to come off. Now my own personality smiles, laughs, and makes jokes, but I love deep conversation and sharing with those I trust. So what's with shallow?

I was talking to a friend about life and relationships. We both feel like we don't fit any of the molds out there and agreed that it must mean that God has something really wonderful laid out for us. It's the following without getting distracted that can be difficult. But we talked about relationships, and immediately my shallow mask jumped on...but this time I noticed it. Why is it that the topics we need to talk about are the ones that make us put up our guard the fastest?

I think we make the mistake of carrying our past relationship blunders around with us. It's almost as if we have a separate resume of relationships and what happened and what went wrong and why it still haunts us. We're walking around with this list of flaws our previous loves have pointed out to us, and for whatever reason this keeps us from feeling worthy of anyone ever again. I know I felt like that for a very long time. After my last relationship blew up in my face, I walked around for almost a year feeling like damaged goods. You've seen those cans on the grocery store shelves...the ones with dents or discolored labels...who wants to buy a dented can of soup? Who wants to fall in love with a girl carrying so many wounds and insecurities?

The beautiful thing about this is that God loves us as we are and He knows how much more lovely we will be when we follow His will. He has not called the perfect and squeaky clean, but the lost sheep and sinners. He pours out His love on us without hesitation - the written code and all of our shortcomings are cancelled. He loves us as we are. That really gives me hope.


"When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross."
-Colossians 2:13-14 NIV

Those two verses changed my life about a year and a half ago. I am changed; I am free from my sins in the past. I am a new creation in Christ. I need to learn to recognize my masks and keep the negative ones, like shallow, far from my face.
I've adopted the attitude that if you're going to be anything, be authentic. Not shallow; Authentic.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Unexpected and Enticing

I found a new band that anyone who actually reads this blog should check out. They're called Article One. They're from London, Canada and have opened for Newsboys and Superchick. They have obvious influences from the Newsboys and MuteMath (one of the members of MuteMath produced their newest album), so the mixing is amazing. But my favorite thing about this band is the violin. You can actually hear him (Matt Piche) on every song, live and recorded, and he totally rocks out live. I just got back from seeing them play live in Butler, PA. I'm always inspired by artists who are trying to do something new. So check them out!

That being said...I really miss playing in a band. I have my violin with 3 effects pedals, a guitar, and now a mandolin, all of which I never get to use. It kills me on nights like this when I feel so inspired to create music but I have no avenue to do so. Watching the violinist in Article One made me want to pick up my violin and just start playing around. This part of me is just dying to get out. But Christ Church dissolved the youth band, Habbakuk will probably remain inactive, Brian and I can't seem to make our schedules mesh, and I'm an "opera singer" who listens to metal and alternative Christian music...where will an opportunity present itself? When?

I feel like I'm holding back a huge part of who I am while I wait to figure out what's next.

I'm so sick of waiting and being forced to squeeze into a mold that wasn't made for me. What if I'm not just a worship musician? An opera singer? A performer? A youth ministry assistant? Everyone wants me to pick, to define myself, to choose a peg hole to fit into. But in the process I'm losing chunks of myself...literally like forcing a square peg into a round hole. Sometimes I worry that I've already sacrificed so much of myself over the years that I'm no longer Louise. What if I'm just this conglomeration of other people's opinions and desires?

It's so hard to stand alone and try to be the unique mess God made you to be. I'm learning that not everything can be placed into a neat little box. The thing I really like about Article One's mixing is that it doesn't sound precise or even. The sound and effects have this give and take that makes the music sound a little gritty yet smooth. Your ear is always hearing something unexpected.

...I guess that's what I want my life to look like. A little unexpected and gritty, but smooth and enticing all in one. That's the whole idea of being the salt and light of the world...my life verses.


"You are the salt of the earth, but if that salt loses it's saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. You are the light of the world..."
-Matthew 5:13-14 NIV


I'm a follower of Jesus, the ultimate mold-breaker.

Monday, January 5, 2009

He will not let your foot slip

Growing up sucks. I'm 23 and on the verge of stepping out of the undergraduate bubble I have been in for the past 5 years. I have to rely less on my parents and more on myself. I am blessed to have a family that has been able to provide for me along the way while also encouraging me to me self sufficient. There is no way I could have attended college without them and I am not ashamed of that level of dependency. But things are changing...and I got a huge reality check today.

My dad informed me on my 23rd birthday that I was no longer covered under the family's health insurance plan (yeah I know, happy birthday to me). That might not be such a big deal if I did not have a chronic illness that requires 6 prescriptions every month. For the last 6 years as a diabetic my co-pays for prescriptions have been very low. But today when I went to pick up 2 of them I had to pay the full price. I had to go outside, sit in my car and cry for about 10 minutes on the phone with my mom.

Let me explain why I freaked out. For these 2 particular prescriptions with my old insurance copay, I would have paid $10 total. Today I had to pay $145. That was for the 2 "cheapest" prescriptions I pick up once a month. Hence why I had to step outside. How am I going to afford these for the rest of my life (or until they cure type 1 diabetes) on a musician's/ministry salary?
For the next few months my parents are going to pay for my separate health insurance out of pocket, but soon I'll have to find a way to pay for it myself. I'm terrified. I don't know what I'm going to do. All of these "what ifs" are swirling around in my head. I'm not ready to be an adult. I want to move on but I am so scared to do it.

What if I fail?

The only thing that has kept me going is knowing that I serve a God who is good. God is faithful, always. God is constant and persistent. He will never leave me and He will never desert me. I am doomed to fail without Him...which means I cannot fail.


"I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."

-Psalm 121 NIV


"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have,
because God has said,
"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
So we say with confidence,
"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?""
-Hebrews 13:5-6 NIV


"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
-Matthew 6:33-34 NIV

Pray for me and pray that I take the passages above to heart.
God is good, all the time.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Concert/Reading List 2008 & Social Temptation

Concerts I got to see in 2008:
David Crowder Band
Winter Jam (Skillet, MercyMe, Barlow Girl, Mandisa, and Newsong)
Shane & Shane w/ Bethany Dillon and Starfield
Casting Crowns w/ Leeland and Ruth
Sanctus Real
Warped Tour '08 (Anberlin, Relient K, Family Force 5)
Relient K w/ Ludo
Judgement Day w/ Dredg (SOOOO AMAZING!!!)
Winter Wonder Slam (TobyMac, Family Force 5, Relient K)

Books I can remember reading in 2008:
Genesis-Esther (with ABR I read through the first 17 books of the Bible)
Jesus for President by Shane Claiborne & Chris Haw
Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell
Sex God by Rob Bell
Jesus Wants to Save the Christians by Rob Bell & Don Golden
The Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs
Disciplines of a Godly Woman by Barbara Hughes
The Shack by William P. Young
Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson
The Believer's Guide to Spiritual Warfare by Thomas B. White
God is the Gospel by John Piper
Postmodern Youth Ministry by Tony Jones
Wild at Heart by John Eldredge
And I re-read:
Captivating by Staci & John Eldredge
Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss


When I look at that list of books I'm kind of taken aback. I know I've never read that much in one year, and that stuff isn't all fluffy reading. That's exciting! The concerts were all great too, especially Anberlin and seeing Relient K 3 times! I love going to concerts to worship, dance, and just rock out. Most of these were especially great because I got to go with some of the youth group kids from Christ Church and FCEC. I loved being able to share my love for music with them.

God has been so constant in my life. Whether I "felt" on fire for Him or distant, He was always there with me. The world will always tell me that anything but God is the answer. He is not popular in most of my social circles, even those that include some "Christians." The temptation is to choose the easy joke, the gossip, the harmless sarcastic remark, the norm of the group.
But...
"People never crumble in a day. It's a slow fade..." - Slow Fade by Casting Crowns
I was reminded recently by a sermon I heard at the Allegheny Center Alliance Church why I must resist these temptations. When I said "yes" to God, I was changed. My old self died and I was reborn in Christ. That is a HUGE change. And those around me who have not gone through that change do not understand it in the least. It makes them uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable too. But my life does not revolve around my comfort, and I can't keep trying to figure out a way to make everyone else comfortable. I cannot serve both God and man.

"For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good."
-Titus 2:11-14 NIV

We live by the highest standards because we serve a higher power. We will fall short every time...but our God is constant, and He loves us even in our brokenness. I am blessed beyond my wildest hopes and dreams.
I pray that God will continue to help me grow and bring me closer to Him.

Wherever, whenever, whatever...it is all for God's glory.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

"I just wanna be liked"

I think I'm about to hit a new brick wall. I have been home for 2 1/2 weeks and I have passed the point of going crazy. Most of my time has been spent sitting in bed with my laptop, compulsively checking my e-mail and facebook. The most I've done is lead the Saturday night service once, sing in the choir and see my laryngologist. My lack of social activity is probably my fault. I don't know why I think whining about it is going to make me feel better.
Every time I have come home I have felt farther and farther removed from the people I used to be so close with. I don't talk to anyone I graduated high school with and I've lost touch with so many others from my college tour of America. Honestly, nothing hurts me more than to feel ignored. When I reach out to renew a relationship and that gesture is not reciprocated I assume that I'm always the problem. I feel like I'm not worth reaching for, and that is a terribly depressing place to be.
I'm ready to move on with my life. Staying at home for this long just brings about anxiety attacks from staying around my family for too long and I'm tired of feeling depressed about my lack of meaningful relationships. I do have some and I cherish them, but most of them live outside the tri-state area. I love the kids from FCEC, but they all have friends their age around Pittsburgh to hang out with and they don't understand where I'm coming from. I'm going to graduate this spring, I've lived in 4 different states in the last 5 years, my family is falling apart, and in the next few months I have to figure out how to sustain myself through graduate school and beyond. Yeah...idk...

"One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I tried too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the joke's on me
So call me captain backfire.
I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me.
I'd rather be a mystery
Than he desert me."
-My Stupid Mouth by John Mayer

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I'm here to find You

I love 90's/early 2000's worship music. I borrowed a whole cd case full of awesome worship music from Joel. I'm uplifted by groups like Ten Shekel Shirt, FFH, Insyderz, Delirious?, Sonicflood, and so on. Their music was simple but packed with penetrating messages. But worship teams today make the mistake of giving up on these gems because of their simplicity. If you play a song like "Meet With Me" as written without prayerfully considering the message then it's no wonder that it will sound boring. Some of the most powerful worship songs I have heard repeat the same line over and over again, but it never gets boring because the worship leader is in tune with the Holy Spirit. Without that relationship the repetitions of text will be meaningless. We should rediscover these classics and worship in a way that is authentic. Experiment with new harmonies, instrumentation, texture, timbre, volume, but be discerning when it comes to 'ornamenting' music used for worship. It's about the One being glorified by our gifts, not the gifts alone. If you can't articulate the message of the song then you probably shouldn't be leading worship with it.

"Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth."
-John 4:23-24 NIV

"As I wait, you make me strong
As I long, draw me to your arms
As I stand and sing your praise
You come, you come and you fill this place
Won't you come, Won't you come and fill this place"
-"Meet With Me" by Ten Shekel Shirt

Friday, December 19, 2008

Keep following, for unto us a son is given

I love Casting Crown's version of "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day." The arrangement is beautiful, the text emphasis is tight, and of course I love hearing violins mixed with rock music. The lyrics are so powerful for this time of year. We can so easily forget the meaning of this season.
For me it has been difficult to get into the "spirit" of the season when I don't feel it yet. I'm hanging out at home with little to do, fighting with my family, trying to find my place in the world. Following has been more difficult than I thought. I just finished a pretty spiritually flat-lined semester and I want to change that. I need Him now more than ever.
That's why I'm so thankful for this Christmas season, for the gift we can't find in a store or redeem with a gift card. Even when I fall away, this Savior will always be right there waiting for me. I can't think of a more beautiful picture than meeting my Lord, taking His hand, and continuing on our walk.
I know He has many meaningful relationships out there for me. I just have to keep walking. Keep following...


"Every warrior's boot used in battle
and every garment rolled in blood
will be destined for burning,
will be fuel for the fire.

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end.
He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom,
establishing and upholding it
with justice and righteousness
from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the LORD Almighty will accomplish this."
-Isaiah 9:5-7 NIV