Lime Green Light

You're so much more than you know

2010-01-07T18:46:00.000-08:00

I haven't updated this thing in sooooo long. I guess I'll start with a short update on what's going on in my life...

1. I live in Louisville, KY. I moved here in August to go to Southern Baptist Theological Seminary to pursue a Masters in Music Performance with some ministry classes. Well, they dropped that program, so right now I only sing in an a capella group there called Doxology. It has pretty much been the only thing keeping me going on some days here.

2. I had three jobs and now I have two. When I moved here I started working as a hostess/singer at the Macaroni Grill and I had a church job as the alto soloist(section)/junior choir director. At the end of October I got a job working for PPG Porter Paint. I quickly realized that between the three on any given week I was working at least 50 hours. So I dropped the church job and cut back my hours at MG. Why quit?
The church I was working for was just not meeting my spiritual needs. There was no emphasis on the Gospel in the music we were singing and my directing job was more like daycare than musical & theological instruction. The music director was crazy and didn't seem to have passion for the Lord. So I left. Plus there was no young adult ministry which is a must for me right now.

3. I'm re-auditioning for Miami of Ohio next Saturday for their MM in Vocal Perf program. I study with a teacher there who has helped me develop my voice sooooo much. For the first time I can sing through pieces without thinking "wow, I suck." I didn't suck before, but my self-perception has always been way off. And now I'm not trying to sound like anyone or like a more mature version of myself...I sound like me. :)
I feel really good about my chance this year, but ultimately it isn't up to me. I've reached a point where I almost don't care, because I know it will work out for the better. It might take me a while to accept that if and when it happens, but I'll pull through. God has been good to me and I trust that He knows what He's doing with my life.

4. I have been trying to let the "graceful Diva" within out more and more. I have been walked over and ignored too many times to just keep smiling through the pain. The best way to deal with an issue is to set it out there in the open, dig it out, and allow God to heal it. I'm embracing the fact that I am a daughter of the Most High King and that I deserve to be treated as such. Anyone who doesn't "get" that needs some serious sanctification...

Flyleaf came out with a new cd in November titled Momento Mori. One of the songs, Set Apart This Dream, says what I believe every girl needs to hear:

Close your eyes little girl
You're a princess now
You own this world
Twirling in your twirly dress
You're the loveliest far above the rest

You build your castles in the skies
And stars reflecting off your eyes
And angels sing on silver clouds
And no one cries screams or shouts

Oh set apart this dream
Oh set apart this dream for me
Set apart this dream for me

Close your eyes pretty girl
'Cause its easier when you brace yourself
Set your thoughts on a world far off
Where we only cry from joy

Oh set apart this dream
Oh set apart this dream for me
Set apart this dream for me

Oh lovely and beautiful
Precious and priceless
You're so much more than you know
Heart of the purest gold
Pure clean and white as snow
Clothed in such splendor
Oh what a beauty for me

Set apart this dream
Set apart this dream

Oh set apart this dream
Oh set apart this dream for me
Set apart this dream for me

You didn't come this far just to be plundered here
Tie up the ropes in pure strength
Sleep in this haven, the King holds your favor
With love much greater than you dreamed

I love the last line of the outro to the song. We are priceless and we are loved by a King whose love is so much greater than anything we could dream. This song makes me cry every time I hear it. I think that it just speaks to that little girl in me who just wants to wear a twirly skirt and spin around. That WAS me as a kid!

And I want to get that back...the understanding that I am lovely, beautiful, precious and priceless.

Bacon bits and jalapenos

2009-09-06T20:39:00.000-07:00

Whilst wasting time on myspace I stumbled upon Family Force 5's update, which said something to the effect of "trying to stay awake in the airport for our flight in 2 hours after only 2 hours of sleep." The normal response to reading that would have been "oh man, that stinks."

My response?

...I'd give anything to be there.

Every time I read a band's blog or watch videos of them on tour or just hear about their newest release I feel this deep desire to be doing the same thing. I don't know if it's just residual longing for Habbakuk to reunite or if it is deeper than that. I find myself wishing to live on a bus for 4 months, floating through airports and hotels, spending hours in a recording studio while being constantly surrounded by crazy fun talented friends. There's a closeness developed there that can only occur after spending that much time together, sharing your deepest passion with each other.

I guess I can only hope that after feeling this way for a few years something good comes out of it. I want to work hard for the cause of something I feel passionate about. I am passionate about music. What I lack currently is direction.

"Don't want to rock the mic, don't want to meet the pope
I just want to share with you how we got this peace and hope."
-Five Iron Frenzy, "Superpowers"

Feel like a Monster

2009-08-22T15:20:00.000-07:00

I'm currently sitting in Panera with a cup of coffee, borrowing their internet because I do not have wireless in my apartment yet. I moved to Louisville, KY a little over a week ago and I'm still trying to get adjusted. I got a job at the Macaroni Grill as a hostess/singer for nights and weekends. Most likely I'll be getting a second job to help pay my bills and such. SBTS raised their tuition to $410 per credit hour for non-SBC members, so needless to say I will not be taking anything other than ensembles for now. Why no Anglican love? Come on!

When I get said internet I will update this more frequently. I survived BFC this summer and I will most definitely be posting stories. For now I'm just trying to finish unpacking and getting used to living in a new city with lots of new people. I won't lie, I hate starting over. You would think I would be used to it by now, but that doesn't mean it's easy. Someday maybe I'll get somewhere I fit in...but for now I'm here in Kentucky trying to figure out how to do what I love and more importantly what God loves. Right now, that's music.

Oh, and I cannot wait for Skillet's new cd to come out in 3 days. One of the tracks is called 'Monster' and it is freakin SWEET!! Check it out: http://www.myspace.com/skilletmusic
I relate to the feeling sometimes...whether its feeling like what I've done before is so ugly or that I just feel like I don't fit in. Story of my life...but that's ok. I play the violin with distortion. :)

B.M. in Singing Pretty

2009-05-26T20:29:00.000-07:00

Wow, it has been a while. Here's the short list of what's happening in my life;

1. I GRADUATED!!! 5 years, 4 schools in 4 states...and now I have a degree that says I sing pretty. AND I had honors, which I was surprised and excited about. Cum Laude, wha WHAT?!?

2. My senior voice recital went very well. My teacher says that I'm at a point where 85% of my singing has vibrato, which is HUGE for me. I loved my rep and I was very pleased with how it went. I have a recording if anyone wants to see or hear it.

3. I'm moving to Louisville, KY for a year. I was going to attend SBTS for an M.M., but they dropped the degree program. And I am feeling more called to performance than direct ministry right now. So I'm going to live, work, take a few classes, take voice lessons, and re-audition for graduate voice programs. Maybe Miami U & CCM?

4. I'm going to Rome, GA tomorrow for staff training for Winshape Girls Camp this summer. I'm nervous and excited about it. I will most likely be the oldest counselor and most definitely the only one from above the Mason Dixon Line. Pray for me! I'll actually be working there in July.

Other than that, I'm just trying ot figure out my life...good times.

I'll update more once I get back from Georgia in early June.

Oh...N.T. Wright rocks. That is all.

We are blessed

2009-03-12T20:58:00.000-07:00

We are blessed.

Our society as a whole is blessed beyond anything we can fully understand. I'll willingly admit that I am blessed.
I grew up in a home with 2 parents, 2 siblings, 2 cats (now 2 cats and a dog), 3 floors, a kitchen, a huge backyard with a swing set and steep hills to sled on in the winter, and my list goes on.
I had access to clean water every day of my life, food when I needed it (though for a month or so back in 2007 I had $0.41 to my name, but my friends provided for me out of the goodness of their hearts), a roof over my head, and a bed to sleep on.
I have health insurance and access to medical care when I need it.
I have a car. I can get in it and go anywhere I want.
I am in college, about to graduate with a degree in Music. I have been given the opportunity to pursue an education in a subject that, to some, does not appear to be beneficial to society.
My parents, though not perfect people, love me. They allow and encourage me to pursue my dreams...provided some sort of independence comes out of it.
I just bought a new laptop. I have a cell phone. I have access to pretty much any piece of information I could ever care to discover.

I read a news story today about this guy who shot and murdered 10 people and himself because he was unhappy with the way his life had been going. He had dreams that were not realized. He had tension within his relationships. He was unsatisfied with the hand he had been dealt. So he grabbed two of the guns he owned, murdered his mother, murdered 9 other people, and shot himself.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/03/12/alabama.shooting/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

Why?

We hear stories like this all the time. Someone looks at his life, becomes unhappy with what it has become, becomes consumed with depression, and takes it out on himself and others. He sees only what he does not have rather than what he does...or did have. Think of how many times we do that every day;

"I wish I had _____"
"Her ____ is newer than mine. I want one."
"I'd be really happy if _____ would happen."
"If he would just say _____, our relationship would be fine."

We put conditions on our happiness, on our satisfaction with our lives. We think we know what's best for us, because who knows me better than...me? I can think of one who knows me better than I know myself...but that's too easy.

When I read that news story, I wonder if that guy knew how blessed he was before he took matters into his own hands. He had a job. He had an education. He clearly had access to material things since he owned at least two guns. And he probably had access to clean water, food, a roof, a bed, the internet. He had a family, whether they got along or not.

He was blessed. But that was not enough for him.

And I'm not saying to look at countries and cultures that don't have these basic needs and think, "Oh, wow, I thought my life was bad but look at them...they have nothing." I guess I'm just becoming aware of how much God blesses those He loves...that's everyone. Even those who do not have basic needs can find joy in knowing that God loves them and will provide for them.

If they can rejoice when, to me, they appear to have nothing, then why do I become negatively inclined the moment something tiny doesn't go the way I thought it would?

"Blessed is the man who always fears the LORD, but he who hardens his heart falls into trouble." - Proverbs 28:14

"But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does." - James 1:25

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!..." - 1 John 3:1

See what you do have rather than what you do not. Thank God for it, because everything we "have" is a gift...life included.

We are blessed...

Standing Up for Nothing

2009-03-10T10:22:00.000-07:00

I'm really digging contemporary Christian artists of the 90's. I do think that some bands today are trying to throw back to the honest lyrics of artists past, but let's face it - a lot of the stuff out there is watered down and bubble gum, written and marketed as "Christian" to make money. I'm a fan of honesty in lyrics and music, whether is sells or not.

Below I have posted the lyrics to "Standing Up for Nothing" by Caedmon's Call, circa 1997.
I love this song because the music is pretty (strings, voice, guitar...what more do you need?), but I also love how honest the lyrics are. I also like the creative way they allude to scripture in the choruses (the "stumbling stone" from Romans 9/Isaiah 8, then Peter's denial).

We let so much get in the way of telling the truth...the ultimate truth. We're supposed to be reflections of the God we claim to follow, but we so often reflect someone who looks nothing like the glorious face of Christ. I try to stand up for my faith, but I am tempted to throw it out the window when it means being in an uncomfortable situation. I have a hard time with non-Christians who are quick to call me judgemental or a prude. And when faced with that social situation, so many will trade in the crown given to them by God for the "paper or plastic" of life simply to be accepted by the masses. I told a friend the other day that I feel like an outcast. He said that I am, but so is he. I guess those of us who choose to live as Christ would have us live would all be considered outcasts.
At least we're outcasts together...it's comforting to know that we are not alone in this fight.

"I can't stop staring at myself
My face reflected in this empty plate
I can't decide if it's the devil
Or if it's just something I ate
'Cause he's been down there all morning
He's patiently waiting at my gate
He's throwing rocks at my window
"Hey won't you come on out and play with me"

And everyday when I get up
I see folks trading in their crowns
For all these paper or plastic lives
An opiate for the masses' hounds
And pride like a vestige of lives lost
The stench of the old folks coming around
Now with the news I heard today
I can't tell if this world is lost or found

You go, I'll be waiting here
And I'm awake, no I cannot sleep
So I'll sit upon this rock is you
I ain't standing up for nothing

I've never seen my congressman
But I can't deny that he exists
'Cause I've seen his legislation pass
I've seen his name on the ballot list
Same I can't deny this fallen world
Though not my home it's where I live
How can I preserve and light the way
For a world that I can't admit I'm in

'Cause I know who I say you are
But these crows can't be made to stop
So I'll sit denying by this fire
I ain't standing up for nothing

Lack of interest leads to
Lack of knowledge leads to
Lack of perspective leads to
Lack of communication leads to
Lack of understanding leads to
Lack of concern leads to
This complacency denotes
This approval denies
The truth

But I can't stop staring at myself
It's my face reflected in this empty plate
And I know that it's the devil
So you lead, I'll be close behind
So you speak, I'll hang on your words
You gotta lift me from this hardened tree
'Cause I ain't standing up for nothing."

Sure and certain...not...

2009-03-07T17:37:00.000-08:00

I have most definitely hit the mid-semester breakdown point. Spring break is 3 weeks away, but in those weeks I have so much work to get done. But that's not even what is stressing me out the most.
Honestly, I'm worried that I have no future.
Yes, that sounds ridiculous. Let me explain.

I am 0/2 for graduate school. Both Miami and UNC Greensboro turned me down for vocal performance, but I'm still waiting to hear from Southern for music ministry. Even if I get in, I don't know if I can afford to go. So what do I do if I don't go to graduate school?

Get a job.

Ok, fine. I know I need a job...but what do I do? I'm not experienced enough to run a youth ministry on my own, but another internship won't pay enough. Plus I want to do music. Even the thought of working somewhere without music makes me want to cry. I'm a strong believer in the idea that you should do what you love. Otherwise, what's the point? We're all gifted in different areas and we should use those gifts to glorify God. I was gifted musically...I love it...and I'm good at it. I'm not willing to settle on anything else. I'll never understand how some people can suppress their talents and desires just to make more money or have more security. I know I sound overly-optimistic when I say that. But I'm being honest...I do not want to compromise.
My greatest fear is that I will have to spend my life doing something I do not feel passionate about.

My faith tells me that I should not worry about what will happen tomorrow. God has plans for me, wonderful plans that I can't imagine. When I read those verses I feel stupid for ever worrying or doubting, but I still do. Some days it is hard to stay hopeful when everyone around is saying that you need to have a plan, a job, a boyfriend, a clear direction.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see." - Hebrews 11:1 NIV

Sigh...that verse always gets me. It also reminds me how weak my faith is at times like these. I actually told a friend last week that being a Christian is too hard sometimes. There is so much sacrifice and surrender involved when you try to live as Christ would have you live. The believing isn't the part I struggle with, it is the following without preconceptions or conditions.

For my love

2009-02-17T05:56:00.001-08:00

I am not damaged.
I am beautiful.
I am worthy of the love God has set aside for me, by grace.

That has become a sort of mantra for me in the last 2 days. In that time I have truly been blown away by how God works out even the smallest details to get the attention of those He loves. He is not a distant figurehead, keeping time like an uncaring conductor. No, He is loving, compassionate, jealous, real, ever present, and the orchestrator watching over each and every member of His great orchestra and every note and marking written on the score of eternity. (I'm a violinist, so that's where the orchestra stuff is coming from, haha)

In the last 3 years of my life I have heard the call of Jesus calling me back to Him. It is humbling and intense, yet I would not trade those moments for anything. He pulled me out of an incredibly toxic relationship, leaving me broken hearted on the floor looking upwards. He stopped my attempts to fill the void in my life with another man, and instead filled my heart with His ever present love. It was difficult. I fought it for a while. But God was more stubborn than I was. He won...He has a tendency of doing that.

So I began walking closely with Him. The problem was that instead of dealing with my feelings towards romantic relationships, I stuffed them deep down and pretended they did not exist. I locked down my heart and assumed that every sort of longing I had for love was wrong. It absolutely ate away at my heart. I would get feelings for a guy, bottle them up, and watch them explode months later instead of prayerfully considering them and finding a healthy way to deal with them. I almost destroyed 2 very good friendships that way because I was too stubborn to be honest about how I felt.

I would go through these phases of feeling depressed that no one was pursuing me in the least. It has been 3 years since the last time I went on a date (let's just go ahead and put that out there). And part of it truly has been God winning me back to Him. I needed to be completely in love with Him before anyone else. For that I am grateful. I never want to feel the way I did when I was immersed in the cycle of toxic relationships. But part of it has been the lock down of my heart from even the possibility of being pursued. I tried so hard to keep my relationships with guys "appropriate" while fighting off the feelings I had. Again, I tried to hide my feelings instead of dealing with them.

The thing about the salvation process that seems to get overlooked is this idea of being transformed. It is very true that when you accept Jesus as Lord you are no longer the same. But that doesn't mean that you become this perfect person who looks nothing like the person you were. You still have issues and scars that need to be dealt with rather than hidden. It hurts much more to have them yanked out of you from the deep dark corner of your heart than to be open and honest about them.
Think of them like a splinter...when it is close to the surface you can see it and get it out pretty easily and painlessly with a pair of tweezers. But if it goes deeper to the point where you can't see it but you feel it with every move you make, then getting it out is going to involve cutting in with a knife and it will hurt a heck of a lot more.

Two days ago God had to get out the knife and cut into a wound I had been ignoring for 3 years. It hurt...I think I burst into tears about 10 times. But afterwards...I have never felt so free. I made the decision to open up my heart again, but this time it was on His terms. I gave Him control over my love life. And I know He has a beautiful story for me. The difference is that now I am open to it. I am not called to be single, and it feels liberating to be able to say that.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.""
-Jeremiah 29:11-14 NIV

I am not damaged.
I am beautiful.
I am worthy of the love God has set aside for me, by grace.

Authentic

2009-02-05T22:26:00.000-08:00

I really like Shawn McDonald's music. It's raw and real and beautiful. Pretty much anything that combines honest lyrics, well-played acoustic guitar and real strings is amazing to my ears.
Well...that or a band like Judgement Day who combines 3 of my favorite things: metal, strings, and epic music. :)

This weekend I'm leading an 8th grade ski trip (oooooh snap). We're talking to them about identity and who they appear to be versus who God created them to be. We all wear masks, some positive and most negative. Anywho, Scott and I have to be able to get up and talk about some of the masks we wear. Nothing better than spilling all of your insecurities and weaknesses out on the floor in front of 28 kids who barely know...

I realized tonight that I have grown so used to one of my masks that it fades into my own likeness. It's name is "shallow." I wear it a lot, around everyone, close friends and new people. It smiles and laughs at all times. It makes jokes and avoids deep conversation topics, because that would require it to come off. Now my own personality smiles, laughs, and makes jokes, but I love deep conversation and sharing with those I trust. So what's with shallow?

I was talking to a friend about life and relationships. We both feel like we don't fit any of the molds out there and agreed that it must mean that God has something really wonderful laid out for us. It's the following without getting distracted that can be difficult. But we talked about relationships, and immediately my shallow mask jumped on...but this time I noticed it. Why is it that the topics we need to talk about are the ones that make us put up our guard the fastest?

I think we make the mistake of carrying our past relationship blunders around with us. It's almost as if we have a separate resume of relationships and what happened and what went wrong and why it still haunts us. We're walking around with this list of flaws our previous loves have pointed out to us, and for whatever reason this keeps us from feeling worthy of anyone ever again. I know I felt like that for a very long time. After my last relationship blew up in my face, I walked around for almost a year feeling like damaged goods. You've seen those cans on the grocery store shelves...the ones with dents or discolored labels...who wants to buy a dented can of soup? Who wants to fall in love with a girl carrying so many wounds and insecurities?

The beautiful thing about this is that God loves us as we are and He knows how much more lovely we will be when we follow His will. He has not called the perfect and squeaky clean, but the lost sheep and sinners. He pours out His love on us without hesitation - the written code and all of our shortcomings are cancelled. He loves us as we are. That really gives me hope.

"When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross."
-Colossians 2:13-14 NIV

Those two verses changed my life about a year and a half ago. I am changed; I am free from my sins in the past. I am a new creation in Christ. I need to learn to recognize my masks and keep the negative ones, like shallow, far from my face.
I've adopted the attitude that if you're going to be anything, be authentic. Not shallow; Authentic.

Unexpected and Enticing

2009-01-30T21:54:00.000-08:00

I found a new band that anyone who actually reads this blog should check out. They're called Article One. They're from London, Canada and have opened for Newsboys and Superchick. They have obvious influences from the Newsboys and MuteMath (one of the members of MuteMath produced their newest album), so the mixing is amazing. But my favorite thing about this band is the violin. You can actually hear him (Matt Piche) on every song, live and recorded, and he totally rocks out live. I just got back from seeing them play live in Butler, PA. I'm always inspired by artists who are trying to do something new. So check them out!

That being said...I really miss playing in a band. I have my violin with 3 effects pedals, a guitar, and now a mandolin, all of which I never get to use. It kills me on nights like this when I feel so inspired to create music but I have no avenue to do so. Watching the violinist in Article One made me want to pick up my violin and just start playing around. This part of me is just dying to get out. But Christ Church dissolved the youth band, Habbakuk will probably remain inactive, Brian and I can't seem to make our schedules mesh, and I'm an "opera singer" who listens to metal and alternative Christian music...where will an opportunity present itself? When?

I feel like I'm holding back a huge part of who I am while I wait to figure out what's next.

I'm so sick of waiting and being forced to squeeze into a mold that wasn't made for me. What if I'm not just a worship musician? An opera singer? A performer? A youth ministry assistant? Everyone wants me to pick, to define myself, to choose a peg hole to fit into. But in the process I'm losing chunks of myself...literally like forcing a square peg into a round hole. Sometimes I worry that I've already sacrificed so much of myself over the years that I'm no longer Louise. What if I'm just this conglomeration of other people's opinions and desires?

It's so hard to stand alone and try to be the unique mess God made you to be. I'm learning that not everything can be placed into a neat little box. The thing I really like about Article One's mixing is that it doesn't sound precise or even. The sound and effects have this give and take that makes the music sound a little gritty yet smooth. Your ear is always hearing something unexpected.

...I guess that's what I want my life to look like. A little unexpected and gritty, but smooth and enticing all in one. That's the whole idea of being the salt and light of the world...my life verses.

"You are the salt of the earth, but if that salt loses it's saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. You are the light of the world..."
-Matthew 5:13-14 NIV

I'm a follower of Jesus, the ultimate mold-breaker.

He will not let your foot slip

2009-01-05T20:54:00.000-08:00

Growing up sucks. I'm 23 and on the verge of stepping out of the undergraduate bubble I have been in for the past 5 years. I have to rely less on my parents and more on myself. I am blessed to have a family that has been able to provide for me along the way while also encouraging me to me self sufficient. There is no way I could have attended college without them and I am not ashamed of that level of dependency. But things are changing...and I got a huge reality check today.

My dad informed me on my 23rd birthday that I was no longer covered under the family's health insurance plan (yeah I know, happy birthday to me). That might not be such a big deal if I did not have a chronic illness that requires 6 prescriptions every month. For the last 6 years as a diabetic my co-pays for prescriptions have been very low. But today when I went to pick up 2 of them I had to pay the full price. I had to go outside, sit in my car and cry for about 10 minutes on the phone with my mom.

Let me explain why I freaked out. For these 2 particular prescriptions with my old insurance copay, I would have paid $10 total. Today I had to pay $145. That was for the 2 "cheapest" prescriptions I pick up once a month. Hence why I had to step outside. How am I going to afford these for the rest of my life (or until they cure type 1 diabetes) on a musician's/ministry salary?
For the next few months my parents are going to pay for my separate health insurance out of pocket, but soon I'll have to find a way to pay for it myself. I'm terrified. I don't know what I'm going to do. All of these "what ifs" are swirling around in my head. I'm not ready to be an adult. I want to move on but I am so scared to do it.

What if I fail?

The only thing that has kept me going is knowing that I serve a God who is good. God is faithful, always. God is constant and persistent. He will never leave me and He will never desert me. I am doomed to fail without Him...which means I cannot fail.

"I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."
-Psalm 121 NIV

"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have,
because God has said,
"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
So we say with confidence,
"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?""
-Hebrews 13:5-6 NIV

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
-Matthew 6:33-34 NIV

Pray for me and pray that I take the passages above to heart.
God is good, all the time.

Concert/Reading List 2008 & Social Temptation

2009-01-02T20:03:00.000-08:00

Concerts I got to see in 2008:
David Crowder Band
Winter Jam (Skillet, MercyMe, Barlow Girl, Mandisa, and Newsong)
Shane & Shane w/ Bethany Dillon and Starfield
Casting Crowns w/ Leeland and Ruth
Sanctus Real
Warped Tour '08 (Anberlin, Relient K, Family Force 5)
Relient K w/ Ludo
Judgement Day w/ Dredg (SOOOO AMAZING!!!)
Winter Wonder Slam (TobyMac, Family Force 5, Relient K)

Books I can remember reading in 2008:
Genesis-Esther (with ABR I read through the first 17 books of the Bible)
Jesus for President by Shane Claiborne & Chris Haw
Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell
Sex God by Rob Bell
Jesus Wants to Save the Christians by Rob Bell & Don Golden
The Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs
Disciplines of a Godly Woman by Barbara Hughes
The Shack by William P. Young
Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson
The Believer's Guide to Spiritual Warfare by Thomas B. White
God is the Gospel by John Piper
Postmodern Youth Ministry by Tony Jones
Wild at Heart by John Eldredge
And I re-read:
Captivating by Staci & John Eldredge
Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

When I look at that list of books I'm kind of taken aback. I know I've never read that much in one year, and that stuff isn't all fluffy reading. That's exciting! The concerts were all great too, especially Anberlin and seeing Relient K 3 times! I love going to concerts to worship, dance, and just rock out. Most of these were especially great because I got to go with some of the youth group kids from Christ Church and FCEC. I loved being able to share my love for music with them.

God has been so constant in my life. Whether I "felt" on fire for Him or distant, He was always there with me. The world will always tell me that anything but God is the answer. He is not popular in most of my social circles, even those that include some "Christians." The temptation is to choose the easy joke, the gossip, the harmless sarcastic remark, the norm of the group.
But...
"People never crumble in a day. It's a slow fade..." - Slow Fade by Casting Crowns
I was reminded recently by a sermon I heard at the Allegheny Center Alliance Church why I must resist these temptations. When I said "yes" to God, I was changed. My old self died and I was reborn in Christ. That is a HUGE change. And those around me who have not gone through that change do not understand it in the least. It makes them uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable too. But my life does not revolve around my comfort, and I can't keep trying to figure out a way to make everyone else comfortable. I cannot serve both God and man.

"For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good."
-Titus 2:11-14 NIV

We live by the highest standards because we serve a higher power. We will fall short every time...but our God is constant, and He loves us even in our brokenness. I am blessed beyond my wildest hopes and dreams.
I pray that God will continue to help me grow and bring me closer to Him.

Wherever, whenever, whatever...it is all for God's glory.

"I just wanna be liked"

2008-12-28T20:28:00.000-08:00

I think I'm about to hit a new brick wall. I have been home for 2 1/2 weeks and I have passed the point of going crazy. Most of my time has been spent sitting in bed with my laptop, compulsively checking my e-mail and facebook. The most I've done is lead the Saturday night service once, sing in the choir and see my laryngologist. My lack of social activity is probably my fault. I don't know why I think whining about it is going to make me feel better.
Every time I have come home I have felt farther and farther removed from the people I used to be so close with. I don't talk to anyone I graduated high school with and I've lost touch with so many others from my college tour of America. Honestly, nothing hurts me more than to feel ignored. When I reach out to renew a relationship and that gesture is not reciprocated I assume that I'm always the problem. I feel like I'm not worth reaching for, and that is a terribly depressing place to be.
I'm ready to move on with my life. Staying at home for this long just brings about anxiety attacks from staying around my family for too long and I'm tired of feeling depressed about my lack of meaningful relationships. I do have some and I cherish them, but most of them live outside the tri-state area. I love the kids from FCEC, but they all have friends their age around Pittsburgh to hang out with and they don't understand where I'm coming from. I'm going to graduate this spring, I've lived in 4 different states in the last 5 years, my family is falling apart, and in the next few months I have to figure out how to sustain myself through graduate school and beyond. Yeah...idk...

"One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I tried too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the joke's on me
So call me captain backfire.
I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me.
I'd rather be a mystery
Than he desert me."
-My Stupid Mouth by John Mayer

I'm here to find You

2008-12-23T14:22:00.000-08:00

I love 90's/early 2000's worship music. I borrowed a whole cd case full of awesome worship music from Joel. I'm uplifted by groups like Ten Shekel Shirt, FFH, Insyderz, Delirious?, Sonicflood, and so on. Their music was simple but packed with penetrating messages. But worship teams today make the mistake of giving up on these gems because of their simplicity. If you play a song like "Meet With Me" as written without prayerfully considering the message then it's no wonder that it will sound boring. Some of the most powerful worship songs I have heard repeat the same line over and over again, but it never gets boring because the worship leader is in tune with the Holy Spirit. Without that relationship the repetitions of text will be meaningless. We should rediscover these classics and worship in a way that is authentic. Experiment with new harmonies, instrumentation, texture, timbre, volume, but be discerning when it comes to 'ornamenting' music used for worship. It's about the One being glorified by our gifts, not the gifts alone. If you can't articulate the message of the song then you probably shouldn't be leading worship with it.

"Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth."
-John 4:23-24 NIV

"As I wait, you make me strong
As I long, draw me to your arms
As I stand and sing your praise
You come, you come and you fill this place
Won't you come, Won't you come and fill this place"
-"Meet With Me" by Ten Shekel Shirt

Keep following, for unto us a son is given

2008-12-19T15:57:00.000-08:00

I love Casting Crown's version of "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day." The arrangement is beautiful, the text emphasis is tight, and of course I love hearing violins mixed with rock music. The lyrics are so powerful for this time of year. We can so easily forget the meaning of this season.
For me it has been difficult to get into the "spirit" of the season when I don't feel it yet. I'm hanging out at home with little to do, fighting with my family, trying to find my place in the world. Following has been more difficult than I thought. I just finished a pretty spiritually flat-lined semester and I want to change that. I need Him now more than ever.
That's why I'm so thankful for this Christmas season, for the gift we can't find in a store or redeem with a gift card. Even when I fall away, this Savior will always be right there waiting for me. I can't think of a more beautiful picture than meeting my Lord, taking His hand, and continuing on our walk.
I know He has many meaningful relationships out there for me. I just have to keep walking. Keep following...

"Every warrior's boot used in battle
and every garment rolled in blood
will be destined for burning,
will be fuel for the fire.

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end.
He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom,
establishing and upholding it
with justice and righteousness
from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the LORD Almighty will accomplish this."
-Isaiah 9:5-7 NIV

Broken

2008-11-06T12:54:00.000-08:00

Wow...I stink at keeping this updated. In general I haven't journaled or devoed very much this year. That's super sad. With ABR at Christ Church we've been reading through the Gospels and we are currently in the midst of John. Other than reading for that and the few and far between trip to Panera or Starbucks to chill with a book I have not read much else. I did finish Mere Christianity, which was wonderful. I'm now 2 chapters into Rob Bell's new book Jesus Wants To Save Christians.

I'm trying to figure out where to go next year and what I will do there. Where does God want me?

I'm working on new recital rep as well as our production of The Mikado, which opens in 2 weeks.

I'm taking the GRE in...2 weeks.

I'm trying to find a Christian community to be a part of. I've been going to this group in Greenville on Mondays called Engage with my friends Brian and Nate. It has been really wonderful way to get fed and visit for a bit with friends who care about the things I do.

I'm really missing Pittsburgh, my family, Joey (my dog), my old church, and mostly my old friends. I've lost touch with so many people since I left WVU. I know it's a two-way street, but it still hurts.

I'm struggling with spiritual attack at my internship. I love talking to the kids and program planning for events. My current issue is with the overload of sarcasm in my relationships with the staff. I've pointed it out over and over again but nothing changes. They say it's "just who they are." I don't buy it. If it hurts anyone's feelings (which it is) they should stop. Sarcasm literally means 'cutting of the flesh (thank you B-lils).' I cried for the first 20 minutes on the highway when I left because I was so frustrated and I felt so misunderstood and ignored.

I'm mourning the loss of my Grammy, Edith van Mook. She was my dad's mom and we had had a strained relationship for the last 8 years. I know she loved me and I got to tell her I loved her a few weeks before she died. No matter who it is or how things were, losing someone still hurts.

I feel so broken...lost...and a little bit alone.

"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"

-Coldplay 'Fix You'

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.

Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him.
Let him bury his face in the dust—there may yet be hope.
Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace.

For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.
For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."

-Lamentations 3:19-33 NIV

It's time for true devotion

2008-08-23T21:49:00.000-07:00

Well I am back in South Carolina. In less than 9 hours I will be moving back into my dorm room. In a way it is comforting to be in a somewhat familiar place for once. Again, this is my first time as a returning student, haha! I know where everything is, I know people, and I won't feel so out of place. Yet something isn't quite right.

The more I think about it the more I feel like this place isn't right for me. Let's face it, I am by no means a southern belle. They are pristine and polite. So in a way I am still trying to understand how I fit in to this place. I'm also still trying to figure out how to live like a woman of God...whatever that means. How do you find the middle ground between judgemental and free-spirited? Prude and hippie? Bull horn and daisy (that probably only made sense to me)?

I did all my summer reading and then some. It was eye-opening and wonderful but I feel like I should have taken more from it. I think a part of me wanted this past summer to be really amazing and life-changing, which for all I know it was, just not in the way I saw it. It seems like everyone I know got to be a part of this larger picture of the kingdom while I was doing laundry in Fox Chapel...one day a week...for minimum wage.

And in spite of the arguing and drama the most redeeming quality this summer had for me was my time at FCEC. I got to lead worship twice, co-lead a girls book study, plan an amazing goodbye party for Dudley, hang out with 3 year-olds at VBS, drink dozens of cups of caribou coffee, and go feet-first down a water slide...in a silk dress. I tear up just thinking about those kids. They are my passion. I would do anything to see them smile and hear them laugh. (ok, now I am crying thinking about them)

I did a lot of me-work this summer. And I pray that some of it spilled over into my work at FCEC. I'm learning to be more patient and better at expressing how I feel, especially concerning my male counterparts in ministry. Shutting down is not an effective display of communication. Instead of getting frustrated and assuming the worst I need to stop, pray, then talk it out. PRAY being the most important part. I want to spend more time in the word and less time sitting aimlessly at my computer (this doesn't count...in fact I want to blog more...especially with more devos as this was intended to be).

I can see myself in music ministry, leading worship in a church service as well as rocking out in a worship concert. That is still what drives me. I'm also beginning to feel drawn towards youth ministry. I love talking to kids about God and thinking of fun and creative ways to show them how to apply the word to their lives. Plus the little controller in me loves to organize! One night this summer after dinner we went back to the church at 10:30 because I really REALLY wanted to organize the former youth minister's office. We were there for almost 2 hours cleaning, sorting and organizing...and I was EXCITED! Haha!

Who knows...maybe this summer was just a stepping stone towards something higher...

"They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved."
-Acts 2:42-47 NIV

Let nothing move you.

2008-07-09T18:40:00.000-07:00

The question that keeps coming to mind when I think about the way this summer has been going for me is:

What am I going to do with my life and how are my choices today affecting it?

I'm headed into my 5th and final year of my undergraduate studies in vocal performance (I know, crazy right?!). This will also be my first year as a "returning student" which means I have to move myself in...no orientation staff to carry everything in for me. Haha! It will be interesting to see what happens in terms of fellowship when I'm surrounded by the same set of people for more than a year. I'm over the whole 'chick school' thing. I want more than surface level connections with these girls. Surface relationships don't last...hence the last 4 years and the few friendships that have lasted along the way. I cherish the lasting ones so much.

So will it be music minister, opera singer, rock star, or a fusion of all 3? I know that ultimately I shouldn't worry about tomorrow...I get it...mist...thanks James! But looking at all the things I love to do, I wonder how they are going to come together. If I could do anything I wanted and start it right now, I would probably form a band of Jesus-loving rock musicians and go write and record music and play sweet gigs at little places like Mr. Smalls in Millvale, PA (def one of the coolest concert venues I've ever been to).

Instead I'm at home reading, playing with my dog, watching tv, attempting to repair the broken youth group at my church, or trying to find places to practice my recital rep. Basically I feel like I'm not doing anything meaningful with my life this summer. Along with the aforementioned stuff, I work one night a week at a local restaurant doing laundry. It's very exciting. I convinced myself that I couldn't do anything else in terms of work because of my trips to Spartanburg, SC. Looking back I probably could have found something with more hours. What can I say? I am queen of the procrasti-nation.

So far this summer I have finished reading:
Disciplines of a Godly Woman by Barbara Hughes
A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson (honestly, I got bored and skimmed through)
Jesus for President by Shane Claiborne
The Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs
Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell
Sex God by Rob Bell

Obviously there's a theme here. I've been focusing on "Christian" books because I wanted to explore what years of youth group never taught me. Rob Bell's books have been the most intriguing for me. It's easy for me to follow his train of thought and his work made me want to go out and read more. He makes me want to study church history and keep asking questions. I got burned out pretty quickly from all the Episcopal Church drama and trying to pick up the pieces of the youth group at FCEC, and Bell's books have addressed some of my issues with the church. Basically I know I'm not alone.

I just don't want to look back on these years and think, "I could have done so much more. I wish I had just trusted God more and gone for it." How much would that suck?

I want to go deeper.
I want to be challenged.
I want to be LOUD.
I want to question and learn and be broken down and rebuilt.
I want to love the way Jesus does.

"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."
- 1 Corinthians 15:58 NIV

What is your life? You are a mist...

2008-05-22T21:10:00.000-07:00

Well it's the end of May and I've been home for a little over a week. I made it through the most difficult semester of my life and I just discovered that I didn't fail any classes (YAY...although I came close in piano). Most of the stuff from my dorm room is still sitting in the foyer of my house. I think I feel weird only because I haven't gotten into a routine yet. I've done a little unpacking and a lot of sitting around. My passion for reading has fizzled since I've been home, which I kind of expected. That needs to be remedied before I say I'll put up devos more frequently.

So here are my plans for the summer (God willing):

1. Read A LOT!
On my list for the summer are Shane Claiborne's new book "Jesus for President" and A. J. Jacob's "The Year of Living Biblically." I have some ABR (Amazing Bible Race) reading to catch up on. I've read from Genesis to Nehemiah, but I need to go back to pick up 2 Kings and 1 & 2 Chronicles. I'm also still in the midst of Barbara Hughes' "Disciplines of a Godly Woman" and Marianne Williamson's "A Return to Love." I'm sure a few more will make the list as the months roll by.
2. Voice Lessons
I'm travelling back to Spartanburg, SC 3 times before the school year starts in late August to take voice lessons for a few days at a time. My junior recital is on Sept. 12 so I need to be as prepared as I can. I love all of my music and I can't wait to perform it for everyone! So therefore this summer I will be doing a lot of...
3. Practicing!
My music is sweet but it's difficult. We've completely 180'd my technique over the last few months so I'm working a lot harder at being consistent with my breath support. It's so much better, but it's a lot of work! I'm hoping to be in a practice room at least every other day for a few hours.
4. Help out at FCEC.
My youth group is so broken up here. With our Rector leaving at the end of June, consistent budget cuts, low attendance, and the whole national church crisis, it's no wonder the youth feel left out. I'm getting a girls group together to do a book study and just hang out together since the boys have taken over the youth group. Any suggestions for a book? This is a great group of kids and I just pray that God will continue to work in them and make them stronger through this storm.
5. Get a job.
I think I'll be working at the Hartwood Restaurant, doing anything from front of the house to laundry. It'll give me something to do and make my dad happy.

Other than that things are pretty up in the air. Again, I try not to plan out too far ahead because as I have been shown time and time again God thinks my plans are funny. He likes to change them. I'll see at the end of the summer how this list turns out. I just want to grow in character and continue to be passionate about following the Lord. Anything else that comes along is just bonus!

"Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."
James 4:13-15 NIV

Does anyone still wear a hat?

2008-04-12T20:21:00.000-07:00

Hey kids! I stink at keeping this updated...school is eating my life. It's hard for me to find the time to sit here and type up all the devos I feel pulling at me to write. Once the semester starts to wind down I will be able to do this more.
I wanted to post this (thanks Stu!) because it brought back so many memories of when I did musical theatre. It also made me aware of how cool it is to be an opera chick! I love performing so much!

THEATRE SURVEY
LAST SHOW ADDED TO YOUR RESUME:
Scenes from The Ballad of Baby Doe (Augusta) and Giulio Cesare (Cornelia)

LAST SHOW YOU AUDITIONED FOR:
Opera scenes (the ones listed above!)

LAST SONG YOU USED AT AN AUDITION:
It might have been Lullaby from The Consul

WHAT WAS YOUR VERY FIRST SHOW:
Mary Poppins in second grade...I was a penguin, a bank teller, and a mouse in this crazy dream sequence we added

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DANCE SOLO?
Umm...probably not...

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A SINGING SOLO?
Yes :O

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THE LAST PERSON TO TAKE A BOW?
No

HAVE YOU BEEN TO NEW YORK?
Mmm hmm! It's been a while though...

HAVE YOU BEEN TO LA?
No

HAVE YOU BEEN TO LONDON?
Twice, I saw Starlight Express there in 8th grade...it was ridiculous...musicals were not meant to be put on skates

WHAT'S THE SCARIEST PART OF AN AUDITION?
Not delivering the kind of performance I know I'm capable of

WHAT'S THE BEST PART OF AN AUDITION?
The rare glimpse of a judge/director smiling

NAME A SHOW YOU WOULD NEVER DO AGAIN:
Bye Bye Birdie

NAME A SHOW YOU COULD DO FOR YEARS:
Into the Woods - I've never been in it but I know I could play the Witch for years

WHAT ARE YOU AUDITIONING FOR NEXT?
The Mikado and fall opera scenes

DO YOU KEEP IN TOUCH WITH PAST CAST MEMBERS?
I rarely hear from any Act Oners, but I still talk to some theatre govies

ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW IMPORTANT IS GETTING PAID?
Well I've never been paid for a role, so its not important yet...but it will be

SOMETHING EMBARRASSING OR UNEXPECTED THAT HAPPENED TO YOU WHILE ON STAGE?
I learned how to ride a bike for the role of the Wicked Witch/Miss Gultch in The Wizard of Oz (that's right, I learned how to ride a bike when I was 18) and my rides were maybe 60% accurate for the 6 shows we did...that and I almost lit my dress on fire with this pyro effect thing I had in my hand for a scene...

EVER BEEN NAKED ON STAGE?
Eww....no!

BEEN KILLED?
Yes!! In The Wizard of Oz as the Wicked Witch...I milked that scene for all it was worth!!

PLAYED DRUNK ON STAGE?
I sang 'The Ladies Who Lunch' from Company in a studio recital last year and I used a martini glass as a prop...that was soooooooo much fun!! "Does anyone still wear a hat? I'll drink to that!"

PLAYED SOMEONE HALF YOUR AGE?
At PGSA '03 in The America Clock I played Doris as three different ages...let me tell you that I do NOT make a convincing 13 year old...I guess that's not really half my age...oh well

PLAYED SOMEONE TWICE YOUR AGE?
Pretty much every mezzo-soprano character I will ever play will be way older than me...or a whore

FIRED A GUN?
Nope

DRIVEN A CAR?
No...I rode a bike...but we've already been through how that went...

BEEN DRENCHED?
My death scene as the Wicked Witch....and I've been sweaty many times before that, HA! :P

BEEN IN A DREAM SEQUENCE?
Yep

BEEN KISSED?
Hahahahahahaha!! Oh awkward...we tried to do one in The American Clock but I kept giggling

We all break the same

2008-03-15T21:41:00.000-07:00

My life has been quite scattered in the past few weeks. I keep describing the way I've felt like this:
It's like getting hit by a bus in a dream. It hits in an instant, your body goes numb, then you wake up screaming with your heart racing. Everything around you is in the same place it was when you closed your eyes, but at the same time everything is different.

Spiritual warfare has been an ever present 'thorn in my side.' I fight off new strategies nearly every day. If I had to give Satan a compliment, it would be that he certainly is persistent. Now I know that many of the things happening in my life right now are tests from God, meant to grow my faith. Yet I recognize the negative comments swirling around in my head to be the voice of evil. Sometimes its one thought, then other times it is a white-out of hateful rantings towards me.
This happens when I'm alone but more so when I am with others, especially other Christians. In one particular instance a few weeks ago I was in music team practice. Someone made a loaded comment that made me feel self-conscious about my voice. Within a few minutes the lies were deafening in my ears and I completely shut down. That has been my defense lately - instead of saying something I will regret I just keep quiet. But instead of regrouping and processing those suppressed emotions, I bottle them and pretend they aren't there.
Anyone who knows me well knows that I have the potential to be very LOUD...when I go silent they know something is wrong.

My answers are always in God's word. This particular verse from John's gospel caught me off guard. It is from Jesus's prayer for his disciples just before he is handed over to be crucified;

"I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one."
- John 17:14-15 [italics added] NIV

I'm here for a purpose; to bring glory to God. And I am trying, but it is by no means easy. Why should it be? I am a sinner made righteous by God through the blood of Jesus Christ.

Two weekends ago while I was on my way home to attend the funeral of my grandpa, I was told by a good friend that God allows us to feel grief so that we might have some small perspective of how He felt when He allowed His son to die in such a horrific manner.

I end this post with some sweet lyrics by the band Mute Math and an honest statement:
I feel so broken that at times I feel numb. Numb to the pain, to emotion, to almost everything that brings me joy. But I'm fighting...for my heart, for my voice...and I know God is doing the same for me. God is faithful...He is always faithful.

The crowds roll by
and i'm falling in
everyone's invincible
but its just pretend

and we all freaked out
what a shame
when only tears
know how
to remind us we all break the same

we all break the same
and we all break the same

and everything we've built
could be our demise
it's the sticks and stones
that wear us down
that often save our lives

the different stars tonight
will somehow fade the same
and all the tears we cry
tell us we're made the same
and when we fall aside
let's hope we fall in place
we built our different lives
but they all break the same

- Mute Math (Break the Same)

Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.
For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.
- Psalm 116:7-9
William David Pontious (September 24, 1927- February 28, 2008)

The female voice

2008-02-22T20:21:00.000-08:00

I woke up at 4:30 this morning. ...that's right, I said morning. And I chose to do this. No one made me. If you don't know me then you don't know how significant this is. Let me put it this way; at home my parents are shocked if I wake up before 11. The people who knew me best knew not to call me before at least 10a.m. Basically I love sleeping for as long as I possibly can.

So you may be wondering why I would wake myself up at such an hour when it is far from my normal routine of convincing myself that I can sleep until 10 minutes before I need to be somewhere...

This morning I met my friend Nate in Greenville at 6a.m. to get breakfast and lead worship in the chapel service at a Christian Academy for the 5th-8th graders. He asked me on Wednesday if I would come be a female voice and I agreed (as long as he bought me breakfast). So we ate, drove over to the school, set up, I typed in a few missing songs into PowerPoint, and at about 8 we worshipped briefly with the teachers then led worship at 8:30 for about 200 kids.
These kids were GREAT!! They had energy and they sang in worship. A group of girls even came up front when we played 'Marvelous Light' to lead the hand motions I had never seen (but I was VERY excited to learn. They were super cute!). We played for about 40 minutes before the kids had to head to class.
While we were starting to break stuff down, this 5th grade girl named Gala came up to me. I didn't know any of these kids which was a different experience for me because I'm used to having a gaggle of crazy girls around me at Christ Church. Anyway, Gala came up to me and told me that I had a really good voice. I smiled and said thank you, then asked her if she liked to sing and if she was in choir. She said she was and that she was taking voice lessons too. She was pretty shy. I told her that I took lessons too and that I sang opera in school. Then before she left she said, "you should come back more often."

That struck me, and not in a self-glorifying way (I am by no means a diva). This girl had just met me for the first time, only knew that I like to sing, but she wanted me to come back and sing again. This group of kids consisted primarily of girls. Nate is a great worship leader, but he does sing in 'guy-friendly' keys which are usually not very 'girl-friendly' (we're either trying to hit pitches in the stratosphere or we sound like tenors. I just make up a harmony). In fact, I'm willing to bet that before I came with Nate the usual set up is just one guy singing with a guitar. And that's not a bad thing by any means...but why do so few women step up to lead as God calls them?

When I was in youth group and we planned to go on a retreat, there were always enough dads willing to come as leaders but very few moms came forward at first notice. They had to be coaxed into it. Most of the speakers on these retreats were men. Most worship bands that I have seen are fronted by men(except for Flyleaf...cuz they rock). At WVU when I went to CRU, most of the talks were given by men. Even at Christ Church the 3 other interns are guys. And again, I don't have a problem with these men stepping up and using their spiritual gifts to glorify God. I respect them and I wish more men would step up and own the role God is asking them to play in His Kingdom.

My problem with all of this is that the female voice is missing in a lot of ministries. And a lot of ministries have more girls than guys who come regularly. These girls want to hear what the women in their lives have done to get where they are in their walks with Christ. I wish I had when I was in high school, just starting to explore Christianity and what that meant other than sitting in church every Sunday. There are so many issues we face as women that are not addressed in a group atmosphere. Some of those issues do need to be brought up in a safe environment of just women. But in general, I think it would be incredibly beneficial for the girls and guys to hear a strong woman of God lead large group talks in an authentic way. Guys want to understand us and so do girls.

Now before I get the words of Paul and Peter thrown in my face about the role of women in the church let me be clear. I am not suggesting that women should be favored in leadership or be in a high-ranking position within the church building. I AM saying that women need to speak up for what they believe, express themselves more in the church as a community, and to be role models to the young girls who are so desperately looking to them for guidance. We all need to look to Jesus to discern how to be effective in our respective ministries.

"After this the Lord appointed seventy-two others and sent them on ahead of him, two by two, into every town and place where he himself was about to go. And he said to them, "The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest. Go your way; behold, I am sending you out as lambs in the midst of wolves.""
-Luke 10:1-3 ESV

Lead me On

2008-02-09T20:35:00.000-08:00

"From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked."
-Luke 12:48b NIV

God is making me into a leader...and it's freaking me out. My most recent trip home to FCEC proved that to me, followed by a few more encounters in Greenville. This wasn't subtle like last January when, while driving back to Morgantown after leading worship at FCEC, God called me to pursue music ministry. The past week and a half has been a punch in the face from the Holy Spirit, telling me to wake up. I fell asleep by the end of January and I needed a wake up call. Wednesday night was the final blow....

I left Spartanburg around 5:40 for Greenville, a 30 minute drive from campus. I was supposed to meet a friend at Coffee Underground to just hang out and possibly work on music. By the time I got there and found a parking space, it was 6:20...40 minutes before senior high EYC started. My friend was no where to be found. Apparently we had a slight miscommunication in who was going to be where and when.
Sooooo I'm only human and to be honest I was pissed. I've been dying to write lyrics and music for months now, and so far we haven't done anything together. And even though I knew the no-show wasn't intentional, I bitterly walked back to my car and drove over to the church. My anger was still brewing inside, so I called a friend to have a quick chat before I went in to practice the worship set. I took a breath, pulled myself together, and walked in.

Within seconds of walking in to the room where my friends were practicing I knew I was still upset. And I couldn't hide it. There was no way I would be able to practice without dealing with what was going on first. So I did the level-headed thing...I picked up my Bible and walked out of the room while they continued to run through a song. I found a quiet room not too far away and opened up to the Gospels. I flipped through the underlined passages, looking for an answer. Why was I so angry about something so stupid? And why did I try to put on a happy face with my friends instead of talking about it? ....do I do that often?
I ended up focusing on two scriptures. The first was the story of Gethsemane in Matthew's Gospel. My first wake up call came from verse 41;

""Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body in weak.""

Jesus is speaking to his disciples in the moments before Judas betrays him. He has asked them to do one simple thing - keep watch while he goes off to pray. When Jesus returns, he finds them all asleep. How would you feel if you were one of the disciples who had fallen asleep? Ashamed? Frustrated with your own weakness? Unworthy? That is exactly how I felt when I read that story. I put my head in my hands and began to pray with a passion I had not felt in a long while. I was so involved in my conversation with God that I did not hear my friend knock and try to say hello to me.
I was just like the disciples on that night. I was reading and praying every day, teaching the kids at my church at home what it looks like to be a Christian (without the 'stained glass masquerade), and really walking with God on such an intimiate level. Then I fell asleep for a short while. Tears streamed down my face as I asked God to help me wake up from the nap I had fallen in to.
The second scripture I turned to was the one I listed above from Luke 12. Yet another blow to my heart. I was running from the growing pains. I felt like God was entrusting me with more than I could handle. And instead of praying and reading more, I was trying to throw my hands up in the air and give up. I sincerely felt like Moses before the exodus from Egypt.

"Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say."
But Moses said, "O Lord, please send someone else to do it."
-Exodus 4:12-13 NIV

Now I am in no way comparing myself to Moses, one of the greatest leaders in Jewish history. But I can certainly sympathize with the man. God is calling me to be more than who I am right now, and He had to wake me up from a nap to tell me that (sadly it isn't even the first time I have been aware of this plan). I'm going to be a musician and work with kids. That's where my passion lies. And I love that the kids come to me to talk about their faith and what's going on. They come to me because I am not afraid to be honest about my own life. I'm slowly dealing with everything I have been through in my life, and that makes me relateable. I've been where they are and now I understand what God was trying to teach me from those experiences. That's what they want and need to hear....someone who has been in the pits and come out of it by the grace of God.

Worship that night was the best it had been in a long time. God spoke to my heart, broke my barriers down and made me vulnerable before Him and the small group of friends present. I felt a call to just let go and lead as He tells me to lead. Quit worrying and don't be scared, because as Matthew 10:31 says, "you are worth more than many sparrows." God will take care of me no matter where my life takes me.

"Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."
-Ephesians 5:14b NIV

In closing, vulnerability is diffcult. And my fear is that so few church leaders are willing to go there. That sends a very disturbing message to our youth - 'suck it up and take it somewhere else.'
It's terribly sad to think that I have to hide my heart in God's house. How do we begin to heal our brokenness if we can't open up and lay it down at the Lord's feet? Most of my struggle with faith has been a direct result from shoving all of my deepest, darkest issues so far down that I couldn't see them. But as we all know, just because you can't see something doesn't mean that it's not there. I could feel my issues like a splinter pushed deep inside my skin, and pain like that can only be ignored for so long. Eventually the splinter has to come out...when we choose to allow that to happen determines how much and how long it will hurt.

Mini update!

2008-01-29T11:09:00.000-08:00

Well...I get to go home tomorrow for a long weekend after my first January term.
It has definitely been an interesting January....
I've spent the past month being sick (twice), recording some new music with Noah & Brian in our yet-to-be-named band, taking a class in music of diverse cultures, AND playing a nun in Suor Angelica. I've been working my way through Numbers (slowly, I might add) as well as reading John Eldredge's book Wild at Heart. I saw David Crowder Band in concert, recorded my audition tape for keynote (with screamo!), and yesterday I ran around Greenville, SC with Sam and Brian. Sooooo much fun!

My devotional schedule has been so out of whack all month, so I promise to put up some more substantial posts starting in February. God bless!

Silent Cities

2008-01-08T21:49:00.000-08:00

Hey! Check out my friend Sheldon's myspace. He's a talented drummer and guitarist, and his vocals have come a long way!
http://www.myspace.com/scluvsu
He just finished writing and recording a techno/metal fusion album for a school project. And you can hear me on two of the tracks posted. I played violin on 'When Stars Collide' and you can hear me scream about halfway through 'Face the Fate You're Fake.' I had a great time recording with him and I can't wait to hear the whole album.
Oh, and if you need a pick-me-up, listen to the 'Big Bag' remix. It's pretty sweet. :)

What is wrong with us?

2008-01-07T19:46:00.000-08:00

Here is a fact that some of you know but don't want to admit: you are screwed up.

We are all so messed up. Honestly, look at us. We lie to each other, we hurt each other over and over again, we say horrible things, we don't put others above ourselves, much less God. And why?
Why do I use sarcasm to hide what I really feel about someone? What gives me the right to say hurtful things to someone just because he hurt me? Why do I always say "good" when someone asks me how I am doing, even if I feel awful?

Fear.

I am so terrified to be myself. I don't want to let people in because I have been hurt in the past. That's the risk I take in getting to know people. I want to know them and I want them to know me...but they were probably just as scared as I was. We are scared to appear vulnerable to others that we guard ourselves with callous remarks and sarcasm. We don't want to have our hearts ripped to shreds again.
And everyone of us has had our heart broken in some way, so we are all equally screwed up. But when I am the victim, I forget that the person who hurt me is probably just as hurt as I am. And when I feel threatened I don't take the time to remember that.
Ephesians 4 provides a great model for how we should treat each other, especially in regard to conflict.

'Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.'
-Ephesians 4:25-32 NIV [italics added]

I am always struck by verses 26-27 that tell us not to sin even though we are angry. Our anger allows Satan to get a leg up on us and make us slaves to our emotions. Anger is so destructive to my spiritual life. How many nights have you spent lying in bed, frustrated with someone? I've wasted so much time stewing over frustrations. And verse 27 tells us to do something about our conflicts. Jesus says in Matthew 5:23-24 that even if we are offering a gift to the altar, if we have wronged someone we must make it right above all else. That is how important settling a conflict is; it takes precedence above everything else going on. But if meeting with the person isn't possible, the verse in Ephesians is telling us not to go to bed angry. Present your frustrations with this person to God. Pray for them and forgive them. Seriously! Then, and this is the hard part, let it go. LET IT GO! Trust that it is in God's hands and you don't need to keep stewing over it in your head. As I said earlier, I have wasted so much time replaying my anger in my head.
It is hard for me to write this because I am admitting openly that I am not perfect. Although, who is? I try to act like I have it all together because everyone else does it too. The truth is that we are all broken, messed up people.
The sooner you admit it and submit that piece of yourself to God, the sooner you allow Him to heal you.

'Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.'
-Ephesians 4:14-16

Cuz I wanna know how it feels to feel passion...

2007-12-20T13:29:00.000-08:00

It's so interesting to see everyone around me growing up. My friends are graduating and starting to pursue their callings in life, the kids from my youth group are starting college, and some friends are even getting married. It's funny when you think you've known a person, then all of a sudden you see them again in a completely different light. In what instant did things change for them? Was it an over night thing or did it take years?

Part of my Keynote application asked me to describe how I came to know Jesus personally. I went back to the Holy Cow retreat in 2002, the first time I remember accepting Jesus as my Savior. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that I really didn't know who Jesus was back then. I do believe that I accepted Him and started my long journey of learning more about Him then...but experiencing God in a retreat atmosphere isn't what living as a Christian is about.
We all have had a 'mountain top experience' at least once in our lives. A time when we felt so close to God that was almost indescribable. But as time passed and we tried to sustain ourselves on that one experience, we drifted away. We tried to hold on to that singular experience, hoping that it alone would keep us afloat until the next one came around. Whether it was a retreat, a meaningful conversation, a particular night of worship, a long hike in the woods, a concert....these moments were meaningful to us, but they were not meant to define our faith. Yes, God was very present in those moments, but He is present in EVERY moment of our lives.

I understand why that retreat back in the spring of 2002 was important now. God absolutely captivated me that weekend. I was surrounded by Him and by people who loved Him in an atmosphere so far removed from my life at school. My experiences that weekend were just a starting point for my spiritual growth. It has taken years for me to know who Jesus is on a personal level. I didn't just wake up the next morning with all the knowledge I would need to keep myself going each day. I've spent hours reading and praying to acquire just a small piece of that. And it is a fight sometimes to keep myself from becoming complacent. I'm about halfway through Leviticus in the Amazing Bible Race and that is NOT an easy read. There is so much in this world to distract me from reading scripture and praying daily. But I know what happens when I put it off and make excuses - my life goes down the tubes.

Make the commitment today to change. Complacency happens to everyone, but the only way to conquer it is to recognize it and do something about it. It's only hard because Satan hates it when Christians try to learn more to deepen their faith in God.

Wake up 10 minutes earlier to read and pray.
Carry the Bible, a devotional or even just a verse on a piece of paper with you everywhere you go.
Find a friend who will hold you accountable here to read, and talk about what you both can do to apply what you've read to your lives.
Find a mentor through your church to minister to you.

Whatever you need to do to make God the center of your life, do it!
Check out 2 Corinthians 5:13-6:2 to read Paul's perspective on our calling to be different, to become righteous in God's eyes because of His Son.

Here are some sweet lyrics from a new song by The Turning that I feel are relevant to the topic. Pursue the passion you've had in those mountain top experiences in the way you live your life each day. Read and pray. That's where the relationship comes from. Don't let the twisted world around you stop you from pursuing that relationship, no matter what the cost.

I hit play
Will today be one that matters?
To tell the truth sometimes life steals the faith I'm after
I'm tired of what I'm not

So help me God
Give me a passion, give me a fire
Give me a heart that's filled with desire
Cuz I wanna know how it feels to feel
Passion
I wanna be consumed
Passion
I'm more in love with you

Overflow, let it go
I wanna know what happens
To be revived, come alive, to feel the Spirit crash in
Down on all I'm not

So help me God
Give me a passion, give me a fire
Give me a heart that's filled with desire
Cuz I wanna know how it feels to feel
Passion
I wanna be consumed
Passion
I'm more in love with you

Today's the day, I'm not afraid
I'm ready to be changed...
- 'Passion' by The Turning

"Tanto gentile e tanto onesta pare"

2007-12-10T08:18:00.000-08:00

Tanto gentile e tanto onesta pare
La donna mia quand'ella altrui saluta
Ch'ogne lingua deven tremando muta,
E li occhi no l'ardiscon di guardare.
Ella si va, sentendosi laudare,
Benignamente d'umilta' vestuta;
E par che sia una cosa venuta
Da cielo in terra a miracol mostrare.

Mostrasi si' piacente a chi la mira,
Che da' per li occhi una dolcezza al core,
Che 'ntender non la puo' chi no la prova;
E par che de la sua labbia si mova
Uno spirito soave pien d'amore,
Che va dicendo a l'anima: "Sospira."

-Dante Alighieri

And for those of us who do not read fluently in Italian, here is the English translation taken from the book Introduction to Italian Poetry by Luciano Rebay;

"So gentle and virtuous she appears"

So gentle and virtuous she appears,
My lady, when greeting other people
That every tongue tremblingly grows silent,
And eyes do not dare gaze upon her.
She passes by, hearing herself praised,
Graciously clothed with humility,
And she appears to be a creature who has come
From heaven to earth to show forth a miracle.

She shows herself so pleasing to her beholders,
That she gives through the eyes a sweetness to the heart,
Which no one can understand who does not feel it;
And it appears that from her lip moves
A tender spirit full of love,
Which says again and again to the soul: "Sigh."

I was given a copy of this poem in my ideas and cultures class last Friday, and when I read it I was struck by how well it fits into what I have been reading in Captivating. This poem, written by Dante for his love Beatrice, beautifully illustrates the essence of a woman. Captivating talks a lot about the soul of women and how God created us to reflect the beauty and glory of God. We are called to reflect this beauty from the inside out. If you own a copy of Captivating I would suggest reading through chapter 8: Beauty to Unveil.

The woman described in the poem reflects many of the qualities Godly women should possess.
Her beauty does not merely come from her outward appearance, but from "the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:4b)."
She is 'clothed with humility' which I can only imagine means that she was not trying to show off her God-given physical qualities (I thought that was a diplomatic way to express that, haha).
"I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God."
- 1 Timothy 2:9-10
The most striking part of this poem to me is the last line. This woman has the power to calm everyone around her. Their souls are merely left to sigh in her presence. They feel at ease around her, like everything is well in the world.
As a woman I wish that I possessed this power all the time. When my world is not chaotic I think I do have the ability to calm those around me, but when I am busy, stressed or sitting in traffic I tend to reflect a very different attitude. I become tense, shrewd and angry. The only way I will ever be like the woman in that poem, or similarly the woman in Proverbs 31, is if I present all of my emotions and frustrations to God. He can and has been changing me into a more peaceful person to be around. Whenever I feel like I am going to lose my mind, I repeat the verse from 1 Peter that I cited above. It does not mean that I need to be silent, because those who know me know that I can be very VERY loud at times, HA! But my spirit needs to reflect my acceptance of God's will for me and show others that they should accept it for themselves as well.

Don't be afraid to show the world the beauty that God has instilled in you. Allow Him to quiet your chaotic mind and fill you with the peace of His love.

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
- Proverbs 31:30

Pray for my Keynote app!

2007-12-04T22:03:00.000-08:00

I just submitted my application for the Keynote Summer Project through CRU. Before I clicked the 'Submit Application' button I prayed for a reeeeeeeeaaal long time. Haha, I know God was smiling at me. I know His will for me will be so much better than I could ever imagine, but I just really want it to involve my participation in Keynote this summer!
So if you are reading this, just pray that His will is done in my life for this summer. Pray that those who read my answers will be granted the discernment to know whether or not I am meant to serve with them this summer. I hope their answer is yes!
Also pray for the audition tape I have yet to make. Should happen sometime in early January. I'm still really REALLY excited about that part, especially singing/screaming 'I'm So Sick' by Flyleaf.

My Perfect Day

2007-12-02T18:13:00.000-08:00

So we'll call this my first informal blog post. The past few weeks I have felt so convicted to write short devotionals instead of carrying on about what is going on in my life. In most cases those posts were directly related to a specific situation I was going through. And typing those out has been a sort of healing process for my heart. So thanks for reading and if you got something out of them as well, cool.

And now my day today...

When I think about it now today was kind of a perfect day for me. It's sort of what I want my life to look like when I finally graduate. I woke up this morning at 9 (not so great) which was remedied by a trip to Starbucks for some much needed caffeine (yessssss). Then I took the 35 minute commute to Greenville for church and such.
I was late for Sunday school, but it is a pretty laid back crowd of some college kids and a few older high schoolers. We were discussing James 1:19-27. The themes we talked about focused on living out the call of scripture and ridding ourselves of all the "pollution" thrown at us by the world.
'Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it - he will blessed in what he does.'
-James 1:23-25 NIV
That is such a great bit of imagery from James. The point of reading scripture isn't just to read it so you can feel better. We are supposed to apply everything we read to our lives. So many Christians hide behind their 'faith facade' and think that they are covered. And even if we do apply it, that does not mean that things will be perfect in our lives. But we will be "blessed." John Piper talks about the different translations of the word 'blessed' in his book God is the Gospel. He uses the words 'happy' and 'joyful' to define the Greek word for blessed. I think there is a strong distinction between those two words. In this verse in James I am leaning towards the word 'joyful' to describe this blessing. While things in our lives may not be going the way we planned, we are still blessed because God is on our side. Joy, to me, is elation from within; happy seems to be a more external emotion.
Regardless of the details, the point is to live out what God is calling us to do. One of the women leading our discussion this morning threw out a wonderful line that, I will admit, I need to apply to my life:
"Be confident in what God called you to do."

At 11 I walked over to the chapel with Noah for the contemporary service. I love this church. Everyone is so friendly and there are always different events and studies for everyone going on. For the service we sat with Brian, one of the cool college interns at Christ Church. He also plays on the music team with us, and we recently decided to start writing music together. I love sitting with people who love to sing. It makes the worship so much more intense for me. Again, the theme in the Gospel reading was to live life in the way God intended us to live, always being ready for the day Jesus returns (Matthew 24:36-44).

After church Brian and I went to Coffee Underground, a really cool little independent cafe in downtown Greenville, for lunch and to try to write some music. I let him read some of my stuff and we talked a lot about our lyrical styles, where we get our inspiration, and kind of where our lives are now. He actually wanted me to talk about the stuff I had already written. This is something I have been dying to do for a very long time: talk about lyrics and write!
It was really the first time I had been able to spend time with him to get to know him. I always love hearing people's stories and having God-centered conversations. They have been so far and few between down here. We ate and started working on a new song. By the time Nate joined us at 2, the page was kind of a mess, but I'm really excited to see what happens with it. All three of us were throwing out ideas and sharing stories. Again, just part of my perfect day.

At 2:30 we had music team practice for Amazing Bible Race that evening. In the band was me (violin/vocals), Nate (guitar/vocals), Heather (vocals), Brandon (bass) and Noah (drums). With the exception of a few tangents (which was to be expected and were actually pretty fun) practice went really well. For once in the time I have played my violin, I felt like a part of the band. Nate kept communicating with me about what key we were in and where the song was going. He even suggested a lead part for me to play instead of the guitar. This practice was an answer to quite a few prayers from the previous weeks. We were worshipping together!

From 4 to 6 we had Amazing Bible Race large group and small group meetings. We played our worship set which was really wonderful, then we all talked about the readings from Exodus in the previous week. Joel pointed out some David Crowder Band inspiration in Exodus 8:10 (one of my favorite praise songs to sing). We focused mainly on the plagues God sent to help Moses convince the Pharaoh to...all together now...LET HIS PEOPLE GO!! I can't believe how ego-centric one man could be that he could witness all of those plagues and, for fear of losing his power, continue to say no, until the plague of the Firstborn. And even after the Israelites left, Pharaoh pursued them. It's crazy how power can go to some peoples heads...
Grace and I were the only ones there from our small group. We decided to read through the next day's readings, Exodus 15-16. Chapter 16 focused on the ever re-occurring theme in my life to trust God and His Word. Moses told the Israelites to only gather what manna they needed, but they still disobeyed. And that extra manna was reduced to maggots. Eww! Then even after Moses told them to gather two portions on the 6th day because of the Sabbath the next day, the Israelites went out on the Sabbath looking for manna. And DUH, there wasn't any! This just proves that when God says something, He means it.
We also talked about how selfish this world today can be. Grace's sons had been volunteering at a local homeless shelter and were so moved by the people they met and the things they saw. They told her that they wanted to change the world for these people. Some people are too afraid to see those kinds of things for fear that they will be changed by their experience. They don't want to admit their own selfishness and possibly give up the material things they covet. It's sad.

Then at 6 after everyone prayed and departed, I got to run through 'I'm So Sick' with Noah. I recently decided to audition for the Keynote summer project through cru. It's a music ministry project that sends 5 bands out to tour for 2 months and share the Gospel. In my audition tape I have to sing a rock song. When I told Sam about it, she screamed and said that I HAD TO sing a Flyleaf screaming song. And it just so happens I that have a karaoke track for 'I'm So Sick.' Noah is going to make my tape for me, so I wanted him to hear me sing/scream it just so he knew what to expect.
All I can say after running through it twice in front of Noah and Joel is that I am SOOOO EXCITED to make this tape!! My screaming is a lot stronger than it was this summer, and a lot less painful. Yay for vocal pedagogy, haha! Joel and Noah were head banging to it and they liked the way I sang/screamed it. They just said it was funny and scary to hear me scream, considering what they are familiar with from my voice. I really hope I get picked to do Keynote!

So I left Greenville tonight at about 6:40, drove back to Spartanburg, grabbed some Jimmy Johns for dinner (yummmmm), came back to my room, ate dinner, watched the BCS selection (still bitter about losing to Pitt...but WVU is going to the Fiesta Bowl, so its all good), starting watching the Steelers game (so far we are winning).....and then Bryan Lilly imed me to make my evening complete.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=1dr0d-Rk-jo
This is quite possibly the COOLEST thing I have ever heard. This metal/classical band Judgement Day calls themselves "string metal." Their band consists of a violin, cello and drums. NO GUITAR. Seriously! I suspect that the violinist uses an effects pedal...hmm...haven't I been begging to use one in bands all year? I'm listening to their myspace and their music sounds so sweet. I would love to see these guys live and pick their brains. Speaking of which, their music video in the link above has zombies...come on, who doesn't like zombies?

So this was pretty much the coolest day I have had since coming down here. I had coffee, read scripture all day, wrote music, practiced with my band, hung out with some cool kids, performed one of my favorite Flyleaf songs, watched the Steelers, and fell in love with a string metal band.

God is so good to me.

Give me the strength to do nothing

2007-11-26T22:39:00.000-08:00

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
- Psalm 46:10 NIV

This past weekend at the Saturday evening service at my home church I found myself praying something after communion that seemed odd to me.
'Lord, give me the strength to do nothing.'
It struck me so much that I had to write it down on paper as soon as I finished. It does seem rather peculiar upon first glance. Shouldn't I be asking God to give me the strength to do something, anything?! I thought a lack of action was a sign of resignation or giving up. What good will doing nothing bring?

The verse above from Psalm 46 gives a clearer picture to what I meant that evening.
(And I should start by clarifying that by doing 'nothing' I meant that I needed the strength to resist my urge to make an outward, controlling reaction to my situation. I wanted so desperately to be in control.)
I notice from time to time that my patience is not as strong as it could be. Yes, I can calmly handle an unexpected conversation with someone when I need to get some work done, but put me behind the wheel of my car in heavy traffic or in front of my computer when the internet is down and WHOA...I snap like a twig. Lately I have learned that in traffic I just need to breathe and put in a Veggie Tales mix from my friend Tracey, and that sometimes I just need to step away from the computer screen before my rage escalates any further (and my computer lives to see another day...for now).
But I do let my frustration get the better of me sometimes. In stressful and emotionally painful situations my first instinct is to 'fix it.' "Never mind that perseverance through times of trial leads to spiritual maturity, I just want everything to be ok NOW."
No matter how many different scenarios I run through my mind, none of them ever end up happening or making things better. They just keep me dwelling on the problem rather than its purpose.

So in this sense sometimes it is more difficult to sit back and do nothing. Don't say something you will regret, don't call and text repeatedly, don't talk to everyone you know about it...
...and above all else do NOT get in God's way. 'Be still' and know that God is in charge, NOT YOU. He is the creator of heaven and earth and you. He knows what you are going through and, believe it or not, He will carry you through it. It may take a long time and it may not be easy, but you will come out of it a stronger person if you allow God to work in you through the situation.
And the truth is that there is something you can do. Can you guess what it is?

Pray.

Yes, it is that 'simple.' Some people think that praying is almost as good as doing nothing. But prayer is powerful and speaks far more loudly and clearly than actions sometimes. We've all read the verse in Matthew about asking, seeking and knocking:

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."
- Matthew 7:7-8 NIV

And again, we've read the story of the fig tree:

Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."
- Matthew 21:21-22 NIV [italics added]

I could go on about the power of prayer (and I probably will in a later blog post), but I will come back to my prayer at the beginning. It does take a huge amount of strength for those of us with less patience to sit back and let God work. We feel that maybe our prayers aren't enough for the time being. We want to be used by God and needed by God. And we are! God does want us to love and serve him. We just need to be patient with his commands. And above all else we need to "pray continually(1 Thessalonians 5:17)."

Be still and know that He is God...

What is that to you?

2007-11-19T21:46:00.000-08:00

Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, "Lord, who is going to betray you?") When Peter saw him, he asked, "Lord, what about him?"
Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me."
-John 21:20-22 NIV

I am the kind of person who hates conflict. It rips me up inside to watch someone I love go through a difficult situation. It hurts even more when I feel like there is something I could do or say that would make everything better. Lately I've been very good about waiting for that person to ask me for my two cents, but sometimes I will hand it out whether they want it or not. Why? Because in my mind I can 'fix' any situation.
In general we all want to fix our own problems and our loved ones problems instantly. Maybe you are watching someone go through a situation that you have already been through and you want to give them the easy road out. You know how the 'hard way' felt and you don't want to stand by and watch them go through it that way.

It's kind of like when your parents told you not to run by the pool or stick your finger in the light socket. But what did you do anyway? That's right, you ran and busted your butt on the wet concrete or you ended up with Albert Einstein hair and a numb finger.
The truth is that no matter what you have experienced and no matter how much you love someone, sometimes they just will not listen to you. And sometimes that is God's will for them. They may need to experience that difficult situation in the most painful way possible in order for him to build them up stronger than before.

And sometimes I HATE that!

But here's the point: as much as I want to, I can't 'fix' someone if God does not want to use me to help them. The best thing I can do is to focus on my own relationship with God and not become so concerned with everyone else's relationship. That is essentially what Jesus told Peter in the verse above from John. Jesus asks Peter point blank why John's future means anything to him. Peter should be concerned with following Christ instead.

We see a clear example of what happens when we interfere with God's plan in Genesis. In chapters 16-21 you can read the story about Sarah, Abraham and Hagar. Sarah was frustrated with God's lack of haste in his promise to build their family line:
'Now Sarai, Abram's wife, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian maidservant named Hagar; so she said to Abram,"The Lord has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my maidservant; perhaps I can build a family through her." Abram agreed to what Sarai said.'
-Genesis 16:1-2

Sarah took things into her own hands because she did not truly believe that God was going to keep his promise. And what ended up happening? Sarah resented Hagar and Ishmael, the son she conceived. The whole situation resulted in jealousy and turmoil between them. When we interfere with God's plan and his timing, we end up making a bigger mess of our situation. Even though our intentions seemed honorable, people will still end up getting hurt.

But praise God for the gift of grace! Nothing that we do can stump God. He works everything out for His glory. Our screw ups may be big, but He is soooo much bigger. In Sarah and Abraham's case, God did bless them with the birth of Issac, even though they thought it would be impossible to have a child at such an old age.

So the next time you feel the urge to meddle in someone else's situation; STOP! Evaluate your own personal relationship with God and ask him to watch over them. The best thing you can do is pray for them and ask God to guide them through. And at some point He may use you to help heal them. Only you can discern that by listening closely for His voice.
If you continue to follow Jesus you will be able to hear his voice more clearly.

Remember that nothing is impossible with God. (Luke 1:37)

The Word is Alive

2007-11-17T20:46:00.000-08:00

'For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.'
- Hebrews 4:12-13 NIV

One of my favorite bands of all time is Casting Crowns. Their lyrics are powerful and as a group they are devoted to sharing the gospel with their listeners. On their newest album they have a song called 'The Word is Alive.' The song's chorus is definitely inspired by this verse from Hebrews. The message of the song is that God's word is alive and relevant. Even as time has gone by, when everything else fades, His word will prevail.

I blogged about this on my bands myspace (you can check out our link on the right, Habbakuk). Christians today seem to get bored very easily. In the age of ADD it seems like everything needs to be brightly colored and shiny to hold our attention.
But what about God's word? When I walk into church I am not greeted with pyrotechnics or circus performers (although some churches seem to be heading in that direction). As a practicing Episcopalian sometimes the only unpredictable event in the service is whether the rector will preach from the pulpit or come down to pew level. And I like that. Because for me each service has a completely different mood depending on the message of the readings and the sermon. I sense that because I have made the conscious effort to pay attention. ....let me repeat that last part just in case you missed it.
"I have made the conscious effort to PAY ATTENTION [caps added]."

We've all experienced those Sunday mornings or those times at home when we have heard or read scripture and felt bored to pieces. 'What does this have to do with my life?' 'I don't live in this time period, so how am I supposed to apply this?'

The truth affirmed in this verse from Hebrews is that, new flash, God's word is alive; it is ALWAYS relevant. It cuts through all of the glitz of this world and goes straight to our hearts. But we need to be paying attention. If you have experienced, as I have many times before, those waves of boredom as a result of hearing God's word, then you weren't really paying attention. You allowed the enemy to harden your heart to the message. Imagine how you would feel if you allowed yourself to be moved by the message every Sunday and every time you read. That's how you is supposed to feel! So next time you begin to doze off, figuratively or literally as we have all seen, ask the Lord to open your eyes, your ears and your heart to His word. He may reveal something you were not expecting.

Towards the end of the Casting Crowns song I mentioned is a spoken message that sums up the power of scripture and its ability to continually awe those who read it. I get goosebumps and a huge smile every time I hear this part of the song:

"The bible was enstrived over a period of two thousand years, in times of war and in days of peace, by kings, physicians, tax collectors, farmers, fishermen, singers and shepherds. The marvel is that a library so perfectly cohesive could have been produced by such a diverse crowd over a period of time which staggers the imagination.
Jesus is its grand subject, our good is designed as the glory of God is its end."

Who needs fireworks when we have a work of love like this right at our fingertips??

Balance in the Labyrinth

2007-11-15T21:36:00.000-08:00

The room is so quiet. The only sound I hear is from the air vents, which act almost as white noise. My focus goes to the small 8ft. canvas on the floor – the labyrinth. It winds in 4 sections, ultimately leading to the center. It looks like all I have to do is walk with one foot in front of the other, not be embarrassed if someone sees me, and sit in the middle to talk to God.

As I go to begin walking, I feel an urge to get my bible and read as I walk. Ok. I take my bible from my purse, flip to the verses I read last night (Eph. 6:19-20), and I being to read and walk.
Now, this poses a problem to my small mind – reading and walking are difficult to do together. The mat was small and the path had lots of sharp turns. I would start to read and meditate, but immediately look down to see where my feet were going. When I watched my feet I would lose my balance, along with what I had just read.
Then I would read and allow the message to stay in my mind. I stopped only to notice that I was still on the path. I hadn’t been paying attention to my steps but on the words I read. When I focused my attention on the word in my hands, I was still kept on the path without losing my balance.

Earlier this morning I was reading chapter 10 in Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. She really nailed home the idea of using God’s word and truth to negate all the lies we once believed. We need to allow His word to guide our steps.

Hmmmmm…funny how this all comes together.

I always try to peek ahead to see where I may be going. I want to see the path and watch my feet so I won’t fall. But that’s where my focus goes – down to my feet and not up to my Father. I spend my whole walk trying to stay balanced and to not fall instead of asking the Lord for help. I need to allow him to guide my steps while I seek him and not my own safety. He knows the path he has laid out for me, and the more I fight his guidance the more I lose sight of him.
- He made me this way for a purpose.
- He laid out a path for me.
- He is the only way I will ever get through it.

So why am I so afraid to surrender everything to him?

My devotional last night made the point that I need to first build my relationship with the Lord. Only then will he use me as a vessel to aid others. I need to focus on our relationship, not his relationships with others.
“…what is that to you? You must follow me.”
–John 21:21-22

Allow God to guide my steps. Focus on the relationship and building it through prayer, reading his word and truth, and taking the time to listen for his voice.