"I just wanna be liked"

I think I'm about to hit a new brick wall. I have been home for 2 1/2 weeks and I have passed the point of going crazy. Most of my time has been spent sitting in bed with my laptop, compulsively checking my e-mail and facebook. The most I've done is lead the Saturday night service once, sing in the choir and see my laryngologist. My lack of social activity is probably my fault. I don't know why I think whining about it is going to make me feel better.
Every time I have come home I have felt farther and farther removed from the people I used to be so close with. I don't talk to anyone I graduated high school with and I've lost touch with so many others from my college tour of America. Honestly, nothing hurts me more than to feel ignored. When I reach out to renew a relationship and that gesture is not reciprocated I assume that I'm always the problem. I feel like I'm not worth reaching for, and that is a terribly depressing place to be.
I'm ready to move on with my life. Staying at home for this long just brings about anxiety attacks from staying around my family for too long and I'm tired of feeling depressed about my lack of meaningful relationships. I do have some and I cherish them, but most of them live outside the tri-state area. I love the kids from FCEC, but they all have friends their age around Pittsburgh to hang out with and they don't understand where I'm coming from. I'm going to graduate this spring, I've lived in 4 different states in the last 5 years, my family is falling apart, and in the next few months I have to figure out how to sustain myself through graduate school and beyond. Yeah...idk...

"One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I tried too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the joke's on me
So call me captain backfire.
I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me.
I'd rather be a mystery
Than he desert me."
-My Stupid Mouth by John Mayer

I'm here to find You

I love 90's/early 2000's worship music. I borrowed a whole cd case full of awesome worship music from Joel. I'm uplifted by groups like Ten Shekel Shirt, FFH, Insyderz, Delirious?, Sonicflood, and so on. Their music was simple but packed with penetrating messages. But worship teams today make the mistake of giving up on these gems because of their simplicity. If you play a song like "Meet With Me" as written without prayerfully considering the message then it's no wonder that it will sound boring. Some of the most powerful worship songs I have heard repeat the same line over and over again, but it never gets boring because the worship leader is in tune with the Holy Spirit. Without that relationship the repetitions of text will be meaningless. We should rediscover these classics and worship in a way that is authentic. Experiment with new harmonies, instrumentation, texture, timbre, volume, but be discerning when it comes to 'ornamenting' music used for worship. It's about the One being glorified by our gifts, not the gifts alone. If you can't articulate the message of the song then you probably shouldn't be leading worship with it.

"Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth."
-John 4:23-24 NIV

"As I wait, you make me strong
As I long, draw me to your arms
As I stand and sing your praise
You come, you come and you fill this place
Won't you come, Won't you come and fill this place"
-"Meet With Me" by Ten Shekel Shirt

Keep following, for unto us a son is given

I love Casting Crown's version of "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day." The arrangement is beautiful, the text emphasis is tight, and of course I love hearing violins mixed with rock music. The lyrics are so powerful for this time of year. We can so easily forget the meaning of this season.
For me it has been difficult to get into the "spirit" of the season when I don't feel it yet. I'm hanging out at home with little to do, fighting with my family, trying to find my place in the world. Following has been more difficult than I thought. I just finished a pretty spiritually flat-lined semester and I want to change that. I need Him now more than ever.
That's why I'm so thankful for this Christmas season, for the gift we can't find in a store or redeem with a gift card. Even when I fall away, this Savior will always be right there waiting for me. I can't think of a more beautiful picture than meeting my Lord, taking His hand, and continuing on our walk.
I know He has many meaningful relationships out there for me. I just have to keep walking. Keep following...


"Every warrior's boot used in battle
and every garment rolled in blood
will be destined for burning,
will be fuel for the fire.

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end.
He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom,
establishing and upholding it
with justice and righteousness
from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the LORD Almighty will accomplish this."
-Isaiah 9:5-7 NIV

Broken

Wow...I stink at keeping this updated. In general I haven't journaled or devoed very much this year. That's super sad. With ABR at Christ Church we've been reading through the Gospels and we are currently in the midst of John. Other than reading for that and the few and far between trip to Panera or Starbucks to chill with a book I have not read much else. I did finish Mere Christianity, which was wonderful. I'm now 2 chapters into Rob Bell's new book Jesus Wants To Save Christians.

I'm trying to figure out where to go next year and what I will do there. Where does God want me?

I'm working on new recital rep as well as our production of The Mikado, which opens in 2 weeks.

I'm taking the GRE in...2 weeks.

I'm trying to find a Christian community to be a part of. I've been going to this group in Greenville on Mondays called Engage with my friends Brian and Nate. It has been really wonderful way to get fed and visit for a bit with friends who care about the things I do.

I'm really missing Pittsburgh, my family, Joey (my dog), my old church, and mostly my old friends. I've lost touch with so many people since I left WVU. I know it's a two-way street, but it still hurts.

I'm struggling with spiritual attack at my internship. I love talking to the kids and program planning for events. My current issue is with the overload of sarcasm in my relationships with the staff. I've pointed it out over and over again but nothing changes. They say it's "just who they are." I don't buy it. If it hurts anyone's feelings (which it is) they should stop. Sarcasm literally means 'cutting of the flesh (thank you B-lils).' I cried for the first 20 minutes on the highway when I left because I was so frustrated and I felt so misunderstood and ignored.

I'm mourning the loss of my Grammy, Edith van Mook. She was my dad's mom and we had had a strained relationship for the last 8 years. I know she loved me and I got to tell her I loved her a few weeks before she died. No matter who it is or how things were, losing someone still hurts.


I feel so broken...lost...and a little bit alone.


"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"

-Coldplay 'Fix You'


"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.

Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him.
Let him bury his face in the dust—there may yet be hope.
Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace.

For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.
For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."

-Lamentations 3:19-33 NIV

It's time for true devotion

Well I am back in South Carolina. In less than 9 hours I will be moving back into my dorm room. In a way it is comforting to be in a somewhat familiar place for once. Again, this is my first time as a returning student, haha! I know where everything is, I know people, and I won't feel so out of place. Yet something isn't quite right.

The more I think about it the more I feel like this place isn't right for me. Let's face it, I am by no means a southern belle. They are pristine and polite. So in a way I am still trying to understand how I fit in to this place. I'm also still trying to figure out how to live like a woman of God...whatever that means. How do you find the middle ground between judgemental and free-spirited? Prude and hippie? Bull horn and daisy (that probably only made sense to me)?

I did all my summer reading and then some. It was eye-opening and wonderful but I feel like I should have taken more from it. I think a part of me wanted this past summer to be really amazing and life-changing, which for all I know it was, just not in the way I saw it. It seems like everyone I know got to be a part of this larger picture of the kingdom while I was doing laundry in Fox Chapel...one day a week...for minimum wage.

And in spite of the arguing and drama the most redeeming quality this summer had for me was my time at FCEC. I got to lead worship twice, co-lead a girls book study, plan an amazing goodbye party for Dudley, hang out with 3 year-olds at VBS, drink dozens of cups of caribou coffee, and go feet-first down a water slide...in a silk dress. I tear up just thinking about those kids. They are my passion. I would do anything to see them smile and hear them laugh. (ok, now I am crying thinking about them)

I did a lot of me-work this summer. And I pray that some of it spilled over into my work at FCEC. I'm learning to be more patient and better at expressing how I feel, especially concerning my male counterparts in ministry. Shutting down is not an effective display of communication. Instead of getting frustrated and assuming the worst I need to stop, pray, then talk it out. PRAY being the most important part. I want to spend more time in the word and less time sitting aimlessly at my computer (this doesn't count...in fact I want to blog more...especially with more devos as this was intended to be).

I can see myself in music ministry, leading worship in a church service as well as rocking out in a worship concert. That is still what drives me. I'm also beginning to feel drawn towards youth ministry. I love talking to kids about God and thinking of fun and creative ways to show them how to apply the word to their lives. Plus the little controller in me loves to organize! One night this summer after dinner we went back to the church at 10:30 because I really REALLY wanted to organize the former youth minister's office. We were there for almost 2 hours cleaning, sorting and organizing...and I was EXCITED! Haha!

Who knows...maybe this summer was just a stepping stone towards something higher...



"They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved."
-Acts 2:42-47 NIV

Let nothing move you.

The question that keeps coming to mind when I think about the way this summer has been going for me is:

What am I going to do with my life and how are my choices today affecting it?

I'm headed into my 5th and final year of my undergraduate studies in vocal performance (I know, crazy right?!). This will also be my first year as a "returning student" which means I have to move myself in...no orientation staff to carry everything in for me. Haha! It will be interesting to see what happens in terms of fellowship when I'm surrounded by the same set of people for more than a year. I'm over the whole 'chick school' thing. I want more than surface level connections with these girls. Surface relationships don't last...hence the last 4 years and the few friendships that have lasted along the way. I cherish the lasting ones so much.

So will it be music minister, opera singer, rock star, or a fusion of all 3? I know that ultimately I shouldn't worry about tomorrow...I get it...mist...thanks James! But looking at all the things I love to do, I wonder how they are going to come together. If I could do anything I wanted and start it right now, I would probably form a band of Jesus-loving rock musicians and go write and record music and play sweet gigs at little places like Mr. Smalls in Millvale, PA (def one of the coolest concert venues I've ever been to).

Instead I'm at home reading, playing with my dog, watching tv, attempting to repair the broken youth group at my church, or trying to find places to practice my recital rep. Basically I feel like I'm not doing anything meaningful with my life this summer. Along with the aforementioned stuff, I work one night a week at a local restaurant doing laundry. It's very exciting. I convinced myself that I couldn't do anything else in terms of work because of my trips to Spartanburg, SC. Looking back I probably could have found something with more hours. What can I say? I am queen of the procrasti-nation.

So far this summer I have finished reading:
Disciplines of a Godly Woman by Barbara Hughes
A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson (honestly, I got bored and skimmed through)
Jesus for President by Shane Claiborne
The Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs
Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell
Sex God by Rob Bell

Obviously there's a theme here. I've been focusing on "Christian" books because I wanted to explore what years of youth group never taught me. Rob Bell's books have been the most intriguing for me. It's easy for me to follow his train of thought and his work made me want to go out and read more. He makes me want to study church history and keep asking questions. I got burned out pretty quickly from all the Episcopal Church drama and trying to pick up the pieces of the youth group at FCEC, and Bell's books have addressed some of my issues with the church. Basically I know I'm not alone.

I just don't want to look back on these years and think, "I could have done so much more. I wish I had just trusted God more and gone for it." How much would that suck?

I want to go deeper.
I want to be challenged.
I want to be LOUD.
I want to question and learn and be broken down and rebuilt.
I want to love the way Jesus does.


"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."
- 1 Corinthians 15:58 NIV

What is your life? You are a mist...

Well it's the end of May and I've been home for a little over a week. I made it through the most difficult semester of my life and I just discovered that I didn't fail any classes (YAY...although I came close in piano). Most of the stuff from my dorm room is still sitting in the foyer of my house. I think I feel weird only because I haven't gotten into a routine yet. I've done a little unpacking and a lot of sitting around. My passion for reading has fizzled since I've been home, which I kind of expected. That needs to be remedied before I say I'll put up devos more frequently.

So here are my plans for the summer (God willing):

1. Read A LOT!
On my list for the summer are Shane Claiborne's new book "Jesus for President" and A. J. Jacob's "The Year of Living Biblically." I have some ABR (Amazing Bible Race) reading to catch up on. I've read from Genesis to Nehemiah, but I need to go back to pick up 2 Kings and 1 & 2 Chronicles. I'm also still in the midst of Barbara Hughes' "Disciplines of a Godly Woman" and Marianne Williamson's "A Return to Love." I'm sure a few more will make the list as the months roll by.
2. Voice Lessons
I'm travelling back to Spartanburg, SC 3 times before the school year starts in late August to take voice lessons for a few days at a time. My junior recital is on Sept. 12 so I need to be as prepared as I can. I love all of my music and I can't wait to perform it for everyone! So therefore this summer I will be doing a lot of...
3. Practicing!
My music is sweet but it's difficult. We've completely 180'd my technique over the last few months so I'm working a lot harder at being consistent with my breath support. It's so much better, but it's a lot of work! I'm hoping to be in a practice room at least every other day for a few hours.
4. Help out at FCEC.
My youth group is so broken up here. With our Rector leaving at the end of June, consistent budget cuts, low attendance, and the whole national church crisis, it's no wonder the youth feel left out. I'm getting a girls group together to do a book study and just hang out together since the boys have taken over the youth group. Any suggestions for a book? This is a great group of kids and I just pray that God will continue to work in them and make them stronger through this storm.
5. Get a job.
I think I'll be working at the Hartwood Restaurant, doing anything from front of the house to laundry. It'll give me something to do and make my dad happy.

Other than that things are pretty up in the air. Again, I try not to plan out too far ahead because as I have been shown time and time again God thinks my plans are funny. He likes to change them. I'll see at the end of the summer how this list turns out. I just want to grow in character and continue to be passionate about following the Lord. Anything else that comes along is just bonus!


"Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."
James 4:13-15 NIV

Does anyone still wear a hat?

Hey kids! I stink at keeping this updated...school is eating my life. It's hard for me to find the time to sit here and type up all the devos I feel pulling at me to write. Once the semester starts to wind down I will be able to do this more.
I wanted to post this (thanks Stu!) because it brought back so many memories of when I did musical theatre. It also made me aware of how cool it is to be an opera chick! I love performing so much!



THEATRE SURVEY
LAST SHOW ADDED TO YOUR RESUME:
Scenes from The Ballad of Baby Doe (Augusta) and Giulio Cesare (Cornelia)

LAST SHOW YOU AUDITIONED FOR:
Opera scenes (the ones listed above!)

LAST SONG YOU USED AT AN AUDITION:
It might have been Lullaby from The Consul

WHAT WAS YOUR VERY FIRST SHOW:
Mary Poppins in second grade...I was a penguin, a bank teller, and a mouse in this crazy dream sequence we added

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DANCE SOLO?
Umm...probably not...

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A SINGING SOLO?
Yes :O

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THE LAST PERSON TO TAKE A BOW?
No

HAVE YOU BEEN TO NEW YORK?
Mmm hmm! It's been a while though...

HAVE YOU BEEN TO LA?
No

HAVE YOU BEEN TO LONDON?
Twice, I saw Starlight Express there in 8th grade...it was ridiculous...musicals were not meant to be put on skates

WHAT'S THE SCARIEST PART OF AN AUDITION?
Not delivering the kind of performance I know I'm capable of

WHAT'S THE BEST PART OF AN AUDITION?
The rare glimpse of a judge/director smiling

NAME A SHOW YOU WOULD NEVER DO AGAIN:
Bye Bye Birdie

NAME A SHOW YOU COULD DO FOR YEARS:
Into the Woods - I've never been in it but I know I could play the Witch for years

WHAT ARE YOU AUDITIONING FOR NEXT?
The Mikado and fall opera scenes

DO YOU KEEP IN TOUCH WITH PAST CAST MEMBERS?
I rarely hear from any Act Oners, but I still talk to some theatre govies

ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW IMPORTANT IS GETTING PAID?
Well I've never been paid for a role, so its not important yet...but it will be

SOMETHING EMBARRASSING OR UNEXPECTED THAT HAPPENED TO YOU WHILE ON STAGE?
I learned how to ride a bike for the role of the Wicked Witch/Miss Gultch in The Wizard of Oz (that's right, I learned how to ride a bike when I was 18) and my rides were maybe 60% accurate for the 6 shows we did...that and I almost lit my dress on fire with this pyro effect thing I had in my hand for a scene...

EVER BEEN NAKED ON STAGE?
Eww....no!

BEEN KILLED?
Yes!! In The Wizard of Oz as the Wicked Witch...I milked that scene for all it was worth!!

PLAYED DRUNK ON STAGE?
I sang 'The Ladies Who Lunch' from Company in a studio recital last year and I used a martini glass as a prop...that was soooooooo much fun!! "Does anyone still wear a hat? I'll drink to that!"

PLAYED SOMEONE HALF YOUR AGE?
At PGSA '03 in The America Clock I played Doris as three different ages...let me tell you that I do NOT make a convincing 13 year old...I guess that's not really half my age...oh well

PLAYED SOMEONE TWICE YOUR AGE?
Pretty much every mezzo-soprano character I will ever play will be way older than me...or a whore

FIRED A GUN?
Nope

DRIVEN A CAR?
No...I rode a bike...but we've already been through how that went...

BEEN DRENCHED?
My death scene as the Wicked Witch....and I've been sweaty many times before that, HA! :P

BEEN IN A DREAM SEQUENCE?
Yep

BEEN KISSED?
Hahahahahahaha!! Oh awkward...we tried to do one in The American Clock but I kept giggling

We all break the same

My life has been quite scattered in the past few weeks. I keep describing the way I've felt like this:
It's like getting hit by a bus in a dream. It hits in an instant, your body goes numb, then you wake up screaming with your heart racing. Everything around you is in the same place it was when you closed your eyes, but at the same time everything is different.

Spiritual warfare has been an ever present 'thorn in my side.' I fight off new strategies nearly every day. If I had to give Satan a compliment, it would be that he certainly is persistent. Now I know that many of the things happening in my life right now are tests from God, meant to grow my faith. Yet I recognize the negative comments swirling around in my head to be the voice of evil. Sometimes its one thought, then other times it is a white-out of hateful rantings towards me.
This happens when I'm alone but more so when I am with others, especially other Christians. In one particular instance a few weeks ago I was in music team practice. Someone made a loaded comment that made me feel self-conscious about my voice. Within a few minutes the lies were deafening in my ears and I completely shut down. That has been my defense lately - instead of saying something I will regret I just keep quiet. But instead of regrouping and processing those suppressed emotions, I bottle them and pretend they aren't there.
Anyone who knows me well knows that I have the potential to be very LOUD...when I go silent they know something is wrong.

My answers are always in God's word. This particular verse from John's gospel caught me off guard. It is from Jesus's prayer for his disciples just before he is handed over to be crucified;

"I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one."
- John 17:14-15 [italics added] NIV


I'm here for a purpose; to bring glory to God. And I am trying, but it is by no means easy. Why should it be? I am a sinner made righteous by God through the blood of Jesus Christ.

Two weekends ago while I was on my way home to attend the funeral of my grandpa, I was told by a good friend that God allows us to feel grief so that we might have some small perspective of how He felt when He allowed His son to die in such a horrific manner.

I end this post with some sweet lyrics by the band Mute Math and an honest statement:
I feel so broken that at times I feel numb. Numb to the pain, to emotion, to almost everything that brings me joy. But I'm fighting...for my heart, for my voice...and I know God is doing the same for me. God is faithful...He is always faithful.


The crowds roll by
and i'm falling in
everyone's invincible
but its just pretend

and we all freaked out
what a shame
when only tears
know how
to remind us we all break the same

we all break the same
and we all break the same

and everything we've built
could be our demise
it's the sticks and stones
that wear us down
that often save our lives

the different stars tonight
will somehow fade the same
and all the tears we cry
tell us we're made the same
and when we fall aside
let's hope we fall in place
we built our different lives
but they all break the same

- Mute Math (Break the Same)



Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.
For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.
- Psalm 116:7-9
William David Pontious (September 24, 1927- February 28, 2008)

The female voice

I woke up at 4:30 this morning. ...that's right, I said morning. And I chose to do this. No one made me. If you don't know me then you don't know how significant this is. Let me put it this way; at home my parents are shocked if I wake up before 11. The people who knew me best knew not to call me before at least 10a.m. Basically I love sleeping for as long as I possibly can.

So you may be wondering why I would wake myself up at such an hour when it is far from my normal routine of convincing myself that I can sleep until 10 minutes before I need to be somewhere...

This morning I met my friend Nate in Greenville at 6a.m. to get breakfast and lead worship in the chapel service at a Christian Academy for the 5th-8th graders. He asked me on Wednesday if I would come be a female voice and I agreed (as long as he bought me breakfast). So we ate, drove over to the school, set up, I typed in a few missing songs into PowerPoint, and at about 8 we worshipped briefly with the teachers then led worship at 8:30 for about 200 kids.
These kids were GREAT!! They had energy and they sang in worship. A group of girls even came up front when we played 'Marvelous Light' to lead the hand motions I had never seen (but I was VERY excited to learn. They were super cute!). We played for about 40 minutes before the kids had to head to class.
While we were starting to break stuff down, this 5th grade girl named Gala came up to me. I didn't know any of these kids which was a different experience for me because I'm used to having a gaggle of crazy girls around me at Christ Church. Anyway, Gala came up to me and told me that I had a really good voice. I smiled and said thank you, then asked her if she liked to sing and if she was in choir. She said she was and that she was taking voice lessons too. She was pretty shy. I told her that I took lessons too and that I sang opera in school. Then before she left she said, "you should come back more often."

That struck me, and not in a self-glorifying way (I am by no means a diva). This girl had just met me for the first time, only knew that I like to sing, but she wanted me to come back and sing again. This group of kids consisted primarily of girls. Nate is a great worship leader, but he does sing in 'guy-friendly' keys which are usually not very 'girl-friendly' (we're either trying to hit pitches in the stratosphere or we sound like tenors. I just make up a harmony). In fact, I'm willing to bet that before I came with Nate the usual set up is just one guy singing with a guitar. And that's not a bad thing by any means...but why do so few women step up to lead as God calls them?

When I was in youth group and we planned to go on a retreat, there were always enough dads willing to come as leaders but very few moms came forward at first notice. They had to be coaxed into it. Most of the speakers on these retreats were men. Most worship bands that I have seen are fronted by men(except for Flyleaf...cuz they rock). At WVU when I went to CRU, most of the talks were given by men. Even at Christ Church the 3 other interns are guys. And again, I don't have a problem with these men stepping up and using their spiritual gifts to glorify God. I respect them and I wish more men would step up and own the role God is asking them to play in His Kingdom.

My problem with all of this is that the female voice is missing in a lot of ministries. And a lot of ministries have more girls than guys who come regularly. These girls want to hear what the women in their lives have done to get where they are in their walks with Christ. I wish I had when I was in high school, just starting to explore Christianity and what that meant other than sitting in church every Sunday. There are so many issues we face as women that are not addressed in a group atmosphere. Some of those issues do need to be brought up in a safe environment of just women. But in general, I think it would be incredibly beneficial for the girls and guys to hear a strong woman of God lead large group talks in an authentic way. Guys want to understand us and so do girls.

Now before I get the words of Paul and Peter thrown in my face about the role of women in the church let me be clear. I am not suggesting that women should be favored in leadership or be in a high-ranking position within the church building. I AM saying that women need to speak up for what they believe, express themselves more in the church as a community, and to be role models to the young girls who are so desperately looking to them for guidance. We all need to look to Jesus to discern how to be effective in our respective ministries.


"After this the Lord appointed seventy-two others and sent them on ahead of him, two by two, into every town and place where he himself was about to go. And he said to them, "The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest. Go your way; behold, I am sending you out as lambs in the midst of wolves.""
-Luke 10:1-3 ESV

Lead me On

"From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked."
-Luke 12:48b NIV


God is making me into a leader...and it's freaking me out. My most recent trip home to FCEC proved that to me, followed by a few more encounters in Greenville. This wasn't subtle like last January when, while driving back to Morgantown after leading worship at FCEC, God called me to pursue music ministry. The past week and a half has been a punch in the face from the Holy Spirit, telling me to wake up. I fell asleep by the end of January and I needed a wake up call. Wednesday night was the final blow....

I left Spartanburg around 5:40 for Greenville, a 30 minute drive from campus. I was supposed to meet a friend at Coffee Underground to just hang out and possibly work on music. By the time I got there and found a parking space, it was 6:20...40 minutes before senior high EYC started. My friend was no where to be found. Apparently we had a slight miscommunication in who was going to be where and when.
Sooooo I'm only human and to be honest I was pissed. I've been dying to write lyrics and music for months now, and so far we haven't done anything together. And even though I knew the no-show wasn't intentional, I bitterly walked back to my car and drove over to the church. My anger was still brewing inside, so I called a friend to have a quick chat before I went in to practice the worship set. I took a breath, pulled myself together, and walked in.

Within seconds of walking in to the room where my friends were practicing I knew I was still upset. And I couldn't hide it. There was no way I would be able to practice without dealing with what was going on first. So I did the level-headed thing...I picked up my Bible and walked out of the room while they continued to run through a song. I found a quiet room not too far away and opened up to the Gospels. I flipped through the underlined passages, looking for an answer. Why was I so angry about something so stupid? And why did I try to put on a happy face with my friends instead of talking about it? ....do I do that often?
I ended up focusing on two scriptures. The first was the story of Gethsemane in Matthew's Gospel. My first wake up call came from verse 41;

""Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body in weak.""

Jesus is speaking to his disciples in the moments before Judas betrays him. He has asked them to do one simple thing - keep watch while he goes off to pray. When Jesus returns, he finds them all asleep. How would you feel if you were one of the disciples who had fallen asleep? Ashamed? Frustrated with your own weakness? Unworthy? That is exactly how I felt when I read that story. I put my head in my hands and began to pray with a passion I had not felt in a long while. I was so involved in my conversation with God that I did not hear my friend knock and try to say hello to me.
I was just like the disciples on that night. I was reading and praying every day, teaching the kids at my church at home what it looks like to be a Christian (without the 'stained glass masquerade), and really walking with God on such an intimiate level. Then I fell asleep for a short while. Tears streamed down my face as I asked God to help me wake up from the nap I had fallen in to.
The second scripture I turned to was the one I listed above from Luke 12. Yet another blow to my heart. I was running from the growing pains. I felt like God was entrusting me with more than I could handle. And instead of praying and reading more, I was trying to throw my hands up in the air and give up. I sincerely felt like Moses before the exodus from Egypt.

"Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say."
But Moses said, "O Lord, please send someone else to do it."
-Exodus 4:12-13 NIV

Now I am in no way comparing myself to Moses, one of the greatest leaders in Jewish history. But I can certainly sympathize with the man. God is calling me to be more than who I am right now, and He had to wake me up from a nap to tell me that (sadly it isn't even the first time I have been aware of this plan). I'm going to be a musician and work with kids. That's where my passion lies. And I love that the kids come to me to talk about their faith and what's going on. They come to me because I am not afraid to be honest about my own life. I'm slowly dealing with everything I have been through in my life, and that makes me relateable. I've been where they are and now I understand what God was trying to teach me from those experiences. That's what they want and need to hear....someone who has been in the pits and come out of it by the grace of God.

Worship that night was the best it had been in a long time. God spoke to my heart, broke my barriers down and made me vulnerable before Him and the small group of friends present. I felt a call to just let go and lead as He tells me to lead. Quit worrying and don't be scared, because as Matthew 10:31 says, "you are worth more than many sparrows." God will take care of me no matter where my life takes me.

"Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."
-Ephesians 5:14b NIV

In closing, vulnerability is diffcult. And my fear is that so few church leaders are willing to go there. That sends a very disturbing message to our youth - 'suck it up and take it somewhere else.'
It's terribly sad to think that I have to hide my heart in God's house. How do we begin to heal our brokenness if we can't open up and lay it down at the Lord's feet? Most of my struggle with faith has been a direct result from shoving all of my deepest, darkest issues so far down that I couldn't see them. But as we all know, just because you can't see something doesn't mean that it's not there. I could feel my issues like a splinter pushed deep inside my skin, and pain like that can only be ignored for so long. Eventually the splinter has to come out...when we choose to allow that to happen determines how much and how long it will hurt.

Mini update!

Well...I get to go home tomorrow for a long weekend after my first January term.
It has definitely been an interesting January....
I've spent the past month being sick (twice), recording some new music with Noah & Brian in our yet-to-be-named band, taking a class in music of diverse cultures, AND playing a nun in Suor Angelica. I've been working my way through Numbers (slowly, I might add) as well as reading John Eldredge's book Wild at Heart. I saw David Crowder Band in concert, recorded my audition tape for keynote (with screamo!), and yesterday I ran around Greenville, SC with Sam and Brian. Sooooo much fun!

My devotional schedule has been so out of whack all month, so I promise to put up some more substantial posts starting in February. God bless!

Silent Cities

Hey! Check out my friend Sheldon's myspace. He's a talented drummer and guitarist, and his vocals have come a long way!
http://www.myspace.com/scluvsu
He just finished writing and recording a techno/metal fusion album for a school project. And you can hear me on two of the tracks posted. I played violin on 'When Stars Collide' and you can hear me scream about halfway through 'Face the Fate You're Fake.' I had a great time recording with him and I can't wait to hear the whole album.
Oh, and if you need a pick-me-up, listen to the 'Big Bag' remix. It's pretty sweet. :)

What is wrong with us?

Here is a fact that some of you know but don't want to admit: you are screwed up.

We are all so messed up. Honestly, look at us. We lie to each other, we hurt each other over and over again, we say horrible things, we don't put others above ourselves, much less God. And why?
Why do I use sarcasm to hide what I really feel about someone? What gives me the right to say hurtful things to someone just because he hurt me? Why do I always say "good" when someone asks me how I am doing, even if I feel awful?

Fear.

I am so terrified to be myself. I don't want to let people in because I have been hurt in the past. That's the risk I take in getting to know people. I want to know them and I want them to know me...but they were probably just as scared as I was. We are scared to appear vulnerable to others that we guard ourselves with callous remarks and sarcasm. We don't want to have our hearts ripped to shreds again.
And everyone of us has had our heart broken in some way, so we are all equally screwed up. But when I am the victim, I forget that the person who hurt me is probably just as hurt as I am. And when I feel threatened I don't take the time to remember that.
Ephesians 4 provides a great model for how we should treat each other, especially in regard to conflict.

'Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.'
-Ephesians 4:25-32 NIV [italics added]

I am always struck by verses 26-27 that tell us not to sin even though we are angry. Our anger allows Satan to get a leg up on us and make us slaves to our emotions. Anger is so destructive to my spiritual life. How many nights have you spent lying in bed, frustrated with someone? I've wasted so much time stewing over frustrations. And verse 27 tells us to do something about our conflicts. Jesus says in Matthew 5:23-24 that even if we are offering a gift to the altar, if we have wronged someone we must make it right above all else. That is how important settling a conflict is; it takes precedence above everything else going on. But if meeting with the person isn't possible, the verse in Ephesians is telling us not to go to bed angry. Present your frustrations with this person to God. Pray for them and forgive them. Seriously! Then, and this is the hard part, let it go. LET IT GO! Trust that it is in God's hands and you don't need to keep stewing over it in your head. As I said earlier, I have wasted so much time replaying my anger in my head.
It is hard for me to write this because I am admitting openly that I am not perfect. Although, who is? I try to act like I have it all together because everyone else does it too. The truth is that we are all broken, messed up people.
The sooner you admit it and submit that piece of yourself to God, the sooner you allow Him to heal you.


'Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.'
-Ephesians 4:14-16