We all break the same

My life has been quite scattered in the past few weeks. I keep describing the way I've felt like this:
It's like getting hit by a bus in a dream. It hits in an instant, your body goes numb, then you wake up screaming with your heart racing. Everything around you is in the same place it was when you closed your eyes, but at the same time everything is different.

Spiritual warfare has been an ever present 'thorn in my side.' I fight off new strategies nearly every day. If I had to give Satan a compliment, it would be that he certainly is persistent. Now I know that many of the things happening in my life right now are tests from God, meant to grow my faith. Yet I recognize the negative comments swirling around in my head to be the voice of evil. Sometimes its one thought, then other times it is a white-out of hateful rantings towards me.
This happens when I'm alone but more so when I am with others, especially other Christians. In one particular instance a few weeks ago I was in music team practice. Someone made a loaded comment that made me feel self-conscious about my voice. Within a few minutes the lies were deafening in my ears and I completely shut down. That has been my defense lately - instead of saying something I will regret I just keep quiet. But instead of regrouping and processing those suppressed emotions, I bottle them and pretend they aren't there.
Anyone who knows me well knows that I have the potential to be very LOUD...when I go silent they know something is wrong.

My answers are always in God's word. This particular verse from John's gospel caught me off guard. It is from Jesus's prayer for his disciples just before he is handed over to be crucified;

"I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one."
- John 17:14-15 [italics added] NIV


I'm here for a purpose; to bring glory to God. And I am trying, but it is by no means easy. Why should it be? I am a sinner made righteous by God through the blood of Jesus Christ.

Two weekends ago while I was on my way home to attend the funeral of my grandpa, I was told by a good friend that God allows us to feel grief so that we might have some small perspective of how He felt when He allowed His son to die in such a horrific manner.

I end this post with some sweet lyrics by the band Mute Math and an honest statement:
I feel so broken that at times I feel numb. Numb to the pain, to emotion, to almost everything that brings me joy. But I'm fighting...for my heart, for my voice...and I know God is doing the same for me. God is faithful...He is always faithful.


The crowds roll by
and i'm falling in
everyone's invincible
but its just pretend

and we all freaked out
what a shame
when only tears
know how
to remind us we all break the same

we all break the same
and we all break the same

and everything we've built
could be our demise
it's the sticks and stones
that wear us down
that often save our lives

the different stars tonight
will somehow fade the same
and all the tears we cry
tell us we're made the same
and when we fall aside
let's hope we fall in place
we built our different lives
but they all break the same

- Mute Math (Break the Same)



Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.
For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.
- Psalm 116:7-9
William David Pontious (September 24, 1927- February 28, 2008)