Broken

Wow...I stink at keeping this updated. In general I haven't journaled or devoed very much this year. That's super sad. With ABR at Christ Church we've been reading through the Gospels and we are currently in the midst of John. Other than reading for that and the few and far between trip to Panera or Starbucks to chill with a book I have not read much else. I did finish Mere Christianity, which was wonderful. I'm now 2 chapters into Rob Bell's new book Jesus Wants To Save Christians.

I'm trying to figure out where to go next year and what I will do there. Where does God want me?

I'm working on new recital rep as well as our production of The Mikado, which opens in 2 weeks.

I'm taking the GRE in...2 weeks.

I'm trying to find a Christian community to be a part of. I've been going to this group in Greenville on Mondays called Engage with my friends Brian and Nate. It has been really wonderful way to get fed and visit for a bit with friends who care about the things I do.

I'm really missing Pittsburgh, my family, Joey (my dog), my old church, and mostly my old friends. I've lost touch with so many people since I left WVU. I know it's a two-way street, but it still hurts.

I'm struggling with spiritual attack at my internship. I love talking to the kids and program planning for events. My current issue is with the overload of sarcasm in my relationships with the staff. I've pointed it out over and over again but nothing changes. They say it's "just who they are." I don't buy it. If it hurts anyone's feelings (which it is) they should stop. Sarcasm literally means 'cutting of the flesh (thank you B-lils).' I cried for the first 20 minutes on the highway when I left because I was so frustrated and I felt so misunderstood and ignored.

I'm mourning the loss of my Grammy, Edith van Mook. She was my dad's mom and we had had a strained relationship for the last 8 years. I know she loved me and I got to tell her I loved her a few weeks before she died. No matter who it is or how things were, losing someone still hurts.


I feel so broken...lost...and a little bit alone.


"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"

-Coldplay 'Fix You'


"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.

Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him.
Let him bury his face in the dust—there may yet be hope.
Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace.

For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.
For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."

-Lamentations 3:19-33 NIV