Lead me On

"From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked."
-Luke 12:48b NIV


God is making me into a leader...and it's freaking me out. My most recent trip home to FCEC proved that to me, followed by a few more encounters in Greenville. This wasn't subtle like last January when, while driving back to Morgantown after leading worship at FCEC, God called me to pursue music ministry. The past week and a half has been a punch in the face from the Holy Spirit, telling me to wake up. I fell asleep by the end of January and I needed a wake up call. Wednesday night was the final blow....

I left Spartanburg around 5:40 for Greenville, a 30 minute drive from campus. I was supposed to meet a friend at Coffee Underground to just hang out and possibly work on music. By the time I got there and found a parking space, it was 6:20...40 minutes before senior high EYC started. My friend was no where to be found. Apparently we had a slight miscommunication in who was going to be where and when.
Sooooo I'm only human and to be honest I was pissed. I've been dying to write lyrics and music for months now, and so far we haven't done anything together. And even though I knew the no-show wasn't intentional, I bitterly walked back to my car and drove over to the church. My anger was still brewing inside, so I called a friend to have a quick chat before I went in to practice the worship set. I took a breath, pulled myself together, and walked in.

Within seconds of walking in to the room where my friends were practicing I knew I was still upset. And I couldn't hide it. There was no way I would be able to practice without dealing with what was going on first. So I did the level-headed thing...I picked up my Bible and walked out of the room while they continued to run through a song. I found a quiet room not too far away and opened up to the Gospels. I flipped through the underlined passages, looking for an answer. Why was I so angry about something so stupid? And why did I try to put on a happy face with my friends instead of talking about it? ....do I do that often?
I ended up focusing on two scriptures. The first was the story of Gethsemane in Matthew's Gospel. My first wake up call came from verse 41;

""Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body in weak.""

Jesus is speaking to his disciples in the moments before Judas betrays him. He has asked them to do one simple thing - keep watch while he goes off to pray. When Jesus returns, he finds them all asleep. How would you feel if you were one of the disciples who had fallen asleep? Ashamed? Frustrated with your own weakness? Unworthy? That is exactly how I felt when I read that story. I put my head in my hands and began to pray with a passion I had not felt in a long while. I was so involved in my conversation with God that I did not hear my friend knock and try to say hello to me.
I was just like the disciples on that night. I was reading and praying every day, teaching the kids at my church at home what it looks like to be a Christian (without the 'stained glass masquerade), and really walking with God on such an intimiate level. Then I fell asleep for a short while. Tears streamed down my face as I asked God to help me wake up from the nap I had fallen in to.
The second scripture I turned to was the one I listed above from Luke 12. Yet another blow to my heart. I was running from the growing pains. I felt like God was entrusting me with more than I could handle. And instead of praying and reading more, I was trying to throw my hands up in the air and give up. I sincerely felt like Moses before the exodus from Egypt.

"Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say."
But Moses said, "O Lord, please send someone else to do it."
-Exodus 4:12-13 NIV

Now I am in no way comparing myself to Moses, one of the greatest leaders in Jewish history. But I can certainly sympathize with the man. God is calling me to be more than who I am right now, and He had to wake me up from a nap to tell me that (sadly it isn't even the first time I have been aware of this plan). I'm going to be a musician and work with kids. That's where my passion lies. And I love that the kids come to me to talk about their faith and what's going on. They come to me because I am not afraid to be honest about my own life. I'm slowly dealing with everything I have been through in my life, and that makes me relateable. I've been where they are and now I understand what God was trying to teach me from those experiences. That's what they want and need to hear....someone who has been in the pits and come out of it by the grace of God.

Worship that night was the best it had been in a long time. God spoke to my heart, broke my barriers down and made me vulnerable before Him and the small group of friends present. I felt a call to just let go and lead as He tells me to lead. Quit worrying and don't be scared, because as Matthew 10:31 says, "you are worth more than many sparrows." God will take care of me no matter where my life takes me.

"Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."
-Ephesians 5:14b NIV

In closing, vulnerability is diffcult. And my fear is that so few church leaders are willing to go there. That sends a very disturbing message to our youth - 'suck it up and take it somewhere else.'
It's terribly sad to think that I have to hide my heart in God's house. How do we begin to heal our brokenness if we can't open up and lay it down at the Lord's feet? Most of my struggle with faith has been a direct result from shoving all of my deepest, darkest issues so far down that I couldn't see them. But as we all know, just because you can't see something doesn't mean that it's not there. I could feel my issues like a splinter pushed deep inside my skin, and pain like that can only be ignored for so long. Eventually the splinter has to come out...when we choose to allow that to happen determines how much and how long it will hurt.

What is wrong with us?

Here is a fact that some of you know but don't want to admit: you are screwed up.

We are all so messed up. Honestly, look at us. We lie to each other, we hurt each other over and over again, we say horrible things, we don't put others above ourselves, much less God. And why?
Why do I use sarcasm to hide what I really feel about someone? What gives me the right to say hurtful things to someone just because he hurt me? Why do I always say "good" when someone asks me how I am doing, even if I feel awful?

Fear.

I am so terrified to be myself. I don't want to let people in because I have been hurt in the past. That's the risk I take in getting to know people. I want to know them and I want them to know me...but they were probably just as scared as I was. We are scared to appear vulnerable to others that we guard ourselves with callous remarks and sarcasm. We don't want to have our hearts ripped to shreds again.
And everyone of us has had our heart broken in some way, so we are all equally screwed up. But when I am the victim, I forget that the person who hurt me is probably just as hurt as I am. And when I feel threatened I don't take the time to remember that.
Ephesians 4 provides a great model for how we should treat each other, especially in regard to conflict.

'Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.'
-Ephesians 4:25-32 NIV [italics added]

I am always struck by verses 26-27 that tell us not to sin even though we are angry. Our anger allows Satan to get a leg up on us and make us slaves to our emotions. Anger is so destructive to my spiritual life. How many nights have you spent lying in bed, frustrated with someone? I've wasted so much time stewing over frustrations. And verse 27 tells us to do something about our conflicts. Jesus says in Matthew 5:23-24 that even if we are offering a gift to the altar, if we have wronged someone we must make it right above all else. That is how important settling a conflict is; it takes precedence above everything else going on. But if meeting with the person isn't possible, the verse in Ephesians is telling us not to go to bed angry. Present your frustrations with this person to God. Pray for them and forgive them. Seriously! Then, and this is the hard part, let it go. LET IT GO! Trust that it is in God's hands and you don't need to keep stewing over it in your head. As I said earlier, I have wasted so much time replaying my anger in my head.
It is hard for me to write this because I am admitting openly that I am not perfect. Although, who is? I try to act like I have it all together because everyone else does it too. The truth is that we are all broken, messed up people.
The sooner you admit it and submit that piece of yourself to God, the sooner you allow Him to heal you.


'Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.'
-Ephesians 4:14-16